It happens...

Say goodbye to all your pain and sorrow, just let them go!
Say goodbye to all those lonely nights, just welcome them!
Say goodbye to all your blue tomorrows, cause today is tomorrow and today is amazing!
Now you're standing in the light, just look around.

Sometimes you feel so helpless, we're all the same.
Sometimes you feel like you can't win, but it is just your mind playing tricks on you.
Sometimes you feel so isolated

You'll never have to feel that way again
You are not alone
You're not alone

And even if i always felt it,
Never thought I'd find the road to freedom
Never thought I'd hear you smile again
Never thought I'd have the chance to tell you
That I will always be your friend, that I am still your friend

You are not alone
You're not alone

I wanted...

I was seating at the table of a bar, and looking around.
A group of people was at the next table and i did listen to what they were saying, it made me sad and I wrote these couple of lines when I came back home:

I wanted to be Jimmy Hendrix but I have no guitar and I don't know how to play.
I wanted to be Superman, but the suit doesn't fit: Saving the world isn't my thing anyway.
I wanted to be the 6 millions dollars worth man, but i'm earning only 15 thousands a year: I'd better save everyday!
I wanted to be the man of the year, but my determination was too weak.
I wanted to be the employee of the month, but I am not bright nor photogenic.
I wanted to be the surprise of the party, but i showed up the following day!
I wanted to be the one nobody expects but i fucked up the whole thing when i called for directions...
I wanted to be the new Messiah, but there are way to many already: I needed to take a number and wait in line.
I wanted to become Prime Minister, but I hate greed and I am not cunning enough...
I wanted to be SUPER, but i only consume ordinary fuel: I didn't want to be a gas station employee, ah well, that's a bit sad!
I wanted to be the life of the party, but I am not funny enough...
I wanted to the the man who saw the aliens but, where I live we only have squirrels...
I wanted to be John Doe, but even he probably thinks i am too insignificant...

I was there and now, living my Life and looking/hearing them tabling their expactations and how disappointed they were.
Fueling each others with the sadness about what things should be, could have been and not what they are.
The saddest part of all was to know that they weren't realizing the are the only owners of their actions and that what happens is only the result of these actions: nothing else really...

Stay bright!

Floating through the days...

How interesting are the days...
As i am typing this, the rain pours on the large glass windows of my place, and I observe the thunder striking in the far distance. The sound reaches me with the usual delay, and I embrace my life and all the lessons I have been so lucky to be taught up to now.
The water runs down the windows and through the thin layer of water I observe the thnder stricking the far distance. The sound, altered by the drops hitting the glass, reaches me with the usual delay, and I embrace my life and all the teachers I have been lucky to meet.
My mind is calm and does let me see, more and more, Reality as it is: the rain pours and the daily drops are still hitting my body but the sound remains the same, reaching me with the usual delay.

I float through my days and deal with things as they come and as they are getting rid of the perception I have of them: I am equanimous or try to be as much as I can.

I share the experiences with the beings I spend time with but do not share their vision of the Reality and the impacts they have on them. I am detached from them and welcome them all as they are.

The rain has stopped pouring and I am still observing in the distance the thunder, welcoming the sound if it reaches me with the usual delay.

Things are the same with or without me and I am not the center of anything special: I am just being Myself in this place where i live, my mind embracing all the people I know and all the ones I will never meet.

This inner journey is most interesting, and the path I walk the one leading me to new experiences. My mind tends to dwell into some remains of the past which i observe and let go, waiving them good bye. As it is done, it is obvious that they won't come back.

My future is now and now only. I am being here and now, not looking back nor looking forward to anything special: I am just naturally shaping things with my currents actions, responsible for the good and bad that will arise from this.

Action in non-action is a tough concept I am dealing with and I go through it thanks to my fellow men and what they do of what Reality brings.

I introspect and try to understand what they perceive of Life, the best way to love them I guess.

Nothing is bad or good, everything is as it is supposed to be and it is just a matter of the mind.
fighting against Reality just bring misery and ignorance is what leads to more suffering.

