An angel flies away...

My life is brilliant and my love is pure.

I saw an angel. That's for sure.

She smiled at me with a thousand smiles, and she was bound somewhere far.

But I won't lose no sleep on that, because I've got a plan.

You know: You're gorgeous, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded bar, and I don't know what to do.

What a fuckin’ great plan! Yeah, she caught my eyes, as we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was fuckin’ high!

We shared moments that will last till the end.

And I don't think that I'll see her again.

But what I think isn’t the Truth, hope I’m fuckin’ wrong...

I will not sit and wait in vain, which would be a waste of the great things we felt.

You know: You're beautiful, yes it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do, what a fuckin' great plan! Yeah!!!!

There must be an angel with a smile on her face.

There must be a thousand of angels with smiles on her face.

Where the fuck is my angel, where's my smile fuckin’ gone?

Hey, what would you do if you had to close a chapter of your life an ocean away from where you live.

Hey, what would you do if after closing this painful chapter you would need to choose where the next will happen, and you were willing to keep all options open?

Well, you would probably make sure that no strings attach you anywhere, wouldn't you?

And if on top of that you wouldn't want to loose face? Well, you would jump on any opportunity and use it, whatever it takes: even twisting reality or lying!

I say that it is my understanding...

And i understand cause i would probably act the same way, but more directly...

Beautiful sadness...

I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

I kept thinking about the ‘swimmer in us’ concept thing…
I came to realize that I forgot about one category last time! I forgot about the most important category actually, and I feel a bit stupid about that.
I took for granted that every good ‘swimmer’ would be thrilled about jumping in the ocean and enjoy the waves! I took for granted that when you have a natural skill, you use it…
Well, I have been stupid and it is important to clarify things and try to be as exact as possible now.

Some of these natural ‘swimmers’ refuse to swim, they simply refuse. They rather use their natural buoyancy and only float. They just seem to be afraid of the freedom and the amazing feeling that swimming full speed provides, breathtaking act: going straight for Christ sake, and never turn back! And while traveling why not thinking about who/what you meet but never refuse what the World has to offer because of prejudices or clichés.
Well some ‘swimmers’ just refuse and also stick to the clichés.

Of course, Life leaves scars and it takes time to mend the wounds. But why the fuck refusing to get back into the arena and fight?
How long does it take to move on? What does it take, how long does it take?
I thought that after taking a big turn in ones life, even if it seems to be more of a U turn sometimes, only heart and body needed time and were simply refusing to help swimming again. Well, I have also to change my mind on this one. Heart and body are mending but are still making sure the swimmer keeps on going, for as long as the mind wants to: I’m adding a third player in this game of Life.

But then, are we saying that moving on is only a matter of mind and not primarily a matter of heart/body? What about this one: the heart recovers faster than the mind but starts protecting itself even when the mind isn’t aware that something is happening… There would be a natural defense mechanism, a sentinel, in us shutting down some vital emotional functions but unfortunately without reporting the shutdown to the mind. In a sense, when your love life is going down the drain, your heart is already wearing the armor and getting ready for the coming clash… It will, therefore, be healed before one can expect: because it was aware and protected…

But then, what is the mind’s task?
Well, if the heart is ready to function then it is the mind that has tasks to complete before the next take off, and I actually believe that there is only one task: taking care of the pain left behind…
So, reaching completion is moving on.
Managing to locate these spots of pain, and curing them: that is the task of the recovering swimmer.

I have found these islands of pain, almost totally I hope: I feel that I am full of passion and I want to unleash it. Not in a chaotic way, no: I want to give it all to one and enjoy all that comes with it.
Passionate nights and cuddly mornings, warm coffee over morning smile as well as bubbly champagne in bed between a thousand kisses and her thousand smiles.
I will not accept compromises with myself about that.
I have been bending too much and I’d rather not give than not give properly.

I have been looking at my wings lately, drooling: flying high again would be a treat. Too bad it isn’t happening, I say… I say ‘you should give it a try’!
I say that things come in time…
And the eternity is long, mainly at the end…

Being able to be happy...

