The King, The Queen and The Fool

It is early morning, sitting in my couch I think about my good friends going through the Lovers’ game and unfortunately not getting the best out of it.

It reminds me of these moments when I was caught in the middle of the insane game, in the fight of every minutes against the world and myself.

It is amazing how strong you believe that the one you aim at came along when you needed a savior.

Relying on the person, feeling the support and believing that this one savior will pull you through somehow. But we all know that the past is heavy and that because you have been torn apart so many times, you are counting on the other one now.

By doing this you just expose your chest again even if someone already broke your heart.

This very moment will always fascinate me.

It is no rational and goes against anything a normal human being would advise, but then all normal human beings have done it more than once.

Someone already broke your heart, and yet you are going to letthis happen again.

Somebody did break your heart but maybe you need more pain.

So, here you are and all you beg for is not to be left stranded.

You stress and wonder.

All your reality doesn’t worth anything because you hang on the edge of a lie.

But who the hell is lying?

Your previous wounds weren’t as healed as you thought: torn apart, broken hearted all you want is care and kindness. You want someone by your side, because you are cold and lonely.

You want someone to hold you tight and never leave. You are down on your knees and afraid, you hope to have someone supporting you.

You are in Love and you bleed because you don’t know...

That’s the very moment you become monarchy.

You are the King or the Queen of your own sorrows.

In this chess of Love, are you really King/Queen or more the fool?

You are playing but you don’t wanna lose.

It would break your heart, torn you apart.
That’s when you are fully you.

Your soul tries to reach out and jumps out of your skin. This isn’t pain you feel, this is excitement.
This passion burns you, consumes you.

If you don’t act you will torn yourself apart and break someone’s heart.
Because you both are on the edge of the same lie!!!
Because you both are monarchy, I am the fool.
Jut act.

La boucle est bouclee.

Fabas indulcet fames*

I was on an emotional rollercoaster when i was with you, and what i ride it has been!
Trying to be with you, Loving you wasn't healthy.
You were my favorite cake but you weren't good for me.
It was just not natural the way it was, it wasn't right even if you definitely are gathering a lot of the things i am attracted to.
I inquired about who you are and what you really do every day. I decided to know more about you not just listen to who you think you are.
I have just been analyzing, without passion, facts and tried to find out why i was so found of you at some stage.
You are gifted and beautiful that's a fact, and that's the truth. I have always been attracted by gifted women, their glow is honey to me. This is why i kept on flying to your little light and disregarded to window i was bumping into every time.
But, as a person, you haven't reached any state of achievement and your constant struggle with reality, your incapacity to understand some basic principles have made you an insecure woman. This insecurity made me feel guilty and somehow the white knight in me wanted to save you from your fears and show you how great Life is. I wanted to drag you away from your personal hell.

It was also because i was hungry for Love, i was in need of providing Love. I have so much to give, for free!
This hunger made you shinnier to my eyes.

Your little light and my hunger, i have set myself up. This is the reaso why i was so uncomfortable sometimes and the main reason why communicating with you was so difficult.
In a way, you were correct when you said i was in Love with the idea of you.
I am glad you walked away.

You don't even seem to be worth a friend.
Are you capable of being a friend?
Do i really care?

* hunger makes everything taste good

Dreaming and Pretending

It is Sunday morning and for some strange reasons, I am trying to think about my life: probably because I am reaching a couple of anniversary dates.

I have met you and put all the energy I thought was necessary to help things go well, smooth. Spoiling some of my good time just because I thought it would help and improve whatever needed to be improved. But Fame is filled with spoiled children who grow fat on fantasy.
And I guess that's why I'm turning the page, because I’m craving for reality.

The main point that my morning thinking is leading me to, the crucial thing is that there is a difference between dreaming and pretending. I was obviously pretending and trying too hard.

I did not find paradise: My lonely mind was only twinkling reality, searching for what is missing in my Life or what I thought was missing. The big surprise is that I wasn’t expecting that you would be the one doing so much to me. I thought we were good together, I saw us in the mirror of your eyes and I was sure it was good. My Mind was screaming it out loud; My Heart was beating for it. But one’s Heart can hallucinate if it's completely starved for Love.

So what happened? Well, I guess the arrows of Love were turned against me. I was the one grapping then and I have been the one gasping when I used them to cut the last of my heartstring. Surprisingly it opened my eyes, You opened my eyes.

There is a difference between dreaming and pretending. And looking back in the mirror of your eyes I now believe it wasn’t Love but most probably just a reflection of my lonely mind wanting what was missing in my Life. What I thought was missing.