So, i sit crossed legged and think.
I watch and observe myself.
One day, maybe, I shall be seeing Reality as it is and not as I conceive it.

I, I, I...
Me, Me, Me they all say...

I just sit, crossed legged and observe, helping as much as possible.

Man, what a journey!
How interesting are the days, through which I float...

What a funny week...

If there are Gods, they are for sure having some clean fun, and they make me laugh!
If the Universe provides when it is necessary then It did serve me a full plate of it, I bow down.

Here i go explaining.

Last week i got a nice message from the past, reminescence from my closest past life, which i left painfuly when i think about it, but also from this whole past that lead me on the middle path i now walk.
I replied.
Then, this week end someone I don't know asked to be added to my skype account. The only thing i knew was the first name of this person, and this first name isn't just random but the one the one i sued to call Princess was given when born, I accepted since it was (I thought, lol) logically related to my reply earlier the same week. I didn't manage to be online when she was(I saw her disappear), so i sent another brief email explaining that i was sorry to have missed the connection but was hoping to get a chance in the near future.

Why is it funny?

Well there comes the funny part: I went to a class on sunday morning where i met a couple of people including a lady, nice and interesting people I must admit. We all chatted but i didn't ask for the first name, not really interested to know more about them as i was getting into the class already, thinking about what i wanted to ask and the couple of clarifications i was after.
The teachings went on, really insightful actually, and then came the time when the teacher asked students to show/share and this little lady struck me. She really did and made me laugh out loud in the middle of the class, didn't feel it come but for sure heard it as everyone else!

What made me laugh out loud is when the teacher thanked her and finished by disclosing her first name which is the same as the previous two others mentioned above.
Man! What a handful of homonyms that was in such a short laps, and for sure a handful of winks from the past!

But if one believes that they are no coincidences, then one also has to take into account the number of times this occurred as well as the time span: 3 times in 3 days, 3 being a really symbolic number in almost all religions and philosophies.

I am sincerely happy it happened as it showed how detached I am from it all.

So there I am with two emails sent to the past and still giggling about it.

But this is not all: It actually made me laugh so much that i had a joyful and light meditation last night and a really amazing wake up in the middle of the night: I was laughing hard, almost crying!
I woke up laughing! It is still wonder to me...

For the last couple of years, i used to wake up every nights because of nightmares and here i find myself laughing while sleeping, disturbed by my own noise!!!
What a wonderful Life that is.

So thanks to the Universe and/or the Gods as they surely made my last couple of days.
Let's hope they are having the same blast as I.

I am so looking forward to the coming month or years as days keep on improving!!!!!

Stay bright people, the light is shinning and all there is to do is to embrace it and wallow but more important: breath!!!!

It was a year ago...

It was a year ago...
Yes, a year ago I was for the first time fasting and enjoying my evenings with a superb soul: I was waiting for her to show up, late as usual, thrilled about the time i would be spending with Her.
And when she was eventually showing up, we were talking, and talking about many things: laughing and talking more, the both of us fasting.
So, I am fasting again, and even if she is not here with me anymore I enjoy this time of the year with sweet pleasure: It has now been 7 days that i didn't touch food, still I smile...
Last week as i was waiting outside of a restaurant, reading a book about 'Mindful breathing' written by a Thai monk that i got in Bangkok earlier this month, came this old little man.
With no reason, he spoke to me for a couple of seconds and simply told me that i was acting like a child: I was sitting on my chair, my feet balancing as children do... He said it was graceful to see someone with a light soul and with such a peaceful aura. He then went back to his family, spoke to an elder woman who looked at me and smiled. I smiled back...
It reminded me of Her, when i was starring at her without her knowing.
I embraced this little seconds of sweetness and dived into my book again, smiling.

My body, of course, as changed a lot also: I have become leaner and stronger.
I am more balanced and much more grounded I know.
Why 'of course'? Well, Mind and Body being so well interconnected, it is simply a consequence of what my Mind seems to be.

