Mister Wing - A Romantic Rhapsody...

GIRL IN THE VIDEO, Wah!

2008-11-11T03:54:00.000+08:00

she has sad eyes, the girl in the video
even though she smiles, you know she's seen more than she shows
she says to her drummer gimme rimshot
she says to her lover gimme all that you got
she's the girl in the video

they send her flowers, the girl in the video
even though she cries, you know she feels the love that they hold
she says to her lover, do you love me?
can you dry my tears and take this sadness from me
she's the girl in the video

she stands in the smoky lightshow
light, smoke and mirrors is all she's ever known
she stands without reverence
and plays with the audience
she's the girl in the video

everyone wants her to find love
the girl in the video
just because when she does find love
it's the kind that you find
when it heals and overflows.

I wish you all the Love!
yay!

Get this in your face and think...

2008-10-12T23:32:00.001+08:00

Of the many earnest, and how earnest, people we may observe reading, attending lectures, studying and practicing disciplines, devoting their energies to the attainment of a liberation which is by definition unattainable, how many are not striving via the ego-concept which is itself the only barrier between what they think they are and that which they wish to become but always have been and always will be? - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei...

Breath Me - SIA

2008-08-19T00:33:00.002+08:00



Woke up, my mind humming.
I thought about the events of last week end, watching people around me.
Looking at them all saying the same thing and wanting the same things.
All scared and strangely enough growing appart because of this fear instead of getting closer looking for shelter.
They were all somehow saying, whatever the subject was:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

In tune, and singing...

2008-05-21T03:23:00.004+08:00

Last time i posted a picture like this, i was alone and stable on two legs...
Well, I am now two and grounded one one.
Takes two to tango they say, well two makes also asanas much more fun!!!

lalalalalala....

sheath...

2008-05-17T06:56:00.002+08:00

A wonderful painting is the result of the feeling in your fingers. If you have the feeling of the thickness of the ink in your brush, the painting is already there before you paint. When you dip your brush into the ink you already know the result of your drawing, or else you cannot paint. So before you do something, "being" is there, the result is there. Even though you look as if you were sitting quietly, all your activity, past and present, is included, and the result of your sitting is also already there.

thinking about people I interacted with lately...

2008-04-25T23:44:00.001+08:00

And the only thought this brought was a quote from Wei Wu Wei:

'What's your trouble? Mistaken identity...'

This is real clear, and so true.

inter- dependancy / A new born

2008-04-01T19:57:00.004+08:00

Ahhhhhh Paris,
Ahhhhhh the crispy morning breeze, the warmth of the espresso and the sound of the freshly baked chocolate croissant dipped in my cup.
That was my morning, that was awsome and that is my life.
I have spent an awsome evening sharing insights and stupidity, laughing and reflecting, and even if usually I do not bother about the past I have let my mind wander down memory lane.

We were talking, among other things, about 'the air I carry around' which was a consequence of this shiny armor i used to wear when i was so deep into believing i was a Knight who's duty was to slay the Princess' dragon. Any Dragon...

And i simply realized that not only the Princess needed a Knight, regardless of who was stuck in the armor (this part was clear to me for the longuest time), but also that the Knight was deeply needing a Princess in order not to face his own demons: regardless of who was really in the gawn.
This, somehow, wasn't so clear to me...

So i guess this is what happened to me last year when i have both dismantled the armor and walked away from the Princess. Not only have I enjoyed the sight of the rusty armor last night, but also I realized that the weight on my chest was gone: fresh air was FREELY rushing inside my lungs.

I am walking tall, and Reality is maybe unveiling sometimes: The glimpses of what I allow myself to sometimes see are making worth every seconds of what I have lived!

Yeah, I am free, alive and I have allowed myself tools to HEAL: but this is another story that I might tell later.

What matters is that any story couldn't have ever started without the end of this era of Chivalry.

The King is Dead, long live the King!

Time to sing something about the new born I guess!!!!!

watching my mind like an old wise man observes kids playing

2008-03-13T05:34:00.002+08:00

and man, what an interesting thing to observe...

Turning my world upside down

2008-03-11T03:43:00.002+08:00

You can't tell on the picture but I think i am happy...

A non-existent statue

2008-02-06T15:56:00.000+08:00

I read this one evening and it struck me.
It might not be an eye opening to anyone, but i wish to keep this in my blog, for my reference later on at least...
It does summarize so well what happens and I would never have been able to even start typing something as good as that.

Here we go then:

Q: I once heard a Buddhist teacher say: “There is no thought in the mind of a Buddha.” How does that equate with the teaching of Dzogchen? There seems to be some contradiction here?

KD: It’s not really possible to comment on that without knowing the whole context of what was said. However . . . there is no attachment to thought in the Mind of a Buddha. There is also no conceptual limitation in the Mind of a Buddha . . . there are often problems with translation.

NR: Was this statement made in English?

Q: No, it was translated.

KD: So really we have no idea of what was actually said.

NR: You see . . . the idea that Mind without content is the conclusion of the path is almost like saying: ‘enlightenment is becoming a statue of a Buddha’.

KD: [laughs] Or the non-existent statue of a Buddha.

NR: There seems to be the notion among many people that: ‘The longer you sit in the thought-free state, the more enlightened you’ll become’.

KD: But when asked: ‘What process is at work in this empty-state which leads toward complete enlightenment?’ the answer is usually that: ‘Such things are ineffable and cannot be expressed in words’. It is true that words are limited and that enlightened experience is beyond concept – but if we are speaking of process, that can always be described by someone who experienced that process. Unless your practice continues into the process of integration – you stultify. You need to open yourself to flowing with whatever arises within the empty state we have discovered. Unless we are prepared to engage in that practice you will not evolve into full recognition of what you really are. Without this recognition, the general character of your life-experience will not change much – you will continue to experience unsatisfactoriness, frustration and turmoil.

—from the book Roaring Silence

PS: Get the latest Jack Johnson's album (Sleep through the Static)

Crying meditating...

2008-01-26T02:45:00.001+08:00

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha

I still wonder why i cried during my last meditation session...

But regardless, I hope this little lines are making sense to whoever reads them.

It happens...

2007-11-29T05:45:00.000+08:00

Say goodbye to all your pain and sorrow, just let them go!
Say goodbye to all those lonely nights, just welcome them!
Say goodbye to all your blue tomorrows, cause today is tomorrow and today is amazing!
Now you're standing in the light, just look around.

Sometimes you feel so helpless, we're all the same.
Sometimes you feel like you can't win, but it is just your mind playing tricks on you.
Sometimes you feel so isolated

You'll never have to feel that way again
You are not alone
You're not alone

And even if i always felt it,
Never thought I'd find the road to freedom
Never thought I'd hear you smile again
Never thought I'd have the chance to tell you
That I will always be your friend, that I am still your friend

You are not alone
You're not alone

I wanted...

2007-11-12T01:08:00.000+08:00

I was seating at the table of a bar, and looking around.
A group of people was at the next table and i did listen to what they were saying, it made me sad and I wrote these couple of lines when I came back home:

I wanted to be Jimmy Hendrix but I have no guitar and I don't know how to play.
I wanted to be Superman, but the suit doesn't fit: Saving the world isn't my thing anyway.
I wanted to be the 6 millions dollars worth man, but i'm earning only 15 thousands a year: I'd better save everyday!
I wanted to be the man of the year, but my determination was too weak.
I wanted to be the employee of the month, but I am not bright nor photogenic.
I wanted to be the surprise of the party, but i showed up the following day!
I wanted to be the one nobody expects but i fucked up the whole thing when i called for directions...
I wanted to be the new Messiah, but there are way to many already: I needed to take a number and wait in line.
I wanted to become Prime Minister, but I hate greed and I am not cunning enough...
I wanted to be SUPER, but i only consume ordinary fuel: I didn't want to be a gas station employee, ah well, that's a bit sad!
I wanted to be the life of the party, but I am not funny enough...
I wanted to the the man who saw the aliens but, where I live we only have squirrels...
I wanted to be John Doe, but even he probably thinks i am too insignificant...

I was there and now, living my Life and looking/hearing them tabling their expactations and how disappointed they were.
Fueling each others with the sadness about what things should be, could have been and not what they are.
The saddest part of all was to know that they weren't realizing the are the only owners of their actions and that what happens is only the result of these actions: nothing else really...

Stay bright!

Floating through the days...

2007-11-05T01:38:00.000+08:00

How interesting are the days...
As i am typing this, the rain pours on the large glass windows of my place, and I observe the thunder striking in the far distance. The sound reaches me with the usual delay, and I embrace my life and all the lessons I have been so lucky to be taught up to now.
The water runs down the windows and through the thin layer of water I observe the thnder stricking the far distance. The sound, altered by the drops hitting the glass, reaches me with the usual delay, and I embrace my life and all the teachers I have been lucky to meet.
My mind is calm and does let me see, more and more, Reality as it is: the rain pours and the daily drops are still hitting my body but the sound remains the same, reaching me with the usual delay.

I float through my days and deal with things as they come and as they are getting rid of the perception I have of them: I am equanimous or try to be as much as I can.

I share the experiences with the beings I spend time with but do not share their vision of the Reality and the impacts they have on them. I am detached from them and welcome them all as they are.

The rain has stopped pouring and I am still observing in the distance the thunder, welcoming the sound if it reaches me with the usual delay.

Things are the same with or without me and I am not the center of anything special: I am just being Myself in this place where i live, my mind embracing all the people I know and all the ones I will never meet.

This inner journey is most interesting, and the path I walk the one leading me to new experiences. My mind tends to dwell into some remains of the past which i observe and let go, waiving them good bye. As it is done, it is obvious that they won't come back.

My future is now and now only. I am being here and now, not looking back nor looking forward to anything special: I am just naturally shaping things with my currents actions, responsible for the good and bad that will arise from this.

Action in non-action is a tough concept I am dealing with and I go through it thanks to my fellow men and what they do of what Reality brings.

I introspect and try to understand what they perceive of Life, the best way to love them I guess.

Nothing is bad or good, everything is as it is supposed to be and it is just a matter of the mind.
fighting against Reality just bring misery and ignorance is what leads to more suffering.

So, i sit crossed legged and think.
I watch and observe myself.
One day, maybe, I shall be seeing Reality as it is and not as I conceive it.

I, I, I...
Me, Me, Me they all say...

I just sit, crossed legged and observe, helping as much as possible.

Man, what a journey!
How interesting are the days, through which I float...

What a funny week...

2007-10-30T01:07:00.000+08:00

If there are Gods, they are for sure having some clean fun, and they make me laugh!
If the Universe provides when it is necessary then It did serve me a full plate of it, I bow down.

Here i go explaining.

Last week i got a nice message from the past, reminescence from my closest past life, which i left painfuly when i think about it, but also from this whole past that lead me on the middle path i now walk.
I replied.
Then, this week end someone I don't know asked to be added to my skype account. The only thing i knew was the first name of this person, and this first name isn't just random but the one the one i sued to call Princess was given when born, I accepted since it was (I thought, lol) logically related to my reply earlier the same week. I didn't manage to be online when she was(I saw her disappear), so i sent another brief email explaining that i was sorry to have missed the connection but was hoping to get a chance in the near future.

Why is it funny?

Well there comes the funny part: I went to a class on sunday morning where i met a couple of people including a lady, nice and interesting people I must admit. We all chatted but i didn't ask for the first name, not really interested to know more about them as i was getting into the class already, thinking about what i wanted to ask and the couple of clarifications i was after.
The teachings went on, really insightful actually, and then came the time when the teacher asked students to show/share and this little lady struck me. She really did and made me laugh out loud in the middle of the class, didn't feel it come but for sure heard it as everyone else!

