Cold days seem to hurt the most

Cold days seem to hurt the most and I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go: I see your smile, I see your face and imagine you going ‘brrrrrrrrrr’, warming up your nose with your palm.
I hear you laughing in the rain, still can't believe you’re gone!How could you just loose it?
So simply, so totally?
It is now like a story that had just begun and already finished.
God knows how I sometimes miss you.
All the hell that I've been through!
All the hell you have put me through when you needed support.
Sometimes I wonder who you are today.

Do you enjoy your world?
Will you chase your dreams again?
These dreams you sold cheap, so fuckin’ cheap!
Settle down with a family, another one?
I wonder what you will name your babies!
Some day’s the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you!
And I know it might sound crazy.

Usually after these few minutes, I look around and sight. I look at my world and I embrace it.
Maybe one day I will settle down and have a family but never will I stop chasing my dream: even you couldn’t stop me. And I know it is part of the issue: you are a control freak, because you are unsecure.
When the sky is so blue, as blue as your beautiful eyes, I am happy to realize that I am blessed to have known you, but i am happier not to be your partner anymore.

I still wonder who you ever have been!

life, this wonderful play

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.

Just looking back and checking

Nails scratching wooden surface and eyes red from tears like blood. Torn hair in clenching fist, a guttural scream from the mouth you kissed. Just looking back and checking.

It seems so far away now, just as if it has never been! Somehow it seems much clearer, an eye for a lie in every scene.
I was so lucky on that day, You know: I was almost letting it go!
I was almost making the great leap!!!
When you kissed him, what a lucky turn it was for me!

Things will work out better the second time around.
Because, this is beauty that I will find. I won't settle for less than a beautiful heart.
She will be breathing in my ear, I will be whispering in hers.
What a sound she’ll make!
Compared to this, you are nothing but the dead leaves falling to the ground...
Happy landing, baby.

You mistreated me, never let me be: trying to turn me into who you wanted, wasn’t me!
And the lies you told!
I was too blind to see you, when you were tightening the noose.
To see you, you only wanted me to loose: you control freak.
Constantly unsecured due to your inadequacy: I was so lonely lonely...
It seems so far away now.

Nails sliding on glass walls, and cheeks painful from way too much laughs.
Halo of peacefulness, cheers to the rightful.
Just looking ahead and planning.
Kisses will maybe come later.

Tiger will enjoy the dog, hopes to see monkeys passing by.

Yeah!

I will trust her one day...

Nietzsche wrote: A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.

What he didn't mention is the pain that goes with these trials and therefore if it is worth for oneself to get wiser.
Actually, he even implies that no feelings should be involved as experimenting requires one to be impartial.

I have this capacity of retracting myself from events as they happen, and to analyze them as they come but this state of consciousness (maybe lack of should i type) doesn't last for ever! Only Time heals the wounds and helps mending all the suffering choices are creating.
Hence i have this capacity of sucking in all elements of the so-called experiment but i also suffer more from the pain as it all hot me at once.

Time is my salvation.

Time is a beautiful thing!
It's like when you meet an old lover on the street six years later and they don't look so ugly anymore. I simply wonder if this applies also when you do not find this lover ugly as you see this beloved one walking away. Who do you meet then? Somebody who you now think you have been stupid to let go???

My ex has chosen a path a couple of month ago, and she followed it deep down. She even went to this small track the sun barely reaches, even in autumn. I didn't turn out to be a successful choice for her: she has lost everything she had and has to start everything from scratch now. I am even afraid that she has lost a part of her in this, whereas she use to bloom! She shrinks now, within herself and i cannot help her anymore...
I actually followed to the wood but two roads diverged in this wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
I still have my sanity and my suffering is going away: i keep on moving and my dreams are safe from harm. It is only temporary.

The Passion i had for her is now gone as i have been betrayed too many times and i do not believe anymore in the possibility of an island. But Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops/dies more slowly, and commitment more gradually still. I am now in this state where i look at what happens and i devoted myself to help her out because of all these things which are still linking us, knowing that i cannot (nor wish) fix all the problems.
Once she will geographically be far away, we will gently be diluted away.
She is still the one i look at believing she is amazing but now i also look at her and i realise that she would have brought me to Hell whereas all i want is to fly to heaven. I let myself be brought too close to the gates actually.
I still cannot figure out how such a waste could happen!
It takes two to tango but i'm telling you: it only takes one to fuck up!

Man, Time is a bitch but it helps dying happy obviously!
I will remember her as the Love of my Life!
Hopefully not, hopefully i will be lucky enough to meet another amazing woman.

I hope i will manage to trust her one day...