I feel good and look forward to the coming years: When will come the time of my last breath, I will happily leave this ground surrounded with the good i try to spread around.

A quote to finish this little mumbling, a quote that might also simply summarize what i wrote:
'A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.' - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Lots of Mettha.

A quote...

In order to be effective truth must penetrate like an arrow - and that is likely to hurt. 'Posthumous Pieces' by Wei Wu Wei

I sense so much pain again

Sitting home, listening to the Piano Concerto No 5 of Beethoven i feel great..

But as i went through my daily meditation, i sensed a lot of pain and confusion coming from who used to be my Princess, and i am really sorry for her: i feel her pain and would like to know her free and happy.
I pause, check on myself and my alignement, I get deeper into me and still the feeling remains.
This misery that comes from within and keeps on returning: it is all coming from inside and has to do with the Inner. Happiness is not depending on the outside elements, it has to do with how we react to them.
The True Self is wrapped into many sheathes tell the Scriptures, and it is only by peeling the onion that It can breath, making us see Reality as it is.
These layers of misery and influences are making us perceive the World as it is not.

Moving on to Missa Solemnis, Beethoven still...

Breaking through is breathing through and opening the eyes on this World that always was here standing, waiting for us to embrace it.
I am happy i broke through but, man, i have a long walk on this middle path!!!

Breath Princess!

Returning to the past, and smiling.

Business trip back in Asia, and feet wandering in the city...
Nights away from the my designers' office alone, going through the city and using all available transportations I passed by all places I once discovered and enjoyed with my partner, back then.
And I smiled at Life since it was offering me to close the loop: I had never hoped nor thought about this!
I waived good bye everytime i was realising that i was there with her during my last trip: Life made me a great gift that i embraced with delight.

So here are a couple of lines for me, full of my smiles.
So here are the candles I lit up when I came back home: as they were burning away the strings attaching me, I embracing Reality.

So here is a part of the energy, quiet and powerful energy that I now constantly carry with me.

I was once complaining about this aura surrounding me, but i now feel right about it and what the others see and feel: peace.

I am peaceful and healthy, I am happy and enjoying the company of my real friends: i had once convinced myself that i had a soul mate: ahhhhhhhh perceptions once again...

My dedication to save others is gone and I now just speak about what I see and feel: others can live in a different reality where they suffer and dilute themselves, all I now do is listen try to understand and simply state what I see.

I hope You all are happy, and regardless I still send my most powerful thoughts when I meditate.

Stay bright.

Typically, my thoughts at night

Well, nothing could summarize better why I ended it...

But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha

That's the truth...

So mote it be!

Today was a good and big day for me.

I went to the grave of my grand father to close a chapter of my life, easing my mind more.

For 18 years i have been living with guilt: i was convinced that i had seen my dead grand father after he hung himself and that i left him, just walking away.
I felt guilty of not beeing able to listen to his pain the night before he killed himself.

18 years of guilt but also probably what lead me to try to help whoever for 18 years, not giving up even when it obviously was hopeless or when i would deeply suffer.
Early this year, after talking to my mother, i learned that i didn't sleep over at his place and that i couldn't possibly be guilty of anything like this since i only got news when he was at the morgue.

I am not guilty of letting anyone down nor not handing in a responsible way such a crisis involving someone i love.

And i went wearing a shirt i bought with my princess, smelling like her perfume that she spread all over while in Hong Kong earlier this month: i was with her and i waved her good bye as i waived him good bye.

So long!

Why I left you, you might realize one day

Yeah, i guess i needed to write this down somewhere but didn't wish to stir up my princess' feelings and head/heart more: i decided to write it here.

Waking up one morning, after a long and fulfilling night of good thinking, it became clear that i was the catalyzer, i was not of any help at all. Exisitng was what was making her pain deeper when i was physically away from her: as she was left alone and let her mind take control she was suffering so much. All her fears and worst thoughts would take control and she would suffer!!!!