No one had taken notice of her smile or even spotted her tears
No one had deemed her good or vile but no one had calmed her fears.
But she brought me a golden heart, on a velvet chain.
You know we'll never be apart or experience pain.
She whispered: Never be apart, never going back to the start, Or experience pain, never again.

For the longest time I have been looking at this question I wrote in my little black book.
For the longest time I have been trying to find an answer which would satisfy me and help me improve my understanding of people.
I think I found such an easy answer to this question today that it does sound like a proper answer to me or at least the best embryo I captured so far!

The question goes: Is being able to be happy a natural skill?

I have been wondering about this because I have met a lot of people who seem to have everything they need to bloom but still they cannot happy and worse: they manage to fuck up and make others feel miserable! As if it was their nature to destroy all chance of happiness when they were getting there, when they had it even!

This ability 'to be happy', this natural knack like breathing or kissing. This wonderful talent that makes you reach a state where the soul and heart are pounding so hard and to stay put in that state of bliss! Being happy, being wonderfully in love and happy with your life without trying to twist reality and just destroy everything!

This skill, I believe, is natural in the sense that you cannot learn it, you can only master it. Without it you can eventually reach a stage of happiness but will you be able to keep on being like this without working hard on it? Can you ne like the gardener taking good care of his one and only flower? Naturally bringing all the water, the love, She needs to grow and become the most wonderful flower ever, just taking care of Her as naturally as he feels the warmth of the sun on his skin. Pouring love instead of just spreading a bit here and there…

Well, I think this skill is like swimming… That's my answer, no highly philosophical but hey, i said i was a pragmatical guy, not a philosopher!
Swimming: You can always be taught, anytime, but you will only manage to be skilled if you have been taught, young.
You can always float but you won’t have a smooth style nor will you be fast and nice to look at. And even sometimes, you will only float if you have a life jacket...
I think most people try to swim in life and life resists as water does.
Then, instead of feeling the waves and bend so that all gets easy and nice again, they force their ways and by doing so never reach or stay in this state of comfortable numbness.

I look at the way I live, who I meet or still know after more than a decade and I believe I have his talent: I swim! I am a gardener and i have spotted my flower.

I found myself surrounded, physically or not by great people and all of them are able to be happy. Some have refused to stay any longer in a relationship that was exhausting their souls or altering their bodies, just because they knew it wasn’t right as per moral standards but also as per their own understandings.
Some have tried, like me, to make the relationship work by staying and try to show what being happy is. Hoping that it would be enough…
Some are still trying to make it happen, and I wish them luck.
Some have just been looking in the proper direction and met the match.
Some have suffered so much that they are the living proof that it is in their nature to be able to be happy.

I think I am in a state where I feel my wings flapping…
I feel like roaring or run in the jungle.
Jump partner, come with me: we have many things to see!

What do you look like under the sunlight?

Musing, longing, living!

I'm sitting here alone, thoughts of you run wild.
I'm longing for your touch, haunted by your smile.
No use trying to erase…

Knew I could never hold that girl, born to see the world.
All I got is a vivid picture of you pinned in my mind: walking barefoot in the alley of a temple…
Smiling stone faces laughing at me.

Trade winds blowing through your hair.
Sunlight dancing on the water, what do you look like when the sun shines?
And I wish I was there to see!
Don't know how i'm going to find you!
All i know so far, you're running with my heart!

Revelation? No, Confirmation!

I'll try to make the sunshine brighter for you; I will even play the fool if it makes you smile!
I'll try to make you laugh if there's a tear in your eye.
I'll try to make the star shine brighter for you, and I'll take you on my shoulders, hold you way up high!
I'll even chase the rainbow hanging in the sky…
I'll try to make the days last longer for you.From the daybreak, 'til the sunset, 'til the end of time
I'll keep you safe, away from the heartache.
Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head cause I know it's gonna be alright…

Signs, signs all around me and all throughout my day, almost everyday!
The World is unveiling its plans slowly and I am trying to understand what is happening.
For the past few months, I have been reviewing my life.
Using a really Cartesian approach, I have isolated events when it was possible.
Then, one by one, I have studied them under a microscope and looked as deep as possible in order to find the glitch. I wanted to know how each event contributed to my life and if deal with any issue before moving on to the next.
Once I reached the point where the event couldn’t be studied or twinkled any further, I left it one the side: piece of my personal jigsaw.