The friend you became

I have an injunction, don't look surprised!!!!!

Time to get even in this unproved life, time to get some time off.

Questions all over the years I live, it is time for some answers, beware of my drift!!!!!

So, to be true, denial won't work, and there is nothing you can't do.
Life has this inertia.

A feast arises, be glad you're invited and please pass the wine.
Life has these criteria.
So face the issues and swallow that's the little you can do.
I am sooooo sorry for you.

All those worry about all those dreams, and all those nights when I screamed.

Yesterday Life dropped a bomb on me but I didn't act like a fool.
I faced the shockwave and opened my arms wide, my wings spread out, my fingers in a fan.

Come, I'll shelter you, once more. You know i am always here to protect you.

But a true feast arises when you're done, and you're done when prospects are gone.
Pass the wine say I!

Cause when you're down in the mud: dreams won't come, pleasure is gone.

What did you do wrong? Nothing on purpose I guess.
What did I do wrong? Nothing on purpose, I'm sure.
Security is just a game.

Come now, you need to rest and I will then push you to move on.
And I will help you moving on.
I will then get my broken pieces and see how I can glue them back together.

I master this part.

I have an injunction, don't be surprised.
But I am not drifting away, you can rely on me.
Always...
Love is gone, but Hell, nothing is totally dead.
Denial won't work but facing what remains after facing what was lost makes me stronger.
I am a rock but a shelter not one thrown to your face.

Come, it'll be quiet and peaceful, isn't it what you need?

My warmth and Love for you as the friend you became.

Definition of Hell

Man, I hope this will never happen to me.
I hope I will stop Lovong Her and just keep her as my 'Special Friend'.
Fuck, it sounds already twisted...
I think i'm fucked up for good now.
I think it already happened to me.

Lighting a paper match on a marshmallow under water

You can do anything, except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.

I thought this was the exact summary of what I wasn't able to do as if there is a will, there is a way.
But let's face it, my love story proves me wrong.

You cannot experience the most marvelous Love story if the other one isn't able to reach these levels.
Some things I have accepted from Her, things which should have shown that the long term wasn't possible: Proof of Love.

The Proof of Love is the definite sign that Trust doesn't exist or isn't strong. Trust in oneself and also of course in the other one. This nasty bug that would make your partner think or even say ‘I am not good enough’. Never heard this one?

What are all tragedies about? Always about managing to show, or not, this proof: not managing actually. You can lead a horse to the water but you cannot make it Love you, or something like that...

How can you prove you Love? Why on earth, at a certain time, would someone look back and gather facts to try to explain how much Love is around? Explain Love... in 300 words.

I will never have us back, but is the pain worth trying again?
Why not deciding that shallow is good?
Would it help to swim in sha(g)llow water?

Not satisfying, maybe, but easy and comfortable: comfortably numb.
Should it be the choice I make and stick to now?
But then I would have to put a lot of letter between brackets when refering to my partner. Would I only prononce (p)ass(ion) or pass(ion) and (pass)ion would be used when having more scientific talks?
When would I use passion?

Why the fuck couldn't you live it the way it was? You sick or what?

Maybe it isn't so difficult to light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.

Isn't my home where her heart belongs?

She knew how to reach me deep inside, we'd walk and talk and touch tenderly: she found a part of me I could not hide from her only...

We built a love so strong that I thought it could never break, there was not a road we were afraid to roam.
The whole world was starring at us, glowing with this aura of Love... This trail of us passing by, still remembered by many.

We'd kiss all the way from Sydney to Paris cause in each other's arms we were home sweet home.

But she doesn't feel the same, and even if she does, she has given herself away for a dream that I hope will never turn into a nightmare.

Home isn't where her heart is anymore.

And she may still come home, but I live here alone…
And she may still come to her home, but I live in mine alone…
Home sweet home, Home sweet home…

My home isn't where her heart is anymore??????

Can i have us back?

If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

I wonder of this thought should apply to a failed Love story.
Can a love story be a failure or is it just a story without the ending you were expecting?
Can I go back in time and have us back?

Can I?

And, if i cannot, how can i destroy all evidence that i ever tried?

Because i sucedeed to be madly in Love, and i do not know how to destroy this Love...

Can i have us back?

So, just take this bear for a beer in a bar.

Some folks say there are no bears in this city, and some folks never seen a bear at all!
Some folks got a bear across the hall and some folks say that bears go around eating babies!
But we all know it is wrong: bears only have rabbits as best friends and they gather to cheer up sad donkeys together with jumpy tigers!!!