I had given nothing or taken away nothing away from her from the day i met her til the day i left her; nothing but me.

During that night I figured out that demons enter the mind when we resist them. The stronger our effort to fortify ourselves against temptation or any other kind of alikes, the stronger the temptation has us in its grip: the fact that i existed was already too much and just helped her demons get wilder and stronger into her mind.

She was totally trapped by her clinging and cravings.

Her mind was and still is probably like a runaway coach and the driver never stops whipping the horses.

Many scriptures and books assure us that this physical world is a mask, and yet the mask isn't physical. It's made of illusion, and illusion is created by the mind. Do you understand? What the mind has created, only the mind can undo. It was necessary to help this hug task to take place, since she said she wanted this to happen.

But she has to get rid and over these illusions by seeing reality as it is. This could never be achieved when at the center of a chaos. Since she couldn't remove herself from this suffering and see what we had, i had to do it. Maybe this will help her in her quest for her true self, as she calls it, since she believes in separate selves.

I wish someone could tell her what i have come to see: you that you can be whole, but only if you see yourself this way. There is no holy life. There is no war between good and evil. There is no sin and no redemption. None of these things matter to the true you. But they all matter hugely to the false you, the one who believes in the separate self. You have tried to take your separate self, with all its loneliness and anxiety and pride, on the path of and to the door of enlightment. But it will maybe walk the path but never go through cause it is a ghost.

You know princess, I can see that you are at war inside. You must believe that you will never win. No one has never won the war. Good opposes evil the way the summer sun opposes winter cold, the way light opposes darkness. They are built into the eternal scheme of Nature. This is pretty easy to accept as a concept and a way of being.
So, there is no point to try to conquer evil or embrace good: can you do that with the summer sun or the winter cold? Just detach yourself from both.
It isn't difficult. Actually, once you admitted to yourself that you would never become completely good or free of sin, something changes inside. You are no longer distracted by the war; and your attention can go somewhere else: that when you start reaching yourself. You are not a warrior. You are not a prisoner of desire, well you are at the moment. Those things come and go.

Just ask yourself: who is watching the war? Who do i return to when the pain is over, or when the pleasure is over? Who is content simply to be? You too have felt the peace of simply being. Wake up to that!

Break free and just let this amazing person you have trapped inside walk free and tall.

I love you and only wishes for your happiness, i had to disappear in order to allow your mind to calm down: focusing on what a wanker i am is better than all this pain you had to deal with. This would allow her to maybe find what really matters: who she really is and maybe even get her to love herself!
this will give her a chance not to vanquish the demons but to find a place already safe from them.

I am sad to have to cut myself from such a beautiful soul to be, but i had to detach myself from this story which was turning way too painful for you as i couldn't help you: you can't save people from themselves. I know you understand...

So i had to leave you...

We live only once, at a time, so here is the chance to make this great!

All the best my princess, my love!

The past is heavy to carry

Rules Of Life As I See Them

1. YOU ARE THE SOLE CREATOR OF YOUR REALITY AND NO ONE CAN CREATE IN YOUR REALITY.
2. NOTHING IS EVER ABOUT A PERSON, THING OR PLACE.
3. EVERY PERSON, THING OR PLACE IS SIMPLY A MIRROR AND HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE A GIFT FOR YOU IF YOU ACCEPT IT.
4. AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU EITHER ARE GIVING LOVE, OR ASKING FOR LOVE.
5. EVERYTHING IS GOD, FOR GOD IS ALL THERE IS. THEREFORE, I AND YOU MUST BE GOD, TOO. GOD IS YOUR PERSONAL CONCEPTION OF ANYTHING HIGHER.

When I attach a value and a meaning to some event, I am creating a perception.
In other words, it is my choice how to interpret what happened. I will usually interpret an event by seeing it through whatever issues or beliefs I already have going on inside of me.
In other words, how I choose to see something, the perception I have of an event, is not necessarily what is happening, but how I choose to view it.
If I have anger, I will likely interpret what someone says as sounding angry. If I clear myself of internal issues, I can choose to and will be able to interpret "and create" things from a higher vibrational state. Whatever perceptions I have, and then living by those perceptions, determines the reality I will have.