What made me laugh out loud is when the teacher thanked her and finished by disclosing her first name which is the same as the previous two others mentioned above.
Man! What a handful of homonyms that was in such a short laps, and for sure a handful of winks from the past!

But if one believes that they are no coincidences, then one also has to take into account the number of times this occurred as well as the time span: 3 times in 3 days, 3 being a really symbolic number in almost all religions and philosophies.

I am sincerely happy it happened as it showed how detached I am from it all.

So there I am with two emails sent to the past and still giggling about it.

But this is not all: It actually made me laugh so much that i had a joyful and light meditation last night and a really amazing wake up in the middle of the night: I was laughing hard, almost crying!
I woke up laughing! It is still wonder to me...

For the last couple of years, i used to wake up every nights because of nightmares and here i find myself laughing while sleeping, disturbed by my own noise!!!
What a wonderful Life that is.

So thanks to the Universe and/or the Gods as they surely made my last couple of days.
Let's hope they are having the same blast as I.

I am so looking forward to the coming month or years as days keep on improving!!!!!

Stay bright people, the light is shinning and all there is to do is to embrace it and wallow but more important: breath!!!!

It was a year ago...

2007-10-27T03:04:00.000+08:00

It was a year ago...
Yes, a year ago I was for the first time fasting and enjoying my evenings with a superb soul: I was waiting for her to show up, late as usual, thrilled about the time i would be spending with Her.
And when she was eventually showing up, we were talking, and talking about many things: laughing and talking more, the both of us fasting.
So, I am fasting again, and even if she is not here with me anymore I enjoy this time of the year with sweet pleasure: It has now been 7 days that i didn't touch food, still I smile...
Last week as i was waiting outside of a restaurant, reading a book about 'Mindful breathing' written by a Thai monk that i got in Bangkok earlier this month, came this old little man.
With no reason, he spoke to me for a couple of seconds and simply told me that i was acting like a child: I was sitting on my chair, my feet balancing as children do... He said it was graceful to see someone with a light soul and with such a peaceful aura. He then went back to his family, spoke to an elder woman who looked at me and smiled. I smiled back...
It reminded me of Her, when i was starring at her without her knowing.
I embraced this little seconds of sweetness and dived into my book again, smiling.

My body, of course, as changed a lot also: I have become leaner and stronger.
I am more balanced and much more grounded I know.
Why 'of course'? Well, Mind and Body being so well interconnected, it is simply a consequence of what my Mind seems to be.

I feel good and look forward to the coming years: When will come the time of my last breath, I will happily leave this ground surrounded with the good i try to spread around.

A quote to finish this little mumbling, a quote that might also simply summarize what i wrote:
'A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.' - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Lots of Mettha.

A quote...

2007-10-24T01:56:00.001+08:00

In order to be effective truth must penetrate like an arrow - and that is likely to hurt. 'Posthumous Pieces' by Wei Wu Wei

I sense so much pain again

2007-10-24T01:29:00.000+08:00

Sitting home, listening to the Piano Concerto No 5 of Beethoven i feel great..

But as i went through my daily meditation, i sensed a lot of pain and confusion coming from who used to be my Princess, and i am really sorry for her: i feel her pain and would like to know her free and happy.
I pause, check on myself and my alignement, I get deeper into me and still the feeling remains.
This misery that comes from within and keeps on returning: it is all coming from inside and has to do with the Inner. Happiness is not depending on the outside elements, it has to do with how we react to them.
The True Self is wrapped into many sheathes tell the Scriptures, and it is only by peeling the onion that It can breath, making us see Reality as it is.
These layers of misery and influences are making us perceive the World as it is not.

Moving on to Missa Solemnis, Beethoven still...

Breaking through is breathing through and opening the eyes on this World that always was here standing, waiting for us to embrace it.
I am happy i broke through but, man, i have a long walk on this middle path!!!

Breath Princess!

Returning to the past, and smiling.

2007-10-11T05:07:00.000+08:00

Business trip back in Asia, and feet wandering in the city...
Nights away from the my designers' office alone, going through the city and using all available transportations I passed by all places I once discovered and enjoyed with my partner, back then.
And I smiled at Life since it was offering me to close the loop: I had never hoped nor thought about this!
I waived good bye everytime i was realising that i was there with her during my last trip: Life made me a great gift that i embraced with delight.

So here are a couple of lines for me, full of my smiles.
So here are the candles I lit up when I came back home: as they were burning away the strings attaching me, I embracing Reality.

So here is a part of the energy, quiet and powerful energy that I now constantly carry with me.

I was once complaining about this aura surrounding me, but i now feel right about it and what the others see and feel: peace.

I am peaceful and healthy, I am happy and enjoying the company of my real friends: i had once convinced myself that i had a soul mate: ahhhhhhhh perceptions once again...

My dedication to save others is gone and I now just speak about what I see and feel: others can live in a different reality where they suffer and dilute themselves, all I now do is listen try to understand and simply state what I see.

I hope You all are happy, and regardless I still send my most powerful thoughts when I meditate.

Stay bright.

Typically, my thoughts at night

2007-09-11T04:13:00.001+08:00

Well, nothing could summarize better why I ended it...

2007-08-07T16:53:00.000+08:00

But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha

That's the truth...

2007-07-15T21:23:00.000+08:00

So mote it be!

2007-06-26T23:52:00.000+08:00

Today was a good and big day for me.

I went to the grave of my grand father to close a chapter of my life, easing my mind more.

For 18 years i have been living with guilt: i was convinced that i had seen my dead grand father after he hung himself and that i left him, just walking away.
I felt guilty of not beeing able to listen to his pain the night before he killed himself.

18 years of guilt but also probably what lead me to try to help whoever for 18 years, not giving up even when it obviously was hopeless or when i would deeply suffer.
Early this year, after talking to my mother, i learned that i didn't sleep over at his place and that i couldn't possibly be guilty of anything like this since i only got news when he was at the morgue.

I am not guilty of letting anyone down nor not handing in a responsible way such a crisis involving someone i love.

And i went wearing a shirt i bought with my princess, smelling like her perfume that she spread all over while in Hong Kong earlier this month: i was with her and i waved her good bye as i waived him good bye.

So long!

Why I left you, you might realize one day

2007-06-25T01:06:00.000+08:00

Yeah, i guess i needed to write this down somewhere but didn't wish to stir up my princess' feelings and head/heart more: i decided to write it here.

Waking up one morning, after a long and fulfilling night of good thinking, it became clear that i was the catalyzer, i was not of any help at all. Exisitng was what was making her pain deeper when i was physically away from her: as she was left alone and let her mind take control she was suffering so much. All her fears and worst thoughts would take control and she would suffer!!!!

I had given nothing or taken away nothing away from her from the day i met her til the day i left her; nothing but me.

During that night I figured out that demons enter the mind when we resist them. The stronger our effort to fortify ourselves against temptation or any other kind of alikes, the stronger the temptation has us in its grip: the fact that i existed was already too much and just helped her demons get wilder and stronger into her mind.

She was totally trapped by her clinging and cravings.

Her mind was and still is probably like a runaway coach and the driver never stops whipping the horses.

Many scriptures and books assure us that this physical world is a mask, and yet the mask isn't physical. It's made of illusion, and illusion is created by the mind. Do you understand? What the mind has created, only the mind can undo. It was necessary to help this hug task to take place, since she said she wanted this to happen.

But she has to get rid and over these illusions by seeing reality as it is. This could never be achieved when at the center of a chaos. Since she couldn't remove herself from this suffering and see what we had, i had to do it. Maybe this will help her in her quest for her true self, as she calls it, since she believes in separate selves.

I wish someone could tell her what i have come to see: you that you can be whole, but only if you see yourself this way. There is no holy life. There is no war between good and evil. There is no sin and no redemption. None of these things matter to the true you. But they all matter hugely to the false you, the one who believes in the separate self. You have tried to take your separate self, with all its loneliness and anxiety and pride, on the path of and to the door of enlightment. But it will maybe walk the path but never go through cause it is a ghost.

You know princess, I can see that you are at war inside. You must believe that you will never win. No one has never won the war. Good opposes evil the way the summer sun opposes winter cold, the way light opposes darkness. They are built into the eternal scheme of Nature. This is pretty easy to accept as a concept and a way of being.
So, there is no point to try to conquer evil or embrace good: can you do that with the summer sun or the winter cold? Just detach yourself from both.
It isn't difficult. Actually, once you admitted to yourself that you would never become completely good or free of sin, something changes inside. You are no longer distracted by the war; and your attention can go somewhere else: that when you start reaching yourself. You are not a warrior. You are not a prisoner of desire, well you are at the moment. Those things come and go.

Just ask yourself: who is watching the war? Who do i return to when the pain is over, or when the pleasure is over? Who is content simply to be? You too have felt the peace of simply being. Wake up to that!

Break free and just let this amazing person you have trapped inside walk free and tall.

I love you and only wishes for your happiness, i had to disappear in order to allow your mind to calm down: focusing on what a wanker i am is better than all this pain you had to deal with. This would allow her to maybe find what really matters: who she really is and maybe even get her to love herself!
this will give her a chance not to vanquish the demons but to find a place already safe from them.

I am sad to have to cut myself from such a beautiful soul to be, but i had to detach myself from this story which was turning way too painful for you as i couldn't help you: you can't save people from themselves. I know you understand...

So i had to leave you...

We live only once, at a time, so here is the chance to make this great!

All the best my princess, my love!

The past is heavy to carry

2007-04-02T09:58:00.000+08:00

Rules Of Life As I See Them

2007-03-07T14:59:00.000+08:00

YOU ARE THE SOLE CREATOR OF YOUR REALITY AND NO ONE CAN CREATE IN YOUR REALITY.
NOTHING IS EVER ABOUT A PERSON, THING OR PLACE.
EVERY PERSON, THING OR PLACE IS SIMPLY A MIRROR AND HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE A GIFT FOR YOU IF YOU ACCEPT IT.
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU EITHER ARE GIVING LOVE, OR ASKING FOR LOVE.
EVERYTHING IS GOD, FOR GOD IS ALL THERE IS. THEREFORE, I AND YOU MUST BE GOD, TOO. GOD IS YOUR PERSONAL CONCEPTION OF ANYTHING HIGHER.

When I attach a value and a meaning to some event, I am creating a perception.
In other words, it is my choice how to interpret what happened. I will usually interpret an event by seeing it through whatever issues or beliefs I already have going on inside of me.
In other words, how I choose to see something, the perception I have of an event, is not necessarily what is happening, but how I choose to view it.
If I have anger, I will likely interpret what someone says as sounding angry. If I clear myself of internal issues, I can choose to and will be able to interpret "and create" things from a higher vibrational state. Whatever perceptions I have, and then living by those perceptions, determines the reality I will have.

If as a small child, I see my father being angry. My perception of that event is that I am the reason he is angry - if I were a better child he wouldn't be angry. This perception then becomes a part of my life. I have a perception that I am a bad person, and therefore I always perceive that people are angry at me. Or, I relate to others in fear.

If you perceive or make a decision somewhere along the way that you are a "bad" person and responsible for other people's emotions, for making them feel "bad", then you will go through life hating yourself, thinking you are "evil", perhaps without knowing it. You may feel constantly ashamed and guilty. You will continue to create situations where you feel bad about yourself, where you think you have done something wrong. You will, in all likelihood, create your life where things always seem to go wrong, and relationships and life will probably become a fearful thing for you.