Some folks say that bears go around smelling bad while others say that a bear is honey sweet...
Some folks say this bear's the best I ever had, whatever they mean...
Some folks drive the bears out of the wilderness and some would even pay a fee just to see a one!
Me I just bear up to bewildered best.
Some folks even see the bear in me!

So meet a bear and take him out to dinner. And even though your friends might stop and stare, just remember that there's a bear with you and they just don't come no better than a bear!

Some folks say that bears go around eating babies, but you now know that bears only want kisses, on your sweet lips while fishing for a glimpse of interest in your sweet eyes.

So, just take this bear for a beer in a bar.
It will gear up for a dance and for sure the tiger, the donkey and the pig will come across...
Just make sure you will softly blow kisses away...

A book from this Woman

That picture hangin' on the wall was taken by a friend.

He gave it to me when he owed me ten but now it doesn't look like much I guess.

But it's all that's left of him.

Why don’t you step in Babe?

I'll cook a meal, I'll tell you about where I've been. It will not take too long, then, I'll show you all the things I own. My treasures you might say, not worth much …
But they brighten up my day.

There, here's a book I got, from this Woman I thought I knew. I guess I read it front to back, fifty times or so. It's all about the good life, and staying at ease with the World.

It's funny how I love that book, and I how much I loved that girl.
It’s funny how I love that book and how I don’t care about Her anymore.

Hold this piece of glass up to the light from the spotlight here, in the kitchen.

It's a prism glass I found on the road, back home. Can you see that little rainbow??? Well it's not really a prism I guess it just broke in a funny way when I was on my way here.

I call it ‘My Heart’ because mine also broke when I found out I would not make it here with her since she was heading somewhere else with somebody else.

I chipped my glass heart when the fleshy one stopped beating.

I keep it as a reminder…

Well that's about all I own, and all I care to I guess. Except these sunglasses, that funny yellow vest and my father’s leather jacket.

Take away the miseries and you take away some folks’ reason for living.

This is an observation I was making to myself yesterday.
I was looking at the panorama through the glass window of the train bringing me back to the capital. I was enjoying the sweet smell of the perfume the woman beside me was wearing. Freshly showered and pampered, I was imagining her on her way to meet this special person, maybe getting excited as the train was wolfing the kilometers.
I was remembering how I used to feel when I was walking to the places where I was supposed to meet my angel, how excited and out of breath I was when finally seeing her. The burst of joy when touching her skin, and the lust that was coming with.
Then I told my colleague, also beside me but on the other side, that it was a really nice feeling to sense the joy she was filled up with.
He only told me that perfume as heavy as this give him allergies and sometimes even asthma.
The lovely lady was starting to smile, giggle and as she grabbed the mirror from her bag, to check on her make up, he started to tell me all about his allergies and how difficult his life is.

She was gently brushing her hair, now dryer, still smiling. She then checked on her lipstick and stopped smiling: the lipstick went sliding on the lower lip and onto the other on. She evened out both lips and bit a piece of cloth. After double-checking, she looked at me and gave me a big smile.
My colleague was now complaining about how horrible it is to age and how horrible it will be if ever his wife dies before him…

I looked again at this woman in love, thought about happiness, and smiled back at this sixty years old person…

Poets don't go mad

Poets do not go mad, but chess players do. Mathematicians do go mad, and cashiers as well, but creative artists very seldom. I am not attacking logic; I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not imagination.

I took a long break from writing and got back into my old habit of introspecting and observing people. I have been also monitoring myself in different situation, and I found out that I am now able to step out from situation and become an observer of my own life.

A great talk with a monk over the weekend taught me that this is one of the meditating techniques they use, and it made me wonder a lot. Am I changing myself so much that I start to relate more to monks than to my old fellows?
Puzzled with this discovery, I went back home and looked at the music I am listening to at the moment, and it is indeed more related to chilling out and thinking than the mind blowing punk-funk shit one can listen to on TV. Am I doing something to myself??

I also went out, a lot actually, and happily came back: there isn’t just a monk in me, there is certainly still this passion that’s burning. And I haven’t forgotten my monkey, whatever I try to do, she is still comes back directly or indirectly.

I still fell her smooth skin on the tips of my fingers, and the softness of her hair still makes me shiver. She wasn’t in any of the places I went to, but of course I had to bump into someone who knows her, this little angle, and we got to speak about her. I got to realize that I was still drawn…

I know it won’t be possible, and I know I should be rational about this. But I don’t want to kill this sweet pain, that’s part of being human: longing for something…

I swim faster and better.
I have this devil that I am afraid to release, but it is seriously banging at the doors…
My wings are ready,
I never realized that I am a cool person,
Why not spreading the wings and the news????