If as a small child, I see my father being angry. My perception of that event is that I am the reason he is angry - if I were a better child he wouldn't be angry. This perception then becomes a part of my life. I have a perception that I am a bad person, and therefore I always perceive that people are angry at me. Or, I relate to others in fear.

If you perceive or make a decision somewhere along the way that you are a "bad" person and responsible for other people's emotions, for making them feel "bad", then you will go through life hating yourself, thinking you are "evil", perhaps without knowing it. You may feel constantly ashamed and guilty. You will continue to create situations where you feel bad about yourself, where you think you have done something wrong. You will, in all likelihood, create your life where things always seem to go wrong, and relationships and life will probably become a fearful thing for you.

And, all of this will change as your perception and understanding of how the universe works becomes clearer - such as the understanding that no one can create the reality of another. And your life will also change when any false perceptions you have about yourself, as well, are made conscious - and you change them.

When you know that you are responsible ONLY for what you believe and what you feel, and when you KNOW that others are responsible only for what they feel and believe, that feelings and beliefs about reality can only come from within, from what each person chooses to believe, there is no longer shame or blame, guilt or self hatred. Then you have the opportunity to believe and create your life in any way you choose - in a good way that works for you. You no longer believe it if others try to blame you, and you no longer blame anyone else for your life. That is being the CREATOR of your life.
You choose consciously, not unconsciously, what you want to believe - you perceive yourself and life and others in a way that is positive and allows life to work harmoniously for you.
If you remain a victim, in victim consciousness, things don't change, because victims never heal. How can they, if they never accept that they are the ones responsible for creating life that way in the first place? You can't change something if you don't think you created it to begin with - or, if you don't believe that you even HAVE the power to create or change anything. Victims remain stuck, thinking it's someone else's fault, and that someone else has the power over their life, to create their life a certain way, instead of themselves.
As soon as I give up 100% responsibility for creating my own reality, as soon as I give up the responsible role, as soon as I think someone is doing something to me, I have become a victim. Other's responses to me are, in reality, only a reflection of my own energy, a reflection of whatever energy I am putting out, or have inside of me.

In other words, if you have a perception that someone is a hurtful person, you must have a belief that you will be hurt. They then just play the role for you that you are expecting. You create what you believe in.

When I come from the lower vibrational state, I will be viewing things as judgments. I will make judgments about myself or about another. The higher vibration is to see whatever happens as a mirror of myself in the Now: "I see you doing that. I want to judge you for it. Instead, I will see that it is a reflection of the energy I either hold in myself, or have held in myself. So, I realize that I do that, or have done that."
I ask myself, "Am I still doing that? Where do I still hold that judgment (which I want to put out on you) about myself - where do I still think that I am not ok?" I identify the judgment I'm making against myself. I ask: "What part of me do I still not love, and therefore I judge it?" Then I look at the other person and think: "I don't need to judge them. They are simply being a mirror of my own issue." I ask: "What in me created that in my reality?" In reality, all of us are really asking for love, which is what we all truly want.
Saying: "What is the mirror to me?" instantly removes the judgment. Then there is no charge. There is only acceptance. Acceptance is the higher vibration. It is above forgiveness, because forgiveness implies that something has been done wrong. Acceptance says all is happening perfectly, as it should. All is perfect.

Whatever is happening enables us to grow, if we look at it from being the Creator, not the victim. If we look at it all as perfect, we immediately move into the energy of Love, Trust, and Peace. Then there is no judgment. If it's complicated, it's not Truth.

Know that if you feel anger or any other unpleasant or uncomfortable emotion, you must carry that energy within you. It isn't because of what someone else did. The situation just reflected what was already there in you. Then you have the opportunity to see what the mirror is for you, to see what you carry within yourself so that you can heal, grow, and change - therefore, seeing your reflection in another or in a situation is a positive and useful thing.