Of course, one of them is my last relationship and mainly finding out if I managed to get over it.
Would someone have asked me last Saturday afternoon, I would have said: Of course, I am totally done with it and I would have looked straight in the eyes of the others. Of course, others would have grinned: funny how people don’t believe that one can not be in love with an ex anymore!

Well, the World played a trick on me last night!

I went to a barbeque, and then I got myself dragged into a bar: “twist my arm wankers, I will not go with you to the bars, I want to go home and read my bible!!” did I tell them. They forced me to go and as they were securing my handcuffs, and bringing the beers, my ex-girlfriend appeared.

Once again not prepared, becomes a habit here, doesn’t it?

Well, I was fucking right about me!! I have over with my ex and my past relationship. I mean, there isn’t a left over of love that was hiding and pounced on my heart when she appeared. There was just a bit of surprise and not even hate or bad feelings. She came to me, and I was glad to know that she found people to hang out with. No more no less.

Actually, as I was talking to her and others I realized that I was missing my muse.
Tiger misses Monkey, and Tiger knows there is no cage He has to escape from.
Tiger misses the smiles and frowning of Monkey…
It’s gonna be alright!!!!!!

Well, i really start to believe that i have to get these wings off the hanger.

I have been repairing them but didn't dare to wear them: i guess the World is pushing me change my mind.

I rave no more

I rave no more against Time or Fate,

For lo! My own shall come to me.

Yet! - What does my future narrate?

Dim the lights - I cannot see!

It was on a Thursday evening…
I will keep to myself the bookshop incident, it is just the introduction to the story. And I do not wish to share it with anybody else but her: it will be our little thing for as long as she remembers me and she is willing to remember us.
So, It was on a Thursday night, and it is happening in a coffee shop.
Tiny cup of expresso in my shaking hand, eyes staring...
I was trying to control the shivers down my spine as I was telling myself that it wasn’t rational. It was such an unexpected thing that I wasn’t ready for it, TOTALLY unprepared for such an event. How could I be prepared to meet you, my muse?
I was shouting to myself that she was too good to be true. We were talking, she made me talk and I accepted to unveil myself: strip and hopefully she will be teased!!!! Lay my cards down on the table, strip poker, just to let you know exactly who I am.

I will not play games: look i am undressing and i want you to win.

I emptied the cup, hands still shaking.
A rush of blood to my head as a small drip of sweat was running down my still shivering spine…
Warmth! Warmth! I am still alive!

The Tiger and the Monkey, impossible couple she said: Impossible peaceful gatherings, impossible couple she said... She is so true! We are not having a peaceful gathering at all, I am roaring inside. I want to jump out of my skin, does she feel it or am I am even taming my eyes?
Did she say couple????? DID SHE SAY COUPLE??????

And I grabbed the empty cup a thousand times.

I hid from her inside this cup, it was empty but I was drinking a lot out of it: counting back, i probably drank ten cups of fake expresso! I am so not at ease, she will notice! I am so into her already, what the fuck did she do to me? How??

I was closing my eyes and telling myself that it would stop as it started: she would stop our conversation at some stage, and go back swiftly to the world where she belongs OUTSIDE, I would get back to my own tiny world INSIDE.
More fake coffee inside my empty stomach, can't hurt, my heart is pumping so hard! It makes my head move to its rhythm.
Did it ever happen to you? Waving to the rhythm or your own soul? Do you remember how good it feels?

You got me, unwillingly I’m afraid, as I think I got you too, i hope i got you!!!

If i didn't get you, i want to go back in time and do it again until i make it. I will see you again and again and fall in love deeper and deeper... Wondering about how much in love i can get!!!

So far, so good. NO!!! Wait...