So what is the difference between dreaming and pretending?
Dreaming is a good thing: it helps conceptualizing the first bricks and leads to bring new things to life. Pretending is the worse you could do to yourself as it is purely an ending that perpetuates a lie: you forget what you are and makes you see what your mind yields you too see. I need to grow up. I need to grow up and keep on dreaming. You need to learn to focus and channel your dreams.
I need to trust my ability to understand the difference between the ones you can hold and the ones that you've been sold. So I guess all it was, was pretending.

I am still wishing that I am wrong while going through this morning thinking.
The only thing which could prove me wrong is a sign, a real sign…

I think it was just my wandering mind wanting and wishing that you were what was missing in my Life. The Mind is a beautiful thing, so should my Life be.
I am still smiling when I think about You, the air around me got suddenly thinner because I think about myself lightly.
I am still aspiring for someone to share things with, to talk to. For talking at its best being an inspiration, it wants a corresponding divine quality of receptiveness, and where will you find this but in You?

AGNOSCO VETERIS VESTIGIA FLAMMAE

e-Relationship

What is this?
It is an illusion i guess, that's true.
It is 4 days of touch, sharing, contact, holding, looking, smelling: 4 days of intense moments with planning of days to come.
'Everyday is a new day' i said, 'i'll be like this everyday for you, my princess'.
But hey, ghosts are chasing and walls building up really fast...
It isn't my job to chase ghosts in your head, your heart, i am a white knight but this is your fight.
Men have been trying a lot of tricks to get you, haven't they?

I am who you see, who you touch, smell and who you talk to.
Don't put words into my mouth, just get kisses and words from it.
Don't put intentions on my act, just look at them with attention.

Trust us and see complicity apearing.

e-relationship is fast but unfortunately, there isn't an e-heart nor an e-brain...

Fuck, this soooooo fucked up.

The idea of you and the air I carry around.

I believe that uncertainty is really my spirit’s way of whispering, “I’m in flux, I can’t decide for you. Something is off balance".
This uncertainty is the fuel to all my feelings and, unfortunately also the reason why i never know if I should speak about them, nor share them.
It is obvious that a lack of communication is as bad as total openness, unfortunately I do not sense up to what level I can go.
Talking about feelings is easy, sharing them or unveiling them is difficult.

The Idea I had of you was, clearly, not different from who you seem to be.
The air I carry around leads, unfortunately, people to picture me as a totally different man and you are one of them.
The Idea I had of you is still making me smile, I will keep on smiling regardless.
The air I carry around is still creating damages as it yields people that I am not who I seem to be: there would be, they believe, another man hiding.

MisterWing would be closer to Doctor Jeckyll and Mister Hyde than to himself?

You cannot change people mind, nor should you try as that would be manipulation. The only thing you can do is open your heart and mind for them to look into you and make up their own mind. By doing so, I am also putting myself in grave danger as I remove all protective layers and expose my core, Me. Sincerity is something that people are not used to and when they sense something like this is happening they refuse to believe and start elaborating theories, they speak about lies… They feel betrayed, used and trapped.
Without trying to manipulate ones mind, I am facing a bigger problem as I can only put facts in front of passionate accusations. How could bare facts and acts beat deeply engrained feelings of betrayal? What should I do to make people understand that I am who they see, should this be a concern? Well, actually, it is not:

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying?
If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?
I do not worry, I am just being myself.

The animosity I encounter in this kind of situation isn’t a problem as I understand where it is coming from. Just time can prove that there isn’t an underlying layer.
I will keep on living my seconds the same way. I am weighting all my acts using the three major pillars I rely on: Strength, Intelligence and Beauty.
I will keep on improving myself, strolling through the days.
It doesn’t matter what is the air you breath.

The air I carry around is a burden but thinking about You makes me smile, still.

Broken...

And luckily it isn't my right hand!

Socially Inadequate ??????

Last night, after a pretty good workout and a fantastic warm shower, as I was using a fluffy towel all over me I had a thought, well one thought that I still have in mind now.

I was in a room full of naked men, some of them being openly gay and looking at other males’ attribute, I was feeling less uneasy that when I am in a room full of clothed people!

Is it because I know I wouldn’t talk to any of the guys or just because I am less body shy that socially inadequate? The expression is now in the air.

I got to think about this one as it really summarizes one thing I am wondering about now:

Am I socially inadequate?