Thought triggers emotion.
See what kind of thoughts you are thinking, and what kind of emotion that creates. Tune into how you feel. Use your 5 senses to ask if something doesn't feel right or comfortable in the way you are responding or feeling. If you don't like the emotion you are feeling, change the thoughts you are thinking. Get a new perspective, in other words. Healing comes from the #3 law - taking responsibility.

The word emotion is a fascinating word.
Look at it this way, allow me to play with this word: E-motion, or ‘Energy, put into motion’. That is what our emotions do. They move energy and bring things into motion, or manifestation. The force behind what we feel is what allows us to create. First we have our thought, or perception. But it is the emotional energy, the fuel, that allows something to get created. "I felt so strongly about that that I had to rush out and do it". Therefore, to create in a positive way, we must generate positive emotions from clear thoughts and perceptions.

Lower vibration: expectation judgment rejection/blames orrow/apologizing
Higher vibration:responding from compassion / observing / acceptance / seeing the mirror

Fear is only a mask of your true desire. You need to find out what your true desire is, and state that desire 100% positively: "I choose to have or create...."

There are 3 universal fears:

1. abandonment
2. not feeling worthy or good enough
3. loss of trust which equals to fear of surrender

Any time there is a fear, it will fall into one or more of these categories. Check out what your fear is about. You will continue to create the same kind of situations, you will keep yourself in judgment, you will reinforce the lower vibrational state of thinking it's someone else's fault, and you will keep yourself in the perception of being victimized, until you get out of the program and have a new perception.

Snapshot

Come talk to me, talk to me...

Come on princess...

Come on, the camera is rolling...

Get that fuckin' thing from me...

Loose that!!... Talk to me... Who are you on this earth?...

God choose, but probably also forgot to do something or did too much?

?????

Two...

Why being part of the problem and not of the solution?

Oh gosh, It could all be so simple!

But you'd rather make it hard, or brittle!

Loving you is like a battle and the constant pokings are making me weak when you need me strong. We both end up with scars, even if we both mended deep wounds, i think.

Tell me, who I have to be?!

No one loves you more than me and, i hope now that i am wrong, no one ever will!

Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way?

Forces you to scream my name then pretend that you can't stay, or that i abandonned you?

Tell me, who I have to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh, if only you could have seen how much i loved you, how much i still do.

The King, The Queen and The Fool

It is early morning, sitting in my couch I think about my good friends going through the Lovers’ game and unfortunately not getting the best out of it.

It reminds me of these moments when I was caught in the middle of the insane game, in the fight of every minutes against the world and myself.

It is amazing how strong you believe that the one you aim at came along when you needed a savior.

Relying on the person, feeling the support and believing that this one savior will pull you through somehow. But we all know that the past is heavy and that because you have been torn apart so many times, you are counting on the other one now.

By doing this you just expose your chest again even if someone already broke your heart.

This very moment will always fascinate me.

It is no rational and goes against anything a normal human being would advise, but then all normal human beings have done it more than once.

Someone already broke your heart, and yet you are going to letthis happen again.

Somebody did break your heart but maybe you need more pain.

So, here you are and all you beg for is not to be left stranded.

You stress and wonder.

All your reality doesn’t worth anything because you hang on the edge of a lie.

But who the hell is lying?

Your previous wounds weren’t as healed as you thought: torn apart, broken hearted all you want is care and kindness. You want someone by your side, because you are cold and lonely.

You want someone to hold you tight and never leave. You are down on your knees and afraid, you hope to have someone supporting you.

You are in Love and you bleed because you don’t know...

That’s the very moment you become monarchy.

You are the King or the Queen of your own sorrows.

In this chess of Love, are you really King/Queen or more the fool?

You are playing but you don’t wanna lose.

It would break your heart, torn you apart.
That’s when you are fully you.

Your soul tries to reach out and jumps out of your skin. This isn’t pain you feel, this is excitement.
This passion burns you, consumes you.