And, all of this will change as your perception and understanding of how the universe works becomes clearer - such as the understanding that no one can create the reality of another. And your life will also change when any false perceptions you have about yourself, as well, are made conscious - and you change them.

When you know that you are responsible ONLY for what you believe and what you feel, and when you KNOW that others are responsible only for what they feel and believe, that feelings and beliefs about reality can only come from within, from what each person chooses to believe, there is no longer shame or blame, guilt or self hatred. Then you have the opportunity to believe and create your life in any way you choose - in a good way that works for you. You no longer believe it if others try to blame you, and you no longer blame anyone else for your life. That is being the CREATOR of your life.
You choose consciously, not unconsciously, what you want to believe - you perceive yourself and life and others in a way that is positive and allows life to work harmoniously for you.
If you remain a victim, in victim consciousness, things don't change, because victims never heal. How can they, if they never accept that they are the ones responsible for creating life that way in the first place? You can't change something if you don't think you created it to begin with - or, if you don't believe that you even HAVE the power to create or change anything. Victims remain stuck, thinking it's someone else's fault, and that someone else has the power over their life, to create their life a certain way, instead of themselves.
As soon as I give up 100% responsibility for creating my own reality, as soon as I give up the responsible role, as soon as I think someone is doing something to me, I have become a victim. Other's responses to me are, in reality, only a reflection of my own energy, a reflection of whatever energy I am putting out, or have inside of me.

In other words, if you have a perception that someone is a hurtful person, you must have a belief that you will be hurt. They then just play the role for you that you are expecting. You create what you believe in.

When I come from the lower vibrational state, I will be viewing things as judgments. I will make judgments about myself or about another. The higher vibration is to see whatever happens as a mirror of myself in the Now: "I see you doing that. I want to judge you for it. Instead, I will see that it is a reflection of the energy I either hold in myself, or have held in myself. So, I realize that I do that, or have done that."
I ask myself, "Am I still doing that? Where do I still hold that judgment (which I want to put out on you) about myself - where do I still think that I am not ok?" I identify the judgment I'm making against myself. I ask: "What part of me do I still not love, and therefore I judge it?" Then I look at the other person and think: "I don't need to judge them. They are simply being a mirror of my own issue." I ask: "What in me created that in my reality?" In reality, all of us are really asking for love, which is what we all truly want.
Saying: "What is the mirror to me?" instantly removes the judgment. Then there is no charge. There is only acceptance. Acceptance is the higher vibration. It is above forgiveness, because forgiveness implies that something has been done wrong. Acceptance says all is happening perfectly, as it should. All is perfect.

Whatever is happening enables us to grow, if we look at it from being the Creator, not the victim. If we look at it all as perfect, we immediately move into the energy of Love, Trust, and Peace. Then there is no judgment. If it's complicated, it's not Truth.

Know that if you feel anger or any other unpleasant or uncomfortable emotion, you must carry that energy within you. It isn't because of what someone else did. The situation just reflected what was already there in you. Then you have the opportunity to see what the mirror is for you, to see what you carry within yourself so that you can heal, grow, and change - therefore, seeing your reflection in another or in a situation is a positive and useful thing.

Thought triggers emotion.
See what kind of thoughts you are thinking, and what kind of emotion that creates. Tune into how you feel. Use your 5 senses to ask if something doesn't feel right or comfortable in the way you are responding or feeling. If you don't like the emotion you are feeling, change the thoughts you are thinking. Get a new perspective, in other words. Healing comes from the #3 law - taking responsibility.

The word emotion is a fascinating word.
Look at it this way, allow me to play with this word: E-motion, or ‘Energy, put into motion’. That is what our emotions do. They move energy and bring things into motion, or manifestation. The force behind what we feel is what allows us to create. First we have our thought, or perception. But it is the emotional energy, the fuel, that allows something to get created. "I felt so strongly about that that I had to rush out and do it". Therefore, to create in a positive way, we must generate positive emotions from clear thoughts and perceptions.

Lower vibration: expectation judgment rejection/blames orrow/apologizing
Higher vibration:responding from compassion / observing / acceptance / seeing the mirror

Fear is only a mask of your true desire. You need to find out what your true desire is, and state that desire 100% positively: "I choose to have or create...."

There are 3 universal fears:

abandonment
not feeling worthy or good enough
loss of trust which equals to fear of surrender

Any time there is a fear, it will fall into one or more of these categories. Check out what your fear is about. You will continue to create the same kind of situations, you will keep yourself in judgment, you will reinforce the lower vibrational state of thinking it's someone else's fault, and you will keep yourself in the perception of being victimized, until you get out of the program and have a new perception.

Snapshot

2007-01-07T18:17:00.000+08:00

Come talk to me, talk to me...

Come on princess...

Come on, the camera is rolling...

Get that fuckin' thing from me...

Loose that!!... Talk to me... Who are you on this earth?...

God choose, but probably also forgot to do something or did too much?

?????

Two...

Why being part of the problem and not of the solution?

2007-01-05T22:42:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh, It could all be so simple!

But you'd rather make it hard, or brittle!

Loving you is like a battle and the constant pokings are making me weak when you need me strong. We both end up with scars, even if we both mended deep wounds, i think.

Tell me, who I have to be?!

No one loves you more than me and, i hope now that i am wrong, no one ever will!

Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way?

Forces you to scream my name then pretend that you can't stay, or that i abandonned you?

Tell me, who I have to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh, if only you could have seen how much i loved you, how much i still do.

The King, The Queen and The Fool

2006-07-31T11:38:00.000+08:00

It is early morning, sitting in my couch I think about my good friends going through the Lovers’ game and unfortunately not getting the best out of it.

It reminds me of these moments when I was caught in the middle of the insane game, in the fight of every minutes against the world and myself.

It is amazing how strong you believe that the one you aim at came along when you needed a savior.

Relying on the person, feeling the support and believing that this one savior will pull you through somehow. But we all know that the past is heavy and that because you have been torn apart so many times, you are counting on the other one now.

By doing this you just expose your chest again even if someone already broke your heart.

This very moment will always fascinate me.

It is no rational and goes against anything a normal human being would advise, but then all normal human beings have done it more than once.

Someone already broke your heart, and yet you are going to letthis happen again.

Somebody did break your heart but maybe you need more pain.

So, here you are and all you beg for is not to be left stranded.

You stress and wonder.

All your reality doesn’t worth anything because you hang on the edge of a lie.

But who the hell is lying?

Your previous wounds weren’t as healed as you thought: torn apart, broken hearted all you want is care and kindness. You want someone by your side, because you are cold and lonely.

You want someone to hold you tight and never leave. You are down on your knees and afraid, you hope to have someone supporting you.

You are in Love and you bleed because you don’t know...

That’s the very moment you become monarchy.

You are the King or the Queen of your own sorrows.

In this chess of Love, are you really King/Queen or more the fool?

You are playing but you don’t wanna lose.

It would break your heart, torn you apart.
That’s when you are fully you.

Your soul tries to reach out and jumps out of your skin. This isn’t pain you feel, this is excitement.
This passion burns you, consumes you.

If you don’t act you will torn yourself apart and break someone’s heart.
Because you both are on the edge of the same lie!!!
Because you both are monarchy, I am the fool.
Jut act.

La boucle est bouclee.

Fabas indulcet fames*

2006-07-21T17:02:00.000+08:00

I was on an emotional rollercoaster when i was with you, and what i ride it has been!
Trying to be with you, Loving you wasn't healthy.
You were my favorite cake but you weren't good for me.
It was just not natural the way it was, it wasn't right even if you definitely are gathering a lot of the things i am attracted to.
I inquired about who you are and what you really do every day. I decided to know more about you not just listen to who you think you are.
I have just been analyzing, without passion, facts and tried to find out why i was so found of you at some stage.
You are gifted and beautiful that's a fact, and that's the truth. I have always been attracted by gifted women, their glow is honey to me. This is why i kept on flying to your little light and disregarded to window i was bumping into every time.
But, as a person, you haven't reached any state of achievement and your constant struggle with reality, your incapacity to understand some basic principles have made you an insecure woman. This insecurity made me feel guilty and somehow the white knight in me wanted to save you from your fears and show you how great Life is. I wanted to drag you away from your personal hell.

It was also because i was hungry for Love, i was in need of providing Love. I have so much to give, for free!
This hunger made you shinnier to my eyes.

Your little light and my hunger, i have set myself up. This is the reaso why i was so uncomfortable sometimes and the main reason why communicating with you was so difficult.
In a way, you were correct when you said i was in Love with the idea of you.
I am glad you walked away.

You don't even seem to be worth a friend.
Are you capable of being a friend?
Do i really care?

* hunger makes everything taste good

Dreaming and Pretending

2006-06-11T11:43:00.000+08:00

It is Sunday morning and for some strange reasons, I am trying to think about my life: probably because I am reaching a couple of anniversary dates.

I have met you and put all the energy I thought was necessary to help things go well, smooth. Spoiling some of my good time just because I thought it would help and improve whatever needed to be improved. But Fame is filled with spoiled children who grow fat on fantasy.
And I guess that's why I'm turning the page, because I’m craving for reality.

The main point that my morning thinking is leading me to, the crucial thing is that there is a difference between dreaming and pretending. I was obviously pretending and trying too hard.

I did not find paradise: My lonely mind was only twinkling reality, searching for what is missing in my Life or what I thought was missing. The big surprise is that I wasn’t expecting that you would be the one doing so much to me. I thought we were good together, I saw us in the mirror of your eyes and I was sure it was good. My Mind was screaming it out loud; My Heart was beating for it. But one’s Heart can hallucinate if it's completely starved for Love.

So what happened? Well, I guess the arrows of Love were turned against me. I was the one grapping then and I have been the one gasping when I used them to cut the last of my heartstring. Surprisingly it opened my eyes, You opened my eyes.

There is a difference between dreaming and pretending. And looking back in the mirror of your eyes I now believe it wasn’t Love but most probably just a reflection of my lonely mind wanting what was missing in my Life. What I thought was missing.

So what is the difference between dreaming and pretending?
Dreaming is a good thing: it helps conceptualizing the first bricks and leads to bring new things to life. Pretending is the worse you could do to yourself as it is purely an ending that perpetuates a lie: you forget what you are and makes you see what your mind yields you too see. I need to grow up. I need to grow up and keep on dreaming. You need to learn to focus and channel your dreams.
I need to trust my ability to understand the difference between the ones you can hold and the ones that you've been sold. So I guess all it was, was pretending.

I am still wishing that I am wrong while going through this morning thinking.
The only thing which could prove me wrong is a sign, a real sign…

I think it was just my wandering mind wanting and wishing that you were what was missing in my Life. The Mind is a beautiful thing, so should my Life be.
I am still smiling when I think about You, the air around me got suddenly thinner because I think about myself lightly.
I am still aspiring for someone to share things with, to talk to. For talking at its best being an inspiration, it wants a corresponding divine quality of receptiveness, and where will you find this but in You?

AGNOSCO VETERIS VESTIGIA FLAMMAE

2006-06-05T09:56:00.000+08:00

e-Relationship

2006-06-02T00:24:00.000+08:00

What is this?
It is an illusion i guess, that's true.
It is 4 days of touch, sharing, contact, holding, looking, smelling: 4 days of intense moments with planning of days to come.
'Everyday is a new day' i said, 'i'll be like this everyday for you, my princess'.
But hey, ghosts are chasing and walls building up really fast...
It isn't my job to chase ghosts in your head, your heart, i am a white knight but this is your fight.
Men have been trying a lot of tricks to get you, haven't they?