I have kept my sanity, my heart and ability to Love.
I haven’t changed my values; Life hasn’t altered my goals and references.
Man, I hope you too are feeling great.

Wings of Redemption

The man who feels himself solitary is the most readily disposed and most readily fitted for the self-reflection; that is the man who by nature or destiny or both is alone with himself and his problematic, and who succeeds, in this blank solitude, in meeting himself, in discovering man in his own self, and the human problematic in his own.

This man is I as I grow up within my ‘singleness’, learning from my fall but opening up to the marvelous possibilities that the world unleashes before my eyes.
I have spoken to a lot of people and heaps of couple about Love, or about not finding it. Or worse, having it while the other spoils it…

I have this example of a great man, who like me (even if the adjective doesn’t apply to me), met his girlfriend in an environment where it was more than unexpected to meet a match. Easy women or even cheap whores all around, the rule of supply and demand applying for the love scene as well, it wasn’t obvious that he would go for a western woman. Isn’t it in the human nature to look for comfort But hey, the courting game went well, and as she was meeting him every week-end he was dreaming about her all week long. And the things went well…
He left his life and job to follow her when she got a great opportunity abroad. It is important to have priority one should say, and being with the one you love is one of them. I did change my life for hers too…
Three years went by, and they kept on moving places together: he learnt a new job within the same field as hers to be able to follow her as she was climbing the ladder getting to the highest ranks of the hierarchy, as she was screwing with her boss…
He found out lately and moved back to where he was originally from, poisoned by the things she was saying while she was fucking around with their common life.
So much for faithfulness…
He will need time to reconsider any kind of emotional commitiment, I even feel that I will not make NEW friends before a long time.

I have moved on enough now, and I will not get into this stupid cliché about women always cheating on their partners, as it is not true. But I have also moved on with my concept of the couple, and I think I have found my way.

Fact: it is always when something is forbidden that it gets more appealing.
Fact: if all things are possible, then it is a choice made only by reference to one self values and not by other kind of psychological pressure.

I am not jealous by nature, I actually think that I am too trustful to be able to really grasp the concept of being jealous. Maybe too dumb or with way to much ego also… (Note to myself: get an answer to this last point).
So instead of trying to remain in a world where my life doesn’t intersect with the life of another soul, but hopefully parallels hers at least; I have decided to look at my natural point of view on things and apply them. I will not observe my hopes and fears as I try to remain sane in a world from which I feel increasingly excluded due to a lack of compliance with accepted rites and standards.
I am devoting myself to my true nature and I am going to keep on improving myself and help my tribe to get better and better. I am choosing my style over the imposed stupid social standards…

There, I have set my way and I am definitely starting to brush my wings.
I am back to my strong self.

Has fate something to do with what will happen? I doubt it.
When has fate ever been kind?
I had a nice talk with an angel last night, as a member of my tribe was going through a tough time.
I had a difficult talk with the latter as the angel was twirling on a different ground.
I saw a smile appearing on the face of my tribe mate, I listened to my angel telling me about her encounter with the sleazy man and laughed about it with her.

I am here and I am standing.
You can rely on me because I have supported myself and I took me out of the shit hole I let myself fall into.

Let’s make it to the next level now…

A bit(e) on Religions

That cross you wear around your neck, is it only a decoration, or are you a TRUE Christian believer?

Yes, I believe - TRULY.

Then I want you to remove it at once- and never to wear it again!
Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear?
Her eyes are sewn shut. Blinded temporarily she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with crosses.
You had me take off my cross because it offended....
It offended no-one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No - it simply appears to me to be discourteous to... to wear the symbol of a deity long dead.
Our ancestors tried to find IT. They fought for IT, killed for IT and to open the door that separates us from our Creator.
But you need no doors to find God.
If you believe....
Believe?! If you believe you are...gullible.
Can you look around this world and believe in the goodness of a God who rules it?

Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death! THEY rule this world!!!!
There is also Love and Life and Hope.
Very little Hope I assure you.

No. If a God of Love and Life ever did exist...
IT is long since dead.
Someone...Something rules in His place.

The Big Mistake

The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten.

LOVE

LOVE, n.
A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages.


This morning, I woke up in a daze.