When it comes to writing and expressing myself to people I know or sort of know, I have no problem communicating. But if, like it happens in real life all the time, I meet someone I have never seen before I sort of tend not to get in contact and most probably act as if I am not friendly at all. For example, I have managed in the near past to walk out of a club where I went on my own and stayed for four hours without talking to anyone! And without having anyone trying to talk to me either!

On my way back home, in the cab, I asked myself:

Dude, are you socially inadequate or what? Or what?

It is rather funny as, during dinners, I am not the one in the corner just listening to the others. I usually am quiet and i usually get started when one thing triggers me. Then, I do not stop if i enjoy the crowd.
Isn't it being socially adequate?

But then again, i wouldn't talk to someone if i haven't been introduced.
Picture this: I could go to a BBQ and not talk to anyone if i haven't been introduced!
Isn't it being socially inadequate?

Or what?

Well, at least one person loves me!

Happy, happy birthday, my ever dearest (blip, censured)!

The warmest and greatest wishes for a very wonderful guy.... I want to wish you ALL the best, love, success, happiness, good fortune and good health not only today but always... May all your wishes come true...

And never forget that your are the hell of a sexy man: intellectually sexy of course...

I also want to take this opportunity to say some things....

First, THANK YOU for everything. You've been such a great friend from the very first day we met. And i really do appreciate you, your friendship and your kindness. Thank you for always being there for me. For accepting me, my good and not-so-good part. For all your time talking to me and reading my messages (eventhough, i just keep on repeating same things). For everything, thank you so much.... I want you to know that i'm always here for you and nobody and nothing can ever change my love for you... I love you so much (blip, censured) and you are very dear to me... You are one of those people whom i will cherich and treasure for the rest of my life. You are such a great person and i'm really thankful, grateful and proud for having you....

Just stay happy and keep on enjoying life... I love you and i terribly miss you, my dear friend... Take good care of yourself always, sweetheart.. God bless... mwaaah

I have been taking care of my mind and body

Man,
one year ago, almost, my best friend told me something that struck me.
We were walking in the parking lot of my former company, and heading to the car, he was behind me. With all the bluntness he is capable of, he only told me: 'man, you got fat. Your butt got pretty big.' That's one of the things i LOVE about this man, that's his free speech and i am not being sarcastic.

So, i have been taking care of my mind and body since then. I have 5 kilos to go but they will still be around when i'll turn 32 years old. So, i postpone a wee bit for these bastards!

Exercise alone provides psychological and physical benefits. However, if you also adopt a strategy that engages your mind while you exercise, you can get a whole host of psychological benefits fairly quickly.

Trust me

Love, that’s when someone's body superseeds the whole universe

At first, there was this play which title isn’t important.

I am sure I didn’t understand it all anyway. The only thing I understood was the movement of your legs, on stage. I never realized before how gorgeously shaped these were. Maybe because it was the first time I was staring at you from a first row seat, you wearing a short skirt.

With a short skirt, one can see the full length of the legs but it is always difficult to tell how beautiful these are, still discombobulated.
I wasn’t feeling like you were on stage and I was seating first row.

I was feeling like you were over me, all over me.
We were not touching, physically out of reach, but your body was stifling me.
It was even more real than the building and the whole crowd behind me.

Your body was filling up the whole space as if it was sunlight, rain, snow and wind.
Love, that’s when someone's body superseeds the whole universe.
It blocks the horizon and, as open horizon is a menacing sight, we relax.
What we are looking for in Love, is relief because we all suffer: i was relieves to feel my stress building up, stiffening up.

Then, our first kiss in the club, our first kiss for the second time, our second first kiss and the ten other thousand clubbers instantanetly vanished.
Lovers are like mass serial killers: they wipe out thousand of people in a blink.
When you kiss, that's the only moment when time, like a murderer disturbed by the police, freezes.

Mouth is where one’s Mind resides and that’s why the tongue, handling talks, and teeth, handling food, are there: because one’s Mind chats and gluttons. It is also where self and integrity lay siege.
Lips are as sweet as the ability to choose.
When they open up, spreading apart, it is always at night because we close our eyes.
Lovers are like blind invaders.
I never understood people kissing eyes wide open, especially for the first or second first kiss. Eyes are so close to each other that, in all cases, there is nothing to be seen unless your eyes are at the tip of the tongue!

It is hard for me to believe that you were not even born when I was the leader of a bloody kindergarten gang , raiding girls and making sure they would cry.
You were not even a concept!
One of the amazing things granted to mankind only, distinguishing us from animals, is this ability to desire older, younger or same sex beings.

I love this temporal surface between us: it is like a snowboard slope onto which my desire freecarves.