I am who you see, who you touch, smell and who you talk to.
Don't put words into my mouth, just get kisses and words from it.
Don't put intentions on my act, just look at them with attention.

Trust us and see complicity apearing.

e-relationship is fast but unfortunately, there isn't an e-heart nor an e-brain...

Fuck, this soooooo fucked up.

The idea of you and the air I carry around.

2006-05-24T15:24:00.000+08:00

I believe that uncertainty is really my spirit’s way of whispering, “I’m in flux, I can’t decide for you. Something is off balance".
This uncertainty is the fuel to all my feelings and, unfortunately also the reason why i never know if I should speak about them, nor share them.
It is obvious that a lack of communication is as bad as total openness, unfortunately I do not sense up to what level I can go.
Talking about feelings is easy, sharing them or unveiling them is difficult.

The Idea I had of you was, clearly, not different from who you seem to be.
The air I carry around leads, unfortunately, people to picture me as a totally different man and you are one of them.
The Idea I had of you is still making me smile, I will keep on smiling regardless.
The air I carry around is still creating damages as it yields people that I am not who I seem to be: there would be, they believe, another man hiding.

MisterWing would be closer to Doctor Jeckyll and Mister Hyde than to himself?

You cannot change people mind, nor should you try as that would be manipulation. The only thing you can do is open your heart and mind for them to look into you and make up their own mind. By doing so, I am also putting myself in grave danger as I remove all protective layers and expose my core, Me. Sincerity is something that people are not used to and when they sense something like this is happening they refuse to believe and start elaborating theories, they speak about lies… They feel betrayed, used and trapped.
Without trying to manipulate ones mind, I am facing a bigger problem as I can only put facts in front of passionate accusations. How could bare facts and acts beat deeply engrained feelings of betrayal? What should I do to make people understand that I am who they see, should this be a concern? Well, actually, it is not:

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying?
If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?
I do not worry, I am just being myself.

The animosity I encounter in this kind of situation isn’t a problem as I understand where it is coming from. Just time can prove that there isn’t an underlying layer.
I will keep on living my seconds the same way. I am weighting all my acts using the three major pillars I rely on: Strength, Intelligence and Beauty.
I will keep on improving myself, strolling through the days.
It doesn’t matter what is the air you breath.

The air I carry around is a burden but thinking about You makes me smile, still.

Broken...

2006-05-08T19:41:00.000+08:00

And luckily it isn't my right hand!

Socially Inadequate ??????

2006-04-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

Last night, after a pretty good workout and a fantastic warm shower, as I was using a fluffy towel all over me I had a thought, well one thought that I still have in mind now.

I was in a room full of naked men, some of them being openly gay and looking at other males’ attribute, I was feeling less uneasy that when I am in a room full of clothed people!

Is it because I know I wouldn’t talk to any of the guys or just because I am less body shy that socially inadequate? The expression is now in the air.

I got to think about this one as it really summarizes one thing I am wondering about now:

Am I socially inadequate?

When it comes to writing and expressing myself to people I know or sort of know, I have no problem communicating. But if, like it happens in real life all the time, I meet someone I have never seen before I sort of tend not to get in contact and most probably act as if I am not friendly at all. For example, I have managed in the near past to walk out of a club where I went on my own and stayed for four hours without talking to anyone! And without having anyone trying to talk to me either!

On my way back home, in the cab, I asked myself:

Dude, are you socially inadequate or what? Or what?

It is rather funny as, during dinners, I am not the one in the corner just listening to the others. I usually am quiet and i usually get started when one thing triggers me. Then, I do not stop if i enjoy the crowd.
Isn't it being socially adequate?

But then again, i wouldn't talk to someone if i haven't been introduced.
Picture this: I could go to a BBQ and not talk to anyone if i haven't been introduced!
Isn't it being socially inadequate?

Or what?

Well, at least one person loves me!

2006-04-13T16:38:00.000+08:00

Happy, happy birthday, my ever dearest (blip, censured)!

The warmest and greatest wishes for a very wonderful guy.... I want to wish you ALL the best, love, success, happiness, good fortune and good health not only today but always... May all your wishes come true...

And never forget that your are the hell of a sexy man: intellectually sexy of course...

I also want to take this opportunity to say some things....

First, THANK YOU for everything. You've been such a great friend from the very first day we met. And i really do appreciate you, your friendship and your kindness. Thank you for always being there for me. For accepting me, my good and not-so-good part. For all your time talking to me and reading my messages (eventhough, i just keep on repeating same things). For everything, thank you so much.... I want you to know that i'm always here for you and nobody and nothing can ever change my love for you... I love you so much (blip, censured) and you are very dear to me... You are one of those people whom i will cherich and treasure for the rest of my life. You are such a great person and i'm really thankful, grateful and proud for having you....

Just stay happy and keep on enjoying life... I love you and i terribly miss you, my dear friend... Take good care of yourself always, sweetheart.. God bless... mwaaah

I have been taking care of my mind and body

2006-04-10T19:07:00.000+08:00

Man,
one year ago, almost, my best friend told me something that struck me.
We were walking in the parking lot of my former company, and heading to the car, he was behind me. With all the bluntness he is capable of, he only told me: 'man, you got fat. Your butt got pretty big.' That's one of the things i LOVE about this man, that's his free speech and i am not being sarcastic.

So, i have been taking care of my mind and body since then. I have 5 kilos to go but they will still be around when i'll turn 32 years old. So, i postpone a wee bit for these bastards!

Exercise alone provides psychological and physical benefits. However, if you also adopt a strategy that engages your mind while you exercise, you can get a whole host of psychological benefits fairly quickly.

Trust me

Love, that’s when someone's body superseeds the whole universe

2006-04-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

At first, there was this play which title isn’t important.

I am sure I didn’t understand it all anyway. The only thing I understood was the movement of your legs, on stage. I never realized before how gorgeously shaped these were. Maybe because it was the first time I was staring at you from a first row seat, you wearing a short skirt.

With a short skirt, one can see the full length of the legs but it is always difficult to tell how beautiful these are, still discombobulated.
I wasn’t feeling like you were on stage and I was seating first row.

I was feeling like you were over me, all over me.
We were not touching, physically out of reach, but your body was stifling me.
It was even more real than the building and the whole crowd behind me.

Your body was filling up the whole space as if it was sunlight, rain, snow and wind.
Love, that’s when someone's body superseeds the whole universe.
It blocks the horizon and, as open horizon is a menacing sight, we relax.
What we are looking for in Love, is relief because we all suffer: i was relieves to feel my stress building up, stiffening up.

Then, our first kiss in the club, our first kiss for the second time, our second first kiss and the ten other thousand clubbers instantanetly vanished.
Lovers are like mass serial killers: they wipe out thousand of people in a blink.
When you kiss, that's the only moment when time, like a murderer disturbed by the police, freezes.

Mouth is where one’s Mind resides and that’s why the tongue, handling talks, and teeth, handling food, are there: because one’s Mind chats and gluttons. It is also where self and integrity lay siege.
Lips are as sweet as the ability to choose.
When they open up, spreading apart, it is always at night because we close our eyes.
Lovers are like blind invaders.
I never understood people kissing eyes wide open, especially for the first or second first kiss. Eyes are so close to each other that, in all cases, there is nothing to be seen unless your eyes are at the tip of the tongue!

It is hard for me to believe that you were not even born when I was the leader of a bloody kindergarten gang , raiding girls and making sure they would cry.
You were not even a concept!
One of the amazing things granted to mankind only, distinguishing us from animals, is this ability to desire older, younger or same sex beings.

I love this temporal surface between us: it is like a snowboard slope onto which my desire freecarves.

Hear the snow,

feel me shiver.

Enjoying life is never remembering that you already had a bite.
What can be better than looking at someone living to the fullest when you already had your feast? How much better can you understand these smiles and embrace this happiness?

Then, there was this part of the evening when we got apart: you were then the center of attention, superb arabian princess.
That’s when I realized I was still sooooo fuckin’ drawn.

I came back home singing, full of you: the city was buzzing and smiling away. I was roaring.

I hailed a cab for the last remaining 500 meters: I didn’t know where I was anymore.

The following day, I was hovering above the ground because you had stolen my heavy heart.

In my mouth, I had yours.

Since, I’m feeling like you are inside me, all over but also inside everyone I am not talking to about you.

My birthday soon!

2006-04-09T16:07:00.000+08:00

BIRTH, n.
The first and direst of all disasters.
As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity:
Castor and Pollux were born from the egg.
Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone.
Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water.
It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
Wondering how my birth will be described during my eulogy...

Lemme to Murphy's law

2006-04-09T16:06:00.000+08:00

Laundry Math:
1 Washer + 1 Dryer + 2 Socks = 1 Sock

I said on March 16th that i would start posting stupid things, well, i guess i wasn't lying...

Fuck, how dark is the side of the moon?

2006-03-16T00:07:00.001+08:00

Believe it or not, i had a monumental idea this morning...
But i didn't like it!

LOL!

Ah, angels...

Fuck, where the hell are my wings?

Hum, heard them flapping somewhere!
Yes, yes, close by!

Ok, i'm getting onto this from now on.
Been procrastinating for long now, let's get outside and see how bright is the dark side of the moon!

Post of no interest, for sure, but hey that's why it is probably the most important!!!!!!!!

How wrong am i?

Flap, flap... Flaping away...

Freedom, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Freedom!

2006-02-13T10:15:00.000+08:00

I think I will never hear from her again

2006-02-06T00:44:00.000+08:00

I think I will never hear from her again.
I had to reply to her last email, and tell her exactly what reality was and how different it is from what she says…
I have been factual and just listed all the lies she told me, with proof attached.
I think I will never hear from her again.
That was a tough one, really tough one.
But, hey, it got a lot of pressure away from my chest.
I hope she will be happy one day, I sincerely hope so.
I think I will never hear from her again.

But if I do, man, I am sure she’ll be super nasty!

Cold days seem to hurt the most

2006-01-30T22:05:00.000+08:00

Cold days seem to hurt the most and I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go: I see your smile, I see your face and imagine you going ‘brrrrrrrrrr’, warming up your nose with your palm.
I hear you laughing in the rain, still can't believe you’re gone!How could you just loose it?
So simply, so totally?
It is now like a story that had just begun and already finished.
God knows how I sometimes miss you.
All the hell that I've been through!
All the hell you have put me through when you needed support.
Sometimes I wonder who you are today.

Do you enjoy your world?
Will you chase your dreams again?
These dreams you sold cheap, so fuckin’ cheap!
Settle down with a family, another one?
I wonder what you will name your babies!
Some day’s the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you!
And I know it might sound crazy.

Usually after these few minutes, I look around and sight. I look at my world and I embrace it.
Maybe one day I will settle down and have a family but never will I stop chasing my dream: even you couldn’t stop me. And I know it is part of the issue: you are a control freak, because you are unsecure.
When the sky is so blue, as blue as your beautiful eyes, I am happy to realize that I am blessed to have known you, but i am happier not to be your partner anymore.

I still wonder who you ever have been!

life, this wonderful play

2006-01-30T12:29:00.000+08:00

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.