So fast, so good. It never happened to me and still she is the only woman i want to have in my arms, it feels so great to be drawn...
Corny songs have these lyrics: ‘You got me at hello’
Well Monkey, you got me at hello…

I think I am unfolding my new wings before I even managed to explain, on this blog, when and how they got broken.

I will be a sophomore MisterWing for now but I want to be back: watch me!!!!!!!
Time to fly again, I think!!
Thanks Monkey!

In the Cambodian Garden...

In the garden, in the park, on a bench, I sit.
A newspaper floats on the breeze of this late summer.
It is coming my way, are you coming my way?I patiently wait.
I see the sign, it's on the road. And I think it's crazy.
In the garden of the park, on a bench, I watch.
The sandy feet of the children.
Pearls of sweat run across their beautiful faces.
I see you, clouds of dust around your bare feet.
I see the sign; it’s on the way…
In the garden, off the park, on a bench I realize.
Children cry as you leave, I will join them.
Don’t fly away now…

Things are not always as you picture them. There is more to know than what you grab or sense. Perception of things is always tinted with own feelings: what you see of the world is only the transmission of the light thought your personal tinted window.
The World is an amazing place in which you can suffer every moments or in which you can grab the best and go with it.

For a couple of month, I have been suffering every second of my days and my nights were painful as my brain was stirring my shit up.
I was a stranger in my own skin and I had the feeling to only be surrounded by liars, liars, liars...
Slowly, it seems that I have managed to clean a bit this messy mind and I have sorted out a lot: shelves were organized at the back of my mind and boxes prepared to store feelings and snapshots of a life that was mine.
I have kept the best and taped properly the one box full of the worse: I know where it is. I also know that this box will dissolve in time...

Lately, I came to a point where my mind was more of an empty loft (not that I want to be pretentious but I think it relates more to the loft than the student room), waiting for the furniture to be put back in place, and for the pictures to hang on the walls. Why not even for my woman to fully occupy it? She must exist, mustn’t she?
I was certain that this would be done slowly and that I would walk on my own for a while: how on earth would a woman want of a man like me? This is my vision; through my own tinted window…
I was not looking for feelings, still a bit afraid...
But also, now convinced that I would never go against something called 'Attraction'.

I have met an amazing lady, I hope she senses that I am drawn to her…
Time to fly again?

The mentally deranged...

There's that something in your eyes again, I can't get you to speak.
I try to catch your gaze: Are you watching someone else? I try to hold you up, but you go limp and you feel so cold.
I try to get you to communicate but you are stuck, controlling your own fate!
Can you hear me? Can you fucking hear me????
I think maybe not...
Can you bear me? Can you still fucking bear me?
Holding on to what I haven't got anymore...
And so I swallow the bitter pill, turn my back and head for home, tears in my eyes.
Fading will.
Please don't do that to us again, stay beside me. We are so great, aren't you satisfied?
Don't you feel secure, strong and complete?
Now I'm the mentally deranged...

It was on October 31st that you took me home. I was a bit tipsy, but still able to drive. You were here, and i was focused on you. Oh, it never crossed my mind that you were interested in me.
In fact, since this this long phonecall we had on a sunday i thought you would never want more than laughing with me.

Remember? Sunday, around 2pm, i took my phone and as i was laying on the floor i asked you to come over and have champagne, cherries together with some chocoloate mouss.

I love to fix chocolate mouss for people i like, strange huh?

You teased me, you told me where you were, and what you were not wearing. Of course, never using the words, as you were with Him, but only using metaphores.

Do you remember?

The phonecall lasted a long long time and it ended fast. You had to meet Him and i had to go back to bed.

In between? Dreams of nothingness happening in this stupid city of Manila.

And came this street party.

Where was i coming from? I don't remember, but i do know i was wearing a suit on a saturday night. What the hell was this function?

I was so bored out of my mind that i decided to go to a bar and get tipsy, not drunk.

I stepped into the bar and i saw you.

We spent the evening together, your friend was flirting with another man.

Came the time to go home, and i thought you would enjoy a ride home.