If you don’t act you will torn yourself apart and break someone’s heart.
Because you both are on the edge of the same lie!!!
Because you both are monarchy, I am the fool.
Jut act.

La boucle est bouclee.

Fabas indulcet fames*

I was on an emotional rollercoaster when i was with you, and what i ride it has been!
Trying to be with you, Loving you wasn't healthy.
You were my favorite cake but you weren't good for me.
It was just not natural the way it was, it wasn't right even if you definitely are gathering a lot of the things i am attracted to.
I inquired about who you are and what you really do every day. I decided to know more about you not just listen to who you think you are.
I have just been analyzing, without passion, facts and tried to find out why i was so found of you at some stage.
You are gifted and beautiful that's a fact, and that's the truth. I have always been attracted by gifted women, their glow is honey to me. This is why i kept on flying to your little light and disregarded to window i was bumping into every time.
But, as a person, you haven't reached any state of achievement and your constant struggle with reality, your incapacity to understand some basic principles have made you an insecure woman. This insecurity made me feel guilty and somehow the white knight in me wanted to save you from your fears and show you how great Life is. I wanted to drag you away from your personal hell.

It was also because i was hungry for Love, i was in need of providing Love. I have so much to give, for free!
This hunger made you shinnier to my eyes.

Your little light and my hunger, i have set myself up. This is the reaso why i was so uncomfortable sometimes and the main reason why communicating with you was so difficult.
In a way, you were correct when you said i was in Love with the idea of you.
I am glad you walked away.

You don't even seem to be worth a friend.
Are you capable of being a friend?
Do i really care?

* hunger makes everything taste good

Dreaming and Pretending

It is Sunday morning and for some strange reasons, I am trying to think about my life: probably because I am reaching a couple of anniversary dates.

I have met you and put all the energy I thought was necessary to help things go well, smooth. Spoiling some of my good time just because I thought it would help and improve whatever needed to be improved. But Fame is filled with spoiled children who grow fat on fantasy.
And I guess that's why I'm turning the page, because I’m craving for reality.

The main point that my morning thinking is leading me to, the crucial thing is that there is a difference between dreaming and pretending. I was obviously pretending and trying too hard.

I did not find paradise: My lonely mind was only twinkling reality, searching for what is missing in my Life or what I thought was missing. The big surprise is that I wasn’t expecting that you would be the one doing so much to me. I thought we were good together, I saw us in the mirror of your eyes and I was sure it was good. My Mind was screaming it out loud; My Heart was beating for it. But one’s Heart can hallucinate if it's completely starved for Love.

So what happened? Well, I guess the arrows of Love were turned against me. I was the one grapping then and I have been the one gasping when I used them to cut the last of my heartstring. Surprisingly it opened my eyes, You opened my eyes.

There is a difference between dreaming and pretending. And looking back in the mirror of your eyes I now believe it wasn’t Love but most probably just a reflection of my lonely mind wanting what was missing in my Life. What I thought was missing.

So what is the difference between dreaming and pretending?
Dreaming is a good thing: it helps conceptualizing the first bricks and leads to bring new things to life. Pretending is the worse you could do to yourself as it is purely an ending that perpetuates a lie: you forget what you are and makes you see what your mind yields you too see. I need to grow up. I need to grow up and keep on dreaming. You need to learn to focus and channel your dreams.
I need to trust my ability to understand the difference between the ones you can hold and the ones that you've been sold. So I guess all it was, was pretending.

I am still wishing that I am wrong while going through this morning thinking.
The only thing which could prove me wrong is a sign, a real sign…

I think it was just my wandering mind wanting and wishing that you were what was missing in my Life. The Mind is a beautiful thing, so should my Life be.
I am still smiling when I think about You, the air around me got suddenly thinner because I think about myself lightly.
I am still aspiring for someone to share things with, to talk to. For talking at its best being an inspiration, it wants a corresponding divine quality of receptiveness, and where will you find this but in You?