Just looking back and checking

2006-01-27T14:39:00.000+08:00

Nails scratching wooden surface and eyes red from tears like blood. Torn hair in clenching fist, a guttural scream from the mouth you kissed. Just looking back and checking.

It seems so far away now, just as if it has never been! Somehow it seems much clearer, an eye for a lie in every scene.
I was so lucky on that day, You know: I was almost letting it go!
I was almost making the great leap!!!
When you kissed him, what a lucky turn it was for me!

Things will work out better the second time around.
Because, this is beauty that I will find. I won't settle for less than a beautiful heart.
She will be breathing in my ear, I will be whispering in hers.
What a sound she’ll make!
Compared to this, you are nothing but the dead leaves falling to the ground...
Happy landing, baby.

You mistreated me, never let me be: trying to turn me into who you wanted, wasn’t me!
And the lies you told!
I was too blind to see you, when you were tightening the noose.
To see you, you only wanted me to loose: you control freak.
Constantly unsecured due to your inadequacy: I was so lonely lonely...
It seems so far away now.

Nails sliding on glass walls, and cheeks painful from way too much laughs.
Halo of peacefulness, cheers to the rightful.
Just looking ahead and planning.
Kisses will maybe come later.

Tiger will enjoy the dog, hopes to see monkeys passing by.

Yeah!

2006-01-25T14:26:00.000+08:00

I will trust her one day...

2005-12-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

Nietzsche wrote: A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.

What he didn't mention is the pain that goes with these trials and therefore if it is worth for oneself to get wiser.
Actually, he even implies that no feelings should be involved as experimenting requires one to be impartial.

I have this capacity of retracting myself from events as they happen, and to analyze them as they come but this state of consciousness (maybe lack of should i type) doesn't last for ever! Only Time heals the wounds and helps mending all the suffering choices are creating.
Hence i have this capacity of sucking in all elements of the so-called experiment but i also suffer more from the pain as it all hot me at once.

Time is my salvation.

Time is a beautiful thing!
It's like when you meet an old lover on the street six years later and they don't look so ugly anymore. I simply wonder if this applies also when you do not find this lover ugly as you see this beloved one walking away. Who do you meet then? Somebody who you now think you have been stupid to let go???

My ex has chosen a path a couple of month ago, and she followed it deep down. She even went to this small track the sun barely reaches, even in autumn. I didn't turn out to be a successful choice for her: she has lost everything she had and has to start everything from scratch now. I am even afraid that she has lost a part of her in this, whereas she use to bloom! She shrinks now, within herself and i cannot help her anymore...
I actually followed to the wood but two roads diverged in this wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
I still have my sanity and my suffering is going away: i keep on moving and my dreams are safe from harm. It is only temporary.

The Passion i had for her is now gone as i have been betrayed too many times and i do not believe anymore in the possibility of an island. But Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops/dies more slowly, and commitment more gradually still. I am now in this state where i look at what happens and i devoted myself to help her out because of all these things which are still linking us, knowing that i cannot (nor wish) fix all the problems.
Once she will geographically be far away, we will gently be diluted away.
She is still the one i look at believing she is amazing but now i also look at her and i realise that she would have brought me to Hell whereas all i want is to fly to heaven. I let myself be brought too close to the gates actually.
I still cannot figure out how such a waste could happen!
It takes two to tango but i'm telling you: it only takes one to fuck up!

Man, Time is a bitch but it helps dying happy obviously!
I will remember her as the Love of my Life!
Hopefully not, hopefully i will be lucky enough to meet another amazing woman.

I hope i will manage to trust her one day...

The friend you became

2005-12-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

I have an injunction, don't look surprised!!!!!

Time to get even in this unproved life, time to get some time off.

Questions all over the years I live, it is time for some answers, beware of my drift!!!!!

So, to be true, denial won't work, and there is nothing you can't do.
Life has this inertia.

A feast arises, be glad you're invited and please pass the wine.
Life has these criteria.
So face the issues and swallow that's the little you can do.
I am sooooo sorry for you.

All those worry about all those dreams, and all those nights when I screamed.

Yesterday Life dropped a bomb on me but I didn't act like a fool.
I faced the shockwave and opened my arms wide, my wings spread out, my fingers in a fan.

Come, I'll shelter you, once more. You know i am always here to protect you.

But a true feast arises when you're done, and you're done when prospects are gone.
Pass the wine say I!

Cause when you're down in the mud: dreams won't come, pleasure is gone.

What did you do wrong? Nothing on purpose I guess.
What did I do wrong? Nothing on purpose, I'm sure.
Security is just a game.

Come now, you need to rest and I will then push you to move on.
And I will help you moving on.
I will then get my broken pieces and see how I can glue them back together.

I master this part.

I have an injunction, don't be surprised.
But I am not drifting away, you can rely on me.
Always...
Love is gone, but Hell, nothing is totally dead.
Denial won't work but facing what remains after facing what was lost makes me stronger.
I am a rock but a shelter not one thrown to your face.

Come, it'll be quiet and peaceful, isn't it what you need?

My warmth and Love for you as the friend you became.

Definition of Hell

2005-12-05T10:13:00.000+08:00

Man, I hope this will never happen to me.
I hope I will stop Lovong Her and just keep her as my 'Special Friend'.
Fuck, it sounds already twisted...
I think i'm fucked up for good now.
I think it already happened to me.

Lighting a paper match on a marshmallow under water

2005-11-28T02:55:00.000+08:00

You can do anything, except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.

I thought this was the exact summary of what I wasn't able to do as if there is a will, there is a way.
But let's face it, my love story proves me wrong.

You cannot experience the most marvelous Love story if the other one isn't able to reach these levels.
Some things I have accepted from Her, things which should have shown that the long term wasn't possible: Proof of Love.

The Proof of Love is the definite sign that Trust doesn't exist or isn't strong. Trust in oneself and also of course in the other one. This nasty bug that would make your partner think or even say ‘I am not good enough’. Never heard this one?

What are all tragedies about? Always about managing to show, or not, this proof: not managing actually. You can lead a horse to the water but you cannot make it Love you, or something like that...

How can you prove you Love? Why on earth, at a certain time, would someone look back and gather facts to try to explain how much Love is around? Explain Love... in 300 words.

I will never have us back, but is the pain worth trying again?
Why not deciding that shallow is good?
Would it help to swim in sha(g)llow water?

Not satisfying, maybe, but easy and comfortable: comfortably numb.
Should it be the choice I make and stick to now?
But then I would have to put a lot of letter between brackets when refering to my partner. Would I only prononce (p)ass(ion) or pass(ion) and (pass)ion would be used when having more scientific talks?
When would I use passion?

Why the fuck couldn't you live it the way it was? You sick or what?

Maybe it isn't so difficult to light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.

Isn't my home where her heart belongs?

2005-11-23T15:13:00.000+08:00

She knew how to reach me deep inside, we'd walk and talk and touch tenderly: she found a part of me I could not hide from her only...

We built a love so strong that I thought it could never break, there was not a road we were afraid to roam.
The whole world was starring at us, glowing with this aura of Love... This trail of us passing by, still remembered by many.

We'd kiss all the way from Sydney to Paris cause in each other's arms we were home sweet home.

But she doesn't feel the same, and even if she does, she has given herself away for a dream that I hope will never turn into a nightmare.

Home isn't where her heart is anymore.

And she may still come home, but I live here alone…
And she may still come to her home, but I live in mine alone…
Home sweet home, Home sweet home…

My home isn't where her heart is anymore??????

Can i have us back?

2005-11-22T14:46:00.000+08:00

If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

I wonder of this thought should apply to a failed Love story.
Can a love story be a failure or is it just a story without the ending you were expecting?
Can I go back in time and have us back?

Can I?

And, if i cannot, how can i destroy all evidence that i ever tried?

Because i sucedeed to be madly in Love, and i do not know how to destroy this Love...

Can i have us back?

So, just take this bear for a beer in a bar.

2005-11-18T15:41:00.000+08:00

Some folks say there are no bears in this city, and some folks never seen a bear at all!
Some folks got a bear across the hall and some folks say that bears go around eating babies!
But we all know it is wrong: bears only have rabbits as best friends and they gather to cheer up sad donkeys together with jumpy tigers!!!

Some folks say that bears go around smelling bad while others say that a bear is honey sweet...
Some folks say this bear's the best I ever had, whatever they mean...
Some folks drive the bears out of the wilderness and some would even pay a fee just to see a one!
Me I just bear up to bewildered best.
Some folks even see the bear in me!

So meet a bear and take him out to dinner. And even though your friends might stop and stare, just remember that there's a bear with you and they just don't come no better than a bear!

Some folks say that bears go around eating babies, but you now know that bears only want kisses, on your sweet lips while fishing for a glimpse of interest in your sweet eyes.

So, just take this bear for a beer in a bar.
It will gear up for a dance and for sure the tiger, the donkey and the pig will come across...
Just make sure you will softly blow kisses away...

A book from this Woman

2005-11-17T10:33:00.000+08:00

That picture hangin' on the wall was taken by a friend.

He gave it to me when he owed me ten but now it doesn't look like much I guess.

But it's all that's left of him.

Why don’t you step in Babe?

I'll cook a meal, I'll tell you about where I've been. It will not take too long, then, I'll show you all the things I own. My treasures you might say, not worth much …
But they brighten up my day.

There, here's a book I got, from this Woman I thought I knew. I guess I read it front to back, fifty times or so. It's all about the good life, and staying at ease with the World.

It's funny how I love that book, and I how much I loved that girl.
It’s funny how I love that book and how I don’t care about Her anymore.

Hold this piece of glass up to the light from the spotlight here, in the kitchen.

It's a prism glass I found on the road, back home. Can you see that little rainbow??? Well it's not really a prism I guess it just broke in a funny way when I was on my way here.

I call it ‘My Heart’ because mine also broke when I found out I would not make it here with her since she was heading somewhere else with somebody else.

I chipped my glass heart when the fleshy one stopped beating.

I keep it as a reminder…

Well that's about all I own, and all I care to I guess. Except these sunglasses, that funny yellow vest and my father’s leather jacket.

Take away the miseries and you take away some folks’ reason for living.

2005-11-11T14:22:00.000+08:00

This is an observation I was making to myself yesterday.
I was looking at the panorama through the glass window of the train bringing me back to the capital. I was enjoying the sweet smell of the perfume the woman beside me was wearing. Freshly showered and pampered, I was imagining her on her way to meet this special person, maybe getting excited as the train was wolfing the kilometers.
I was remembering how I used to feel when I was walking to the places where I was supposed to meet my angel, how excited and out of breath I was when finally seeing her. The burst of joy when touching her skin, and the lust that was coming with.
Then I told my colleague, also beside me but on the other side, that it was a really nice feeling to sense the joy she was filled up with.
He only told me that perfume as heavy as this give him allergies and sometimes even asthma.
The lovely lady was starting to smile, giggle and as she grabbed the mirror from her bag, to check on her make up, he started to tell me all about his allergies and how difficult his life is.

She was gently brushing her hair, now dryer, still smiling. She then checked on her lipstick and stopped smiling: the lipstick went sliding on the lower lip and onto the other on. She evened out both lips and bit a piece of cloth. After double-checking, she looked at me and gave me a big smile.
My colleague was now complaining about how horrible it is to age and how horrible it will be if ever his wife dies before him…

I looked again at this woman in love, thought about happiness, and smiled back at this sixty years old person…

Poets don't go mad

2005-11-01T09:14:00.000+08:00

Poets do not go mad, but chess players do. Mathematicians do go mad, and cashiers as well, but creative artists very seldom. I am not attacking logic; I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not imagination.