I had nothing in mind, i am so bad with these things, and I didn't even think about anything when i accepted to have a coffee at your place. It was 5am, the sun was rising.

You never brought the coffee but instead reappeared wearing a white silk sexy outfit.

We made love, or maybe should i say: we had sex.

I slept over and asked you to join me for a coffee. You were happy to see me getting out of your place.

I think, i know, i seduced you during our coffee talk. I was already seduced.

Brain crumbles over morning coffee, the erotism of an awaking mind.

You were sipping a hot chocolate, low fat milk, no whipped cream: i was drinking your words.

That's how it started, didn't it? That how we got into the rollercoaster...

Mentally deranged no more.

The tenderness which slept in me...

I am the only one
who understands me in my ebony dreams.
Why can't I be just like them ...happy?
Life is gone, beautiful.
My suffering eyes drown in delusion and my body paled now cold.
Let the silence bloom as I never will arise in your arms again.
I've died with a smile, 'cause no one did really search the tenderness which slept in me...

But, surprinsigly, life hasn't totally left my body and i can still feel my heart pumping.
The strenght isn't what it used to but still i feel myself able to rise!

I vividly remember this evening, or early morning, when i asked you to be mine.
We were just partners for three weeks, and hiding from the others your friends, and ex boyfriend.
We were drunk of happiness.
I was dreaming out loud asking you to fly to the states the following day and marry me.
We were also drunk...
Is it why you refused or was it already a premice to the trouble we went through?

I don't regret this moment, I never did and I am still proud of it!
I still feel the power of my voice when, even if i was not able to focus, all i wanted was to make sure your hand would lay in mine for a lifetime as we would stroll the alleys of our future life.

This thought created a lot of pain previously but i now know that i should be looking forward to be floded again.
I will now recognize it and make sure this wave of passion leads me, without resistance.
Yes, I am scared of falling again, but also so willing to let myself be hurt again: it will only prove that I have again been true to myself, but also that i have .
My tenderness will never leave me...
It is for me to preciously guard it, and use it to love my people, my tribe.

Keep your thoughts to yourself and they will for always be lost, share them and they will become travel through minds...

The dreamer walks a lonely journey...

The dreamer walks a lonely journey...

Through the sky he flies but with his feet on the ground, knowing the moon is always with him.
And the dreamer sets his sails... Avoiding all cliffs and stones. But the dreamer is never alone. Always trying to catch the moon .
Sailing on the winds of desolation. Horizon's my destination, and through tears I see that the moon slowly sets.

Another attempt has failed...
As a matter of fact, I am now left here with only the remains of us.

I still have vivid recollection of the first time I met you: it was yesterday, wasn’t it? Time flies so fast when you're happy.
You were bubbly, surrounded by friends, and I was in my corner with my own friends but all of a sudden on my own, attracted...
These blue eyes, I was mesmerized.
This voice, I was bewitched.
I wanted to know more about you!
The Japanese have a saying: ‘when the character of a person is not clear to you, look at his friends.’ I was staring at her friends and, my God, what a wonderful woman were they describing!

I never talked to her this evening: I am not one of these guys able to walk in a bar and speak out the turmoils my mind is enjoying. It is not me, and most probably will never be me…

Not to strangers, so I walked out the bar...
Once more I will have to live and leave with regrets, why can't I just unleash this part of me and be as talkative with strangers as I am with friends?

Comfortably numb...

There's something in the air...

Mister Wing is truly an object of envy: look, skills, intelligence, money, power and a loving family...
But what others understand about me isn't what i am specifically...

I have been introspecting for a long long time and today, really today, i have decided to put my thoughts on the web. Not that i feel like sharing that much but i might be interested to read them one day...
This blog will be the freezing room of my moments with me, and because there is always a window on the door of a freezing room, then these thoughts will be exposed...

Maybe this will lead to some fruitful moments and maybe this will be my salvation!
I do not consider myself as a great thinker, but more as a pragmatical hopeless romantic: that sounds better and is less pretentious anyway!

I am confused but wondering...