I was surfing under the full moon two nights ago and last night i had a bbq on the rooftop of a building.
After a really fun evening, I sat home and I started thinking about how better the evening could have been. I started to imagine how much better it would have been with Her by my side. And I realize that I was just setting myself up! I am trying to make myself sad! But i am not wanting Her anymore! She has refused it all, let it be!
I realize that it could not have been any better, because She isn’t the one who I would like to have beside me! Maybe the evening could have been better if I had somebody who makes me blush every time I get a glimpse of her, trying to focus on the conversation I’m having, as my mind goes wandering…
But this person isn’t around and the one I thought were, didn’t decide to step into my world and it is just a fact: no hard feelings about it anymore either.
It is clear that I have stopped turning my head and look back at what happened before, winging.
One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.
This is a real fact also, and everyone I met has this tendency: procrastination and angst!!! That’s what is blowing up this inner candle, not the harm caused by the events themselves.

But to revive this flame, worse case scenario, one should learn to give again. When you give yourself, you receive more than you give and that’s what is bringing your spirit up!!!! I now look at the World as a provider of good events and my energy is multiplied by a thousand. I have met great people last night, and I spoke about karma. I actually listened to a yogi talking about karma, and explaining how is chakras are opening (it was sounding a bit erotic sometimes, I wonder if he has hard ons when he reaches the state he was describing)… I will have my first yoga lesson on Thursday…

I have forgiven, I keep on repeating it but I want to make sure I am not fooling myself. I am the easiest one who I can fool sometimes.
I have reached forgiveness this answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.

I am definitely soaking up my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will I share it with someone one day?
It is not a concern, and if She passes by and sees me then we will dance.
My fingers are still spread out in a fan, and I am accepting You to touch them but if and only if You can stare at my eyes and accept the flame You'll see.
You will then be mine and the World will be our playground because I will share it with You…

Until then, I will keep on being free: my only freedom, the one of my mind.

You and hide

In my flat, facing the glass window, warmth from outside licking my cheeks.

I can see through the buildings, all is quiet and remain unchanged. Up through the buildings and in different skies, it's heavy with silence: like You&I now.
Why did we make each other cry?
Why did we do that when we both know we loved each other so. Yes we both knew.
From my flat, the stars look so dull and dark. I am comfortably numb but I want to wake up. Tonight I feel alone. I am remembering every fight, when we were loosing bits of You&I each time.
Oh baby, I wish you could have heard me, and feel how much I loved you. I never wanted to fight with you, just wanted to make things right for you, for us... Cause I care about You.
Up from my flat, I can't see much...
The shrapnel from our explosive break up are still deep in my heart, I am still licking my wounds. Bleeding heart over pictures of You&I...
Evaluating the waste, evaluating the damages.
Evaluating what we were, You&I.
You&I no more, no more!
We now are You, & I am gone.

A man of Passions

Passion is an amazing thing, to which I surrender myself. I am usually described as an even-tempered man, actually more often told that I am way too cold with people…
The most wonderful of all things in Life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy (even as the number of years together increases). This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. If I have the feeling that a woman can fulfil my every seconds from the moment I meet her, I explode!
When the habitually even-tempered suddenly fly into a passion, that explosion is apt to be more impressive than the outburst of the most violent amongst us: I do scare people because of that. I cannot just like or dislike something/someone. I Love or I hate but I do not waste my time nor my feelings.
Having said that, I have this chance to be able to keep my clarity of mind in almost all situations: when I loose it, it is never for long, and I patch any mistakes I made as a first priority when back on earth. In fact, for me clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.
Have you ever had this feeling to know that it is not a fling but a great story you are starting? I had this feeling, but it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?

So, Passion… Ah Passion…
This outburst of feeling that fills you up in a blink of an eye, and consumes you!!
Not being around or hearing about the other one is intolerable! All of a sudden you are not on Earth but at the gates of the purgatory, already suffering.
Every second spent away just increases the urges to get closer, stare, touch, kiss and embrace…
This absence is pure cruelty, a torture of the mind and soreness to the heart: Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out a candle, and blows in a fire.
But when Passion is driving your soul, your perception of the World changes totally. I remember this dress she was wearing, oh not a gorgeous dress at all, but I also remember the aura surrounding her, this warmth and how extremely fast my heart was beating: Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it!!!

Then, some say Passion disappears. I say it’s bullshit!
I am passionate for my woman every second, every fucking second my heart leaps when I think about her. During my longest relationship, I have passionately loved my partner every fucking second given to me. I have made love to her with my eyes, my brain and my body. Then, even full of deception and understanding that this story was getting nowhere cause she was also seeing somebody else, I have been passionate, joylessly passionate. Such a sin…
The worst sin - perhaps the only sin - passion can commit, is to be joyless.

I am a man of passions, look at me when I roar! Look at me, wings spread out!
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

Here is my hand, spreading my fingers out in a fan.
Come on, relax and do the same.
Have your thumb touching mine, all fingers connecting. Feel me and look at me in the eyes. I miss your lips, your comfy lips.