I took a long break from writing and got back into my old habit of introspecting and observing people. I have been also monitoring myself in different situation, and I found out that I am now able to step out from situation and become an observer of my own life.

A great talk with a monk over the weekend taught me that this is one of the meditating techniques they use, and it made me wonder a lot. Am I changing myself so much that I start to relate more to monks than to my old fellows?
Puzzled with this discovery, I went back home and looked at the music I am listening to at the moment, and it is indeed more related to chilling out and thinking than the mind blowing punk-funk shit one can listen to on TV. Am I doing something to myself??

I also went out, a lot actually, and happily came back: there isn’t just a monk in me, there is certainly still this passion that’s burning. And I haven’t forgotten my monkey, whatever I try to do, she is still comes back directly or indirectly.

I still fell her smooth skin on the tips of my fingers, and the softness of her hair still makes me shiver. She wasn’t in any of the places I went to, but of course I had to bump into someone who knows her, this little angle, and we got to speak about her. I got to realize that I was still drawn…

I know it won’t be possible, and I know I should be rational about this. But I don’t want to kill this sweet pain, that’s part of being human: longing for something…

I swim faster and better.
I have this devil that I am afraid to release, but it is seriously banging at the doors…
My wings are ready,
I never realized that I am a cool person,
Why not spreading the wings and the news????

I have kept my sanity, my heart and ability to Love.
I haven’t changed my values; Life hasn’t altered my goals and references.
Man, I hope you too are feeling great.

Wings of Redemption

2005-10-20T16:26:00.000+08:00

The man who feels himself solitary is the most readily disposed and most readily fitted for the self-reflection; that is the man who by nature or destiny or both is alone with himself and his problematic, and who succeeds, in this blank solitude, in meeting himself, in discovering man in his own self, and the human problematic in his own.

This man is I as I grow up within my ‘singleness’, learning from my fall but opening up to the marvelous possibilities that the world unleashes before my eyes.
I have spoken to a lot of people and heaps of couple about Love, or about not finding it. Or worse, having it while the other spoils it…

I have this example of a great man, who like me (even if the adjective doesn’t apply to me), met his girlfriend in an environment where it was more than unexpected to meet a match. Easy women or even cheap whores all around, the rule of supply and demand applying for the love scene as well, it wasn’t obvious that he would go for a western woman. Isn’t it in the human nature to look for comfort But hey, the courting game went well, and as she was meeting him every week-end he was dreaming about her all week long. And the things went well…
He left his life and job to follow her when she got a great opportunity abroad. It is important to have priority one should say, and being with the one you love is one of them. I did change my life for hers too…
Three years went by, and they kept on moving places together: he learnt a new job within the same field as hers to be able to follow her as she was climbing the ladder getting to the highest ranks of the hierarchy, as she was screwing with her boss…
He found out lately and moved back to where he was originally from, poisoned by the things she was saying while she was fucking around with their common life.
So much for faithfulness…
He will need time to reconsider any kind of emotional commitiment, I even feel that I will not make NEW friends before a long time.

I have moved on enough now, and I will not get into this stupid cliché about women always cheating on their partners, as it is not true. But I have also moved on with my concept of the couple, and I think I have found my way.

Fact: it is always when something is forbidden that it gets more appealing.
Fact: if all things are possible, then it is a choice made only by reference to one self values and not by other kind of psychological pressure.

I am not jealous by nature, I actually think that I am too trustful to be able to really grasp the concept of being jealous. Maybe too dumb or with way to much ego also… (Note to myself: get an answer to this last point).
So instead of trying to remain in a world where my life doesn’t intersect with the life of another soul, but hopefully parallels hers at least; I have decided to look at my natural point of view on things and apply them. I will not observe my hopes and fears as I try to remain sane in a world from which I feel increasingly excluded due to a lack of compliance with accepted rites and standards.
I am devoting myself to my true nature and I am going to keep on improving myself and help my tribe to get better and better. I am choosing my style over the imposed stupid social standards…

There, I have set my way and I am definitely starting to brush my wings.
I am back to my strong self.

Has fate something to do with what will happen? I doubt it.
When has fate ever been kind?
I had a nice talk with an angel last night, as a member of my tribe was going through a tough time.
I had a difficult talk with the latter as the angel was twirling on a different ground.
I saw a smile appearing on the face of my tribe mate, I listened to my angel telling me about her encounter with the sleazy man and laughed about it with her.

I am here and I am standing.
You can rely on me because I have supported myself and I took me out of the shit hole I let myself fall into.

Let’s make it to the next level now…

A bit(e) on Religions

2005-09-27T02:05:00.000+08:00

That cross you wear around your neck, is it only a decoration, or are you a TRUE Christian believer?

Yes, I believe - TRULY.

Then I want you to remove it at once- and never to wear it again!
Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear?
Her eyes are sewn shut. Blinded temporarily she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with crosses.
You had me take off my cross because it offended....
It offended no-one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No - it simply appears to me to be discourteous to... to wear the symbol of a deity long dead.
Our ancestors tried to find IT. They fought for IT, killed for IT and to open the door that separates us from our Creator.
But you need no doors to find God.
If you believe....
Believe?! If you believe you are...gullible.
Can you look around this world and believe in the goodness of a God who rules it?

Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death! THEY rule this world!!!!
There is also Love and Life and Hope.
Very little Hope I assure you.

No. If a God of Love and Life ever did exist...
IT is long since dead.
Someone...Something rules in His place.

The Big Mistake

2005-09-23T11:33:00.000+08:00

The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten.

LOVE

2005-09-19T13:31:00.000+08:00

LOVE, n.
A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages.

This morning, I woke up in a daze.

I was surfing under the full moon two nights ago and last night i had a bbq on the rooftop of a building.
After a really fun evening, I sat home and I started thinking about how better the evening could have been. I started to imagine how much better it would have been with Her by my side. And I realize that I was just setting myself up! I am trying to make myself sad! But i am not wanting Her anymore! She has refused it all, let it be!
I realize that it could not have been any better, because She isn’t the one who I would like to have beside me! Maybe the evening could have been better if I had somebody who makes me blush every time I get a glimpse of her, trying to focus on the conversation I’m having, as my mind goes wandering…
But this person isn’t around and the one I thought were, didn’t decide to step into my world and it is just a fact: no hard feelings about it anymore either.
It is clear that I have stopped turning my head and look back at what happened before, winging.
One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.
This is a real fact also, and everyone I met has this tendency: procrastination and angst!!! That’s what is blowing up this inner candle, not the harm caused by the events themselves.

But to revive this flame, worse case scenario, one should learn to give again. When you give yourself, you receive more than you give and that’s what is bringing your spirit up!!!! I now look at the World as a provider of good events and my energy is multiplied by a thousand. I have met great people last night, and I spoke about karma. I actually listened to a yogi talking about karma, and explaining how is chakras are opening (it was sounding a bit erotic sometimes, I wonder if he has hard ons when he reaches the state he was describing)… I will have my first yoga lesson on Thursday…

I have forgiven, I keep on repeating it but I want to make sure I am not fooling myself. I am the easiest one who I can fool sometimes.
I have reached forgiveness this answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.

I am definitely soaking up my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will I share it with someone one day?
It is not a concern, and if She passes by and sees me then we will dance.
My fingers are still spread out in a fan, and I am accepting You to touch them but if and only if You can stare at my eyes and accept the flame You'll see.
You will then be mine and the World will be our playground because I will share it with You…

Until then, I will keep on being free: my only freedom, the one of my mind.

You and hide

2005-09-12T11:02:00.000+08:00

In my flat, facing the glass window, warmth from outside licking my cheeks.

I can see through the buildings, all is quiet and remain unchanged. Up through the buildings and in different skies, it's heavy with silence: like You&I now.
Why did we make each other cry?
Why did we do that when we both know we loved each other so. Yes we both knew.
From my flat, the stars look so dull and dark. I am comfortably numb but I want to wake up. Tonight I feel alone. I am remembering every fight, when we were loosing bits of You&I each time.
Oh baby, I wish you could have heard me, and feel how much I loved you. I never wanted to fight with you, just wanted to make things right for you, for us... Cause I care about You.
Up from my flat, I can't see much...
The shrapnel from our explosive break up are still deep in my heart, I am still licking my wounds. Bleeding heart over pictures of You&I...
Evaluating the waste, evaluating the damages.
Evaluating what we were, You&I.
You&I no more, no more!
We now are You, & I am gone.

A man of Passions

2005-09-08T17:44:00.000+08:00

Passion is an amazing thing, to which I surrender myself. I am usually described as an even-tempered man, actually more often told that I am way too cold with people…
The most wonderful of all things in Life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy (even as the number of years together increases). This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. If I have the feeling that a woman can fulfil my every seconds from the moment I meet her, I explode!
When the habitually even-tempered suddenly fly into a passion, that explosion is apt to be more impressive than the outburst of the most violent amongst us: I do scare people because of that. I cannot just like or dislike something/someone. I Love or I hate but I do not waste my time nor my feelings.
Having said that, I have this chance to be able to keep my clarity of mind in almost all situations: when I loose it, it is never for long, and I patch any mistakes I made as a first priority when back on earth. In fact, for me clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.
Have you ever had this feeling to know that it is not a fling but a great story you are starting? I had this feeling, but it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?

So, Passion… Ah Passion…
This outburst of feeling that fills you up in a blink of an eye, and consumes you!!
Not being around or hearing about the other one is intolerable! All of a sudden you are not on Earth but at the gates of the purgatory, already suffering.
Every second spent away just increases the urges to get closer, stare, touch, kiss and embrace…
This absence is pure cruelty, a torture of the mind and soreness to the heart: Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out a candle, and blows in a fire.
But when Passion is driving your soul, your perception of the World changes totally. I remember this dress she was wearing, oh not a gorgeous dress at all, but I also remember the aura surrounding her, this warmth and how extremely fast my heart was beating: Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it!!!

Then, some say Passion disappears. I say it’s bullshit!
I am passionate for my woman every second, every fucking second my heart leaps when I think about her. During my longest relationship, I have passionately loved my partner every fucking second given to me. I have made love to her with my eyes, my brain and my body. Then, even full of deception and understanding that this story was getting nowhere cause she was also seeing somebody else, I have been passionate, joylessly passionate. Such a sin…
The worst sin - perhaps the only sin - passion can commit, is to be joyless.

I am a man of passions, look at me when I roar! Look at me, wings spread out!
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

Here is my hand, spreading my fingers out in a fan.
Come on, relax and do the same.
Have your thumb touching mine, all fingers connecting. Feel me and look at me in the eyes. I miss your lips, your comfy lips.

ORCAE ITA*

2005-09-08T14:36:00.000+08:00

Mystery,
Mysteries about our swift stay on Earth, what are we meant to do?
Why do we bother communicating? Working or humming…
Let me tell you something you have most probably been told already:
Life is a delicacy: pleasures or moans.
Why are WE here for? This I don’t know.
But I know what I am here for! I am here for her, for us to fall asleep together.
Here for her to fly with my wings. I guess I’m here for Love!
Above my roof: the sky, she runs through my mind.
The only true meaning for being here, her...
C’mon ! Let’s dance and join the ball! And under the blanket of stars, kiss!!!!
Music and mystery, this is so obvious to me.
Yes!!! I am here for her, for us to awake embracing.
I am here for her to fly with my wings!!!