Hear the snow,

feel me shiver.

Enjoying life is never remembering that you already had a bite.
What can be better than looking at someone living to the fullest when you already had your feast? How much better can you understand these smiles and embrace this happiness?

Then, there was this part of the evening when we got apart: you were then the center of attention, superb arabian princess.
That’s when I realized I was still sooooo fuckin’ drawn.

I came back home singing, full of you: the city was buzzing and smiling away. I was roaring.

I hailed a cab for the last remaining 500 meters: I didn’t know where I was anymore.

The following day, I was hovering above the ground because you had stolen my heavy heart.

In my mouth, I had yours.

Since, I’m feeling like you are inside me, all over but also inside everyone I am not talking to about you.

My birthday soon!

BIRTH, n.
The first and direst of all disasters.
As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity:
Castor and Pollux were born from the egg.
Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone.
Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water.
It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
Wondering how my birth will be described during my eulogy...

Lemme to Murphy's law

Laundry Math:
1 Washer + 1 Dryer + 2 Socks = 1 Sock

I said on March 16th that i would start posting stupid things, well, i guess i wasn't lying...

Fuck, how dark is the side of the moon?

Believe it or not, i had a monumental idea this morning...
But i didn't like it!

LOL!

Ah, angels...

Fuck, where the hell are my wings?

Hum, heard them flapping somewhere!
Yes, yes, close by!

Ok, i'm getting onto this from now on.
Been procrastinating for long now, let's get outside and see how bright is the dark side of the moon!

Post of no interest, for sure, but hey that's why it is probably the most important!!!!!!!!


How wrong am i?

Flap, flap... Flaping away...

Freedom, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Freedom!

I think I will never hear from her again

I think I will never hear from her again.
I had to reply to her last email, and tell her exactly what reality was and how different it is from what she says…
I have been factual and just listed all the lies she told me, with proof attached.
I think I will never hear from her again.
That was a tough one, really tough one.
But, hey, it got a lot of pressure away from my chest.
I hope she will be happy one day, I sincerely hope so.
I think I will never hear from her again.

But if I do, man, I am sure she’ll be super nasty!

Cold days seem to hurt the most

Cold days seem to hurt the most and I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go: I see your smile, I see your face and imagine you going ‘brrrrrrrrrr’, warming up your nose with your palm.
I hear you laughing in the rain, still can't believe you’re gone!How could you just loose it?
So simply, so totally?
It is now like a story that had just begun and already finished.
God knows how I sometimes miss you.
All the hell that I've been through!
All the hell you have put me through when you needed support.
Sometimes I wonder who you are today.

Do you enjoy your world?
Will you chase your dreams again?
These dreams you sold cheap, so fuckin’ cheap!
Settle down with a family, another one?
I wonder what you will name your babies!
Some day’s the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you!
And I know it might sound crazy.

Usually after these few minutes, I look around and sight. I look at my world and I embrace it.
Maybe one day I will settle down and have a family but never will I stop chasing my dream: even you couldn’t stop me. And I know it is part of the issue: you are a control freak, because you are unsecure.
When the sky is so blue, as blue as your beautiful eyes, I am happy to realize that I am blessed to have known you, but i am happier not to be your partner anymore.

I still wonder who you ever have been!

life, this wonderful play

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.

Just looking back and checking

Nails scratching wooden surface and eyes red from tears like blood. Torn hair in clenching fist, a guttural scream from the mouth you kissed. Just looking back and checking.

It seems so far away now, just as if it has never been! Somehow it seems much clearer, an eye for a lie in every scene.
I was so lucky on that day, You know: I was almost letting it go!
I was almost making the great leap!!!
When you kissed him, what a lucky turn it was for me!

Things will work out better the second time around.
Because, this is beauty that I will find. I won't settle for less than a beautiful heart.
She will be breathing in my ear, I will be whispering in hers.
What a sound she’ll make!
Compared to this, you are nothing but the dead leaves falling to the ground...
Happy landing, baby.

You mistreated me, never let me be: trying to turn me into who you wanted, wasn’t me!
And the lies you told!
I was too blind to see you, when you were tightening the noose.
To see you, you only wanted me to loose: you control freak.
Constantly unsecured due to your inadequacy: I was so lonely lonely...
It seems so far away now.

Nails sliding on glass walls, and cheeks painful from way too much laughs.
Halo of peacefulness, cheers to the rightful.
Just looking ahead and planning.
Kisses will maybe come later.

Tiger will enjoy the dog, hopes to see monkeys passing by.

Yeah!