Yeah, i guess i needed to write this down somewhere but didn't wish to stir up my princess' feelings and head/heart more: i decided to write it here.
Waking up one morning, after a long and fulfilling night of good thinking, it became clear that i was the catalyzer, i was not of any help at all. Exisitng was what was making her pain deeper when i was physically away from her: as she was left alone and let her mind take control she was suffering so much. All her fears and worst thoughts would take control and she would suffer!!!!
I had given nothing or taken away nothing away from her from the day i met her til the day i left her; nothing but me.
During that night I figured out that demons enter the mind when we resist them. The stronger our effort to fortify ourselves against temptation or any other kind of alikes, the stronger the temptation has us in its grip: the fact that i existed was already too much and just helped her demons get wilder and stronger into her mind.
She was totally trapped by her clinging and cravings.
Her mind was and still is probably like a runaway coach and the driver never stops whipping the horses.
Many scriptures and books assure us that this physical world is a mask, and yet the mask isn't physical. It's made of illusion, and illusion is created by the mind. Do you understand? What the mind has created, only the mind can undo. It was necessary to help this hug task to take place, since she said she wanted this to happen.
But she has to get rid and over these illusions by seeing reality as it is. This could never be achieved when at the center of a chaos. Since she couldn't remove herself from this suffering and see what we had, i had to do it. Maybe this will help her in her quest for her true self, as she calls it, since she believes in separate selves.
I wish someone could tell her what i have come to see: you that you can be whole, but only if you see yourself this way. There is no holy life. There is no war between good and evil. There is no sin and no redemption. None of these things matter to the true you. But they all matter hugely to the false you, the one who believes in the separate self. You have tried to take your separate self, with all its loneliness and anxiety and pride, on the path of and to the door of enlightment. But it will maybe walk the path but never go through cause it is a ghost.
You know princess, I can see that you are at war inside. You must believe that you will never win. No one has never won the war. Good opposes evil the way the summer sun opposes winter cold, the way light opposes darkness. They are built into the eternal scheme of Nature. This is pretty easy to accept as a concept and a way of being.
So, there is no point to try to conquer evil or embrace good: can you do that with the summer sun or the winter cold? Just detach yourself from both.
It isn't difficult. Actually, once you admitted to yourself that you would never become completely good or free of sin, something changes inside. You are no longer distracted by the war; and your attention can go somewhere else: that when you start reaching yourself. You are not a warrior. You are not a prisoner of desire, well you are at the moment. Those things come and go.
Just ask yourself: who is watching the war? Who do i return to when the pain is over, or when the pleasure is over? Who is content simply to be? You too have felt the peace of simply being. Wake up to that!
Break free and just let this amazing person you have trapped inside walk free and tall.
I love you and only wishes for your happiness, i had to disappear in order to allow your mind to calm down: focusing on what a wanker i am is better than all this pain you had to deal with. This would allow her to maybe find what really matters: who she really is and maybe even get her to love herself!
this will give her a chance not to vanquish the demons but to find a place already safe from them.
I am sad to have to cut myself from such a beautiful soul to be, but i had to detach myself from this story which was turning way too painful for you as i couldn't help you: you can't save people from themselves. I know you understand...
So i had to leave you...
We live only once, at a time, so here is the chance to make this great!
All the best my princess, my love!