But my wings are broken, and who are you?

*Pretty straightforward

Mean today

2005-09-05T22:17:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling mean today, not lost, not blown away.Just irritated and quite hated, my self control breaks down.Why's everything so tame?I'm fabricating and debating who I'm gonna kick around.
I can't find a way to get across the hate when I see you.
I feel it scratch inside and I want to slash and beat you.
I rip apart the things inside that excited you.
I can't control myself because I fucking hate you.
I'm feeling cold today, not hurt but just fucked away: I'm devastated and frustrated.
So why'd I feel the need? I think it's time to bleed maybe just cut myself and watch the blood hit the ground.
No, actually if you open your mouth again, I swear I'm gonna break it…

The Mind, Life and the tears in my eyes

2005-09-02T07:26:00.000+08:00

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing. I am not sure it will ever manage to figure itself out. Everything else from atoms to the Universe, everything else but itself...

When Life seems chaotic, you don't need people giving you easy answers or cheap promises. There might not be any answers to your problems. What you need is a safe place where you can bounce with people who have taken some bad hops of their own.

That is the way to support the main task of healing the pain, to repair the dents in your Life. Be surrounded by friends and people you enjoy, people who only want the best for you. In such an environment, the whole World becomes a trustful place where events are only occurring in order to help you getting out of the clouds Life put around you: it is the best place to realize that Trust exist and that it is not because one betrayed that all will.

I have been giving my Love and Trust to this woman, and she betrayed me, more than once actually. It was her who put the clouds around me and made the tears drop from my eyes. It was her who broke my heart into pieces when I realized that once again she was playing with our lives, and her who made me feel like I should have never entrusted anyone with my Life, MY LIFE! She made my blue eyes blue. But do not apologize to myself for having expressed my feelings: by doing so i would just apologize for the Truth.

I thought she was loving me as much as I was loving her, that I was all she needed to keep on being this amazing woman I once met. I thought she would keep on enjoying the man I am, and not wish I would turn into a man who wouldn’t be noticed by anyone anymore, giving her peace of mind and calming down the voices in her head: the jealousy, this disease born from insecurities about herself.

I had seen my heaven in her eyes, but my heaven is fucking gone astray! Or let say that until a few days ago, I thought it was on a totally different reality plan: the one I was coming from, now unreachable. I now know that it is wrong, that I am still in the cold but not forever… I just need to heal my pain. It will just take time, and how long doesn’t matter.

I have believed in a lie, and it is only when fully comfortable that I will let myself believe again, which means that i will have to spend enough quality time (from romantic, quiet to overwhelmed discussions). In the meantime, I will not shut myself down but let the World show me signs and meet amazing people. It is only when my blue eyes won’t be blue that I will be back to myself.

Having spent a couple of month trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

I wish this could be so obvious to everyone...

An angel flies away...

2005-08-30T10:08:00.000+08:00

My life is brilliant and my love is pure.

I saw an angel. That's for sure.

She smiled at me with a thousand smiles, and she was bound somewhere far.

But I won't lose no sleep on that, because I've got a plan.

You know: You're gorgeous, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded bar, and I don't know what to do.

What a fuckin’ great plan! Yeah, she caught my eyes, as we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was fuckin’ high!

We shared moments that will last till the end.

And I don't think that I'll see her again.

But what I think isn’t the Truth, hope I’m fuckin’ wrong...

I will not sit and wait in vain, which would be a waste of the great things we felt.

You know: You're beautiful, yes it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do, what a fuckin' great plan! Yeah!!!!

There must be an angel with a smile on her face.

There must be a thousand of angels with smiles on her face.

Where the fuck is my angel, where's my smile fuckin’ gone?

Hey, what would you do if you had to close a chapter of your life an ocean away from where you live.

Hey, what would you do if after closing this painful chapter you would need to choose where the next will happen, and you were willing to keep all options open?

Well, you would probably make sure that no strings attach you anywhere, wouldn't you?

And if on top of that you wouldn't want to loose face? Well, you would jump on any opportunity and use it, whatever it takes: even twisting reality or lying!

I say that it is my understanding...

And i understand cause i would probably act the same way, but more directly...

Beautiful sadness...

2005-08-29T08:26:00.000+08:00

I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

I kept thinking about the ‘swimmer in us’ concept thing…
I came to realize that I forgot about one category last time! I forgot about the most important category actually, and I feel a bit stupid about that.
I took for granted that every good ‘swimmer’ would be thrilled about jumping in the ocean and enjoy the waves! I took for granted that when you have a natural skill, you use it…
Well, I have been stupid and it is important to clarify things and try to be as exact as possible now.

Some of these natural ‘swimmers’ refuse to swim, they simply refuse. They rather use their natural buoyancy and only float. They just seem to be afraid of the freedom and the amazing feeling that swimming full speed provides, breathtaking act: going straight for Christ sake, and never turn back! And while traveling why not thinking about who/what you meet but never refuse what the World has to offer because of prejudices or clichés.
Well some ‘swimmers’ just refuse and also stick to the clichés.

Of course, Life leaves scars and it takes time to mend the wounds. But why the fuck refusing to get back into the arena and fight?
How long does it take to move on? What does it take, how long does it take?
I thought that after taking a big turn in ones life, even if it seems to be more of a U turn sometimes, only heart and body needed time and were simply refusing to help swimming again. Well, I have also to change my mind on this one. Heart and body are mending but are still making sure the swimmer keeps on going, for as long as the mind wants to: I’m adding a third player in this game of Life.

But then, are we saying that moving on is only a matter of mind and not primarily a matter of heart/body? What about this one: the heart recovers faster than the mind but starts protecting itself even when the mind isn’t aware that something is happening… There would be a natural defense mechanism, a sentinel, in us shutting down some vital emotional functions but unfortunately without reporting the shutdown to the mind. In a sense, when your love life is going down the drain, your heart is already wearing the armor and getting ready for the coming clash… It will, therefore, be healed before one can expect: because it was aware and protected…

But then, what is the mind’s task?
Well, if the heart is ready to function then it is the mind that has tasks to complete before the next take off, and I actually believe that there is only one task: taking care of the pain left behind…
So, reaching completion is moving on.
Managing to locate these spots of pain, and curing them: that is the task of the recovering swimmer.

I have found these islands of pain, almost totally I hope: I feel that I am full of passion and I want to unleash it. Not in a chaotic way, no: I want to give it all to one and enjoy all that comes with it.
Passionate nights and cuddly mornings, warm coffee over morning smile as well as bubbly champagne in bed between a thousand kisses and her thousand smiles.
I will not accept compromises with myself about that.
I have been bending too much and I’d rather not give than not give properly.

I have been looking at my wings lately, drooling: flying high again would be a treat. Too bad it isn’t happening, I say… I say ‘you should give it a try’!
I say that things come in time…
And the eternity is long, mainly at the end…

Being able to be happy...

2005-08-24T21:57:00.000+08:00

No one had taken notice of her smile or even spotted her tears
No one had deemed her good or vile but no one had calmed her fears.
But she brought me a golden heart, on a velvet chain.
You know we'll never be apart or experience pain.
She whispered: Never be apart, never going back to the start, Or experience pain, never again.

For the longest time I have been looking at this question I wrote in my little black book.
For the longest time I have been trying to find an answer which would satisfy me and help me improve my understanding of people.
I think I found such an easy answer to this question today that it does sound like a proper answer to me or at least the best embryo I captured so far!

The question goes: Is being able to be happy a natural skill?

I have been wondering about this because I have met a lot of people who seem to have everything they need to bloom but still they cannot happy and worse: they manage to fuck up and make others feel miserable! As if it was their nature to destroy all chance of happiness when they were getting there, when they had it even!

This ability 'to be happy', this natural knack like breathing or kissing. This wonderful talent that makes you reach a state where the soul and heart are pounding so hard and to stay put in that state of bliss! Being happy, being wonderfully in love and happy with your life without trying to twist reality and just destroy everything!

This skill, I believe, is natural in the sense that you cannot learn it, you can only master it. Without it you can eventually reach a stage of happiness but will you be able to keep on being like this without working hard on it? Can you ne like the gardener taking good care of his one and only flower? Naturally bringing all the water, the love, She needs to grow and become the most wonderful flower ever, just taking care of Her as naturally as he feels the warmth of the sun on his skin. Pouring love instead of just spreading a bit here and there…

Well, I think this skill is like swimming… That's my answer, no highly philosophical but hey, i said i was a pragmatical guy, not a philosopher!
Swimming: You can always be taught, anytime, but you will only manage to be skilled if you have been taught, young.
You can always float but you won’t have a smooth style nor will you be fast and nice to look at. And even sometimes, you will only float if you have a life jacket...
I think most people try to swim in life and life resists as water does.
Then, instead of feeling the waves and bend so that all gets easy and nice again, they force their ways and by doing so never reach or stay in this state of comfortable numbness.

I look at the way I live, who I meet or still know after more than a decade and I believe I have his talent: I swim! I am a gardener and i have spotted my flower.

I found myself surrounded, physically or not by great people and all of them are able to be happy. Some have refused to stay any longer in a relationship that was exhausting their souls or altering their bodies, just because they knew it wasn’t right as per moral standards but also as per their own understandings.
Some have tried, like me, to make the relationship work by staying and try to show what being happy is. Hoping that it would be enough…
Some are still trying to make it happen, and I wish them luck.
Some have just been looking in the proper direction and met the match.
Some have suffered so much that they are the living proof that it is in their nature to be able to be happy.

I think I am in a state where I feel my wings flapping…
I feel like roaring or run in the jungle.
Jump partner, come with me: we have many things to see!

What do you look like under the sunlight?

Musing, longing, living!

2005-08-22T12:50:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting here alone, thoughts of you run wild.
I'm longing for your touch, haunted by your smile.
No use trying to erase…

Knew I could never hold that girl, born to see the world.
All I got is a vivid picture of you pinned in my mind: walking barefoot in the alley of a temple…
Smiling stone faces laughing at me.

Trade winds blowing through your hair.
Sunlight dancing on the water, what do you look like when the sun shines?
And I wish I was there to see!
Don't know how i'm going to find you!
All i know so far, you're running with my heart!

Revelation? No, Confirmation!

2005-08-21T21:34:00.000+08:00

I'll try to make the sunshine brighter for you; I will even play the fool if it makes you smile!
I'll try to make you laugh if there's a tear in your eye.
I'll try to make the star shine brighter for you, and I'll take you on my shoulders, hold you way up high!
I'll even chase the rainbow hanging in the sky…
I'll try to make the days last longer for you.From the daybreak, 'til the sunset, 'til the end of time
I'll keep you safe, away from the heartache.
Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head cause I know it's gonna be alright…

Signs, signs all around me and all throughout my day, almost everyday!
The World is unveiling its plans slowly and I am trying to understand what is happening.
For the past few months, I have been reviewing my life.
Using a really Cartesian approach, I have isolated events when it was possible.
Then, one by one, I have studied them under a microscope and looked as deep as possible in order to find the glitch. I wanted to know how each event contributed to my life and if deal with any issue before moving on to the next.
Once I reached the point where the event couldn’t be studied or twinkled any further, I left it one the side: piece of my personal jigsaw.

Of course, one of them is my last relationship and mainly finding out if I managed to get over it.
Would someone have asked me last Saturday afternoon, I would have said: Of course, I am totally done with it and I would have looked straight in the eyes of the others. Of course, others would have grinned: funny how people don’t believe that one can not be in love with an ex anymore!

Well, the World played a trick on me last night!

I went to a barbeque, and then I got myself dragged into a bar: “twist my arm wankers, I will not go with you to the bars, I want to go home and read my bible!!” did I tell them. They forced me to go and as they were securing my handcuffs, and bringing the beers, my ex-girlfriend appeared.

Once again not prepared, becomes a habit here, doesn’t it?

Well, I was fucking right about me!! I have over with my ex and my past relationship. I mean, there isn’t a left over of love that was hiding and pounced on my heart when she appeared. There was just a bit of surprise and not even hate or bad feelings. She came to me, and I was glad to know that she found people to hang out with. No more no less.

Actually, as I was talking to her and others I realized that I was missing my muse.
Tiger misses Monkey, and Tiger knows there is no cage He has to escape from.
Tiger misses the smiles and frowning of Monkey…
It’s gonna be alright!!!!!!

Well, i really start to believe that i have to get these wings off the hanger.

I have been repairing them but didn't dare to wear them: i guess the World is pushing me change my mind.

I rave no more

2005-08-20T14:46:00.000+08:00

I rave no more against Time or Fate,

For lo! My own shall come to me.

Yet! - What does my future narrate?

Dim the lights - I cannot see!

It was on a Thursday evening…
I will keep to myself the bookshop incident, it is just the introduction to the story. And I do not wish to share it with anybody else but her: it will be our little thing for as long as she remembers me and she is willing to remember us.
So, It was on a Thursday night, and it is happening in a coffee shop.
Tiny cup of expresso in my shaking hand, eyes staring...
I was trying to control the shivers down my spine as I was telling myself that it wasn’t rational. It was such an unexpected thing that I wasn’t ready for it, TOTALLY unprepared for such an event. How could I be prepared to meet you, my muse?
I was shouting to myself that she was too good to be true. We were talking, she made me talk and I accepted to unveil myself: strip and hopefully she will be teased!!!! Lay my cards down on the table, strip poker, just to let you know exactly who I am.

I will not play games: look i am undressing and i want you to win.

I emptied the cup, hands still shaking.
A rush of blood to my head as a small drip of sweat was running down my still shivering spine…
Warmth! Warmth! I am still alive!

The Tiger and the Monkey, impossible couple she said: Impossible peaceful gatherings, impossible couple she said... She is so true! We are not having a peaceful gathering at all, I am roaring inside. I want to jump out of my skin, does she feel it or am I am even taming my eyes?
Did she say couple????? DID SHE SAY COUPLE??????

And I grabbed the empty cup a thousand times.

I hid from her inside this cup, it was empty but I was drinking a lot out of it: counting back, i probably drank ten cups of fake expresso! I am so not at ease, she will notice! I am so into her already, what the fuck did she do to me? How??

I was closing my eyes and telling myself that it would stop as it started: she would stop our conversation at some stage, and go back swiftly to the world where she belongs OUTSIDE, I would get back to my own tiny world INSIDE.
More fake coffee inside my empty stomach, can't hurt, my heart is pumping so hard! It makes my head move to its rhythm.
Did it ever happen to you? Waving to the rhythm or your own soul? Do you remember how good it feels?

You got me, unwillingly I’m afraid, as I think I got you too, i hope i got you!!!

If i didn't get you, i want to go back in time and do it again until i make it. I will see you again and again and fall in love deeper and deeper... Wondering about how much in love i can get!!!

So far, so good. NO!!! Wait...

So fast, so good. It never happened to me and still she is the only woman i want to have in my arms, it feels so great to be drawn...
Corny songs have these lyrics: ‘You got me at hello’
Well Monkey, you got me at hello…

I think I am unfolding my new wings before I even managed to explain, on this blog, when and how they got broken.

I will be a sophomore MisterWing for now but I want to be back: watch me!!!!!!!
Time to fly again, I think!!
Thanks Monkey!

In the Cambodian Garden...

2005-08-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

In the garden, in the park, on a bench, I sit.
A newspaper floats on the breeze of this late summer.
It is coming my way, are you coming my way?I patiently wait.
I see the sign, it's on the road. And I think it's crazy.
In the garden of the park, on a bench, I watch.
The sandy feet of the children.
Pearls of sweat run across their beautiful faces.
I see you, clouds of dust around your bare feet.
I see the sign; it’s on the way…
In the garden, off the park, on a bench I realize.
Children cry as you leave, I will join them.
Don’t fly away now…

Things are not always as you picture them. There is more to know than what you grab or sense. Perception of things is always tinted with own feelings: what you see of the world is only the transmission of the light thought your personal tinted window.
The World is an amazing place in which you can suffer every moments or in which you can grab the best and go with it.

For a couple of month, I have been suffering every second of my days and my nights were painful as my brain was stirring my shit up.
I was a stranger in my own skin and I had the feeling to only be surrounded by liars, liars, liars...
Slowly, it seems that I have managed to clean a bit this messy mind and I have sorted out a lot: shelves were organized at the back of my mind and boxes prepared to store feelings and snapshots of a life that was mine.
I have kept the best and taped properly the one box full of the worse: I know where it is. I also know that this box will dissolve in time...

Lately, I came to a point where my mind was more of an empty loft (not that I want to be pretentious but I think it relates more to the loft than the student room), waiting for the furniture to be put back in place, and for the pictures to hang on the walls. Why not even for my woman to fully occupy it? She must exist, mustn’t she?
I was certain that this would be done slowly and that I would walk on my own for a while: how on earth would a woman want of a man like me? This is my vision; through my own tinted window…
I was not looking for feelings, still a bit afraid...
But also, now convinced that I would never go against something called 'Attraction'.

I have met an amazing lady, I hope she senses that I am drawn to her…
Time to fly again?

The mentally deranged...

2005-08-18T00:22:00.000+08:00

There's that something in your eyes again, I can't get you to speak.
I try to catch your gaze: Are you watching someone else? I try to hold you up, but you go limp and you feel so cold.
I try to get you to communicate but you are stuck, controlling your own fate!
Can you hear me? Can you fucking hear me????
I think maybe not...
Can you bear me? Can you still fucking bear me?
Holding on to what I haven't got anymore...
And so I swallow the bitter pill, turn my back and head for home, tears in my eyes.
Fading will.
Please don't do that to us again, stay beside me. We are so great, aren't you satisfied?
Don't you feel secure, strong and complete?
Now I'm the mentally deranged...

It was on October 31st that you took me home. I was a bit tipsy, but still able to drive. You were here, and i was focused on you. Oh, it never crossed my mind that you were interested in me.
In fact, since this this long phonecall we had on a sunday i thought you would never want more than laughing with me.

Remember? Sunday, around 2pm, i took my phone and as i was laying on the floor i asked you to come over and have champagne, cherries together with some chocoloate mouss.

I love to fix chocolate mouss for people i like, strange huh?

You teased me, you told me where you were, and what you were not wearing. Of course, never using the words, as you were with Him, but only using metaphores.

Do you remember?

The phonecall lasted a long long time and it ended fast. You had to meet Him and i had to go back to bed.

In between? Dreams of nothingness happening in this stupid city of Manila.

And came this street party.

Where was i coming from? I don't remember, but i do know i was wearing a suit on a saturday night. What the hell was this function?

I was so bored out of my mind that i decided to go to a bar and get tipsy, not drunk.

I stepped into the bar and i saw you.

We spent the evening together, your friend was flirting with another man.

Came the time to go home, and i thought you would enjoy a ride home.

I had nothing in mind, i am so bad with these things, and I didn't even think about anything when i accepted to have a coffee at your place. It was 5am, the sun was rising.

You never brought the coffee but instead reappeared wearing a white silk sexy outfit.

We made love, or maybe should i say: we had sex.

I slept over and asked you to join me for a coffee. You were happy to see me getting out of your place.

I think, i know, i seduced you during our coffee talk. I was already seduced.

Brain crumbles over morning coffee, the erotism of an awaking mind.

You were sipping a hot chocolate, low fat milk, no whipped cream: i was drinking your words.

That's how it started, didn't it? That how we got into the rollercoaster...

Mentally deranged no more.

The tenderness which slept in me...

2005-08-16T15:35:00.000+08:00

I am the only one
who understands me in my ebony dreams.
Why can't I be just like them ...happy?
Life is gone, beautiful.
My suffering eyes drown in delusion and my body paled now cold.
Let the silence bloom as I never will arise in your arms again.
I've died with a smile, 'cause no one did really search the tenderness which slept in me...

But, surprinsigly, life hasn't totally left my body and i can still feel my heart pumping.
The strenght isn't what it used to but still i feel myself able to rise!

I vividly remember this evening, or early morning, when i asked you to be mine.
We were just partners for three weeks, and hiding from the others your friends, and ex boyfriend.
We were drunk of happiness.
I was dreaming out loud asking you to fly to the states the following day and marry me.
We were also drunk...
Is it why you refused or was it already a premice to the trouble we went through?

I don't regret this moment, I never did and I am still proud of it!
I still feel the power of my voice when, even if i was not able to focus, all i wanted was to make sure your hand would lay in mine for a lifetime as we would stroll the alleys of our future life.

This thought created a lot of pain previously but i now know that i should be looking forward to be floded again.
I will now recognize it and make sure this wave of passion leads me, without resistance.
Yes, I am scared of falling again, but also so willing to let myself be hurt again: it will only prove that I have again been true to myself, but also that i have .
My tenderness will never leave me...
It is for me to preciously guard it, and use it to love my people, my tribe.

Keep your thoughts to yourself and they will for always be lost, share them and they will become travel through minds...

The dreamer walks a lonely journey...

2005-08-15T12:08:00.000+08:00

The dreamer walks a lonely journey...

Through the sky he flies but with his feet on the ground, knowing the moon is always with him.
And the dreamer sets his sails... Avoiding all cliffs and stones. But the dreamer is never alone. Always trying to catch the moon .
Sailing on the winds of desolation. Horizon's my destination, and through tears I see that the moon slowly sets.

Another attempt has failed...
As a matter of fact, I am now left here with only the remains of us.

I still have vivid recollection of the first time I met you: it was yesterday, wasn’t it? Time flies so fast when you're happy.
You were bubbly, surrounded by friends, and I was in my corner with my own friends but all of a sudden on my own, attracted...
These blue eyes, I was mesmerized.
This voice, I was bewitched.
I wanted to know more about you!
The Japanese have a saying: ‘when the character of a person is not clear to you, look at his friends.’ I was staring at her friends and, my God, what a wonderful woman were they describing!

I never talked to her this evening: I am not one of these guys able to walk in a bar and speak out the turmoils my mind is enjoying. It is not me, and most probably will never be me…

Not to strangers, so I walked out the bar...
Once more I will have to live and leave with regrets, why can't I just unleash this part of me and be as talkative with strangers as I am with friends?

Comfortably numb...

There's something in the air...

2005-08-14T20:20:00.000+08:00

Mister Wing is truly an object of envy: look, skills, intelligence, money, power and a loving family...
But what others understand about me isn't what i am specifically...

I have been introspecting for a long long time and today, really today, i have decided to put my thoughts on the web. Not that i feel like sharing that much but i might be interested to read them one day...
This blog will be the freezing room of my moments with me, and because there is always a window on the door of a freezing room, then these thoughts will be exposed...

Maybe this will lead to some fruitful moments and maybe this will be my salvation!
I do not consider myself as a great thinker, but more as a pragmatical hopeless romantic: that sounds better and is less pretentious anyway!

I am confused but wondering...