I will trust her one day...

Nietzsche wrote: A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.

What he didn't mention is the pain that goes with these trials and therefore if it is worth for oneself to get wiser.
Actually, he even implies that no feelings should be involved as experimenting requires one to be impartial.

I have this capacity of retracting myself from events as they happen, and to analyze them as they come but this state of consciousness (maybe lack of should i type) doesn't last for ever! Only Time heals the wounds and helps mending all the suffering choices are creating.
Hence i have this capacity of sucking in all elements of the so-called experiment but i also suffer more from the pain as it all hot me at once.

Time is my salvation.

Time is a beautiful thing!
It's like when you meet an old lover on the street six years later and they don't look so ugly anymore. I simply wonder if this applies also when you do not find this lover ugly as you see this beloved one walking away. Who do you meet then? Somebody who you now think you have been stupid to let go???

My ex has chosen a path a couple of month ago, and she followed it deep down. She even went to this small track the sun barely reaches, even in autumn. I didn't turn out to be a successful choice for her: she has lost everything she had and has to start everything from scratch now. I am even afraid that she has lost a part of her in this, whereas she use to bloom! She shrinks now, within herself and i cannot help her anymore...
I actually followed to the wood but two roads diverged in this wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
I still have my sanity and my suffering is going away: i keep on moving and my dreams are safe from harm. It is only temporary.

The Passion i had for her is now gone as i have been betrayed too many times and i do not believe anymore in the possibility of an island. But Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops/dies more slowly, and commitment more gradually still. I am now in this state where i look at what happens and i devoted myself to help her out because of all these things which are still linking us, knowing that i cannot (nor wish) fix all the problems.
Once she will geographically be far away, we will gently be diluted away.
She is still the one i look at believing she is amazing but now i also look at her and i realise that she would have brought me to Hell whereas all i want is to fly to heaven. I let myself be brought too close to the gates actually.
I still cannot figure out how such a waste could happen!
It takes two to tango but i'm telling you: it only takes one to fuck up!

Man, Time is a bitch but it helps dying happy obviously!
I will remember her as the Love of my Life!
Hopefully not, hopefully i will be lucky enough to meet another amazing woman.

I hope i will manage to trust her one day...

The friend you became

I have an injunction, don't look surprised!!!!!

Time to get even in this unproved life, time to get some time off.

Questions all over the years I live, it is time for some answers, beware of my drift!!!!!

So, to be true, denial won't work, and there is nothing you can't do.
Life has this inertia.

A feast arises, be glad you're invited and please pass the wine.
Life has these criteria.
So face the issues and swallow that's the little you can do.
I am sooooo sorry for you.

All those worry about all those dreams, and all those nights when I screamed.

Yesterday Life dropped a bomb on me but I didn't act like a fool.
I faced the shockwave and opened my arms wide, my wings spread out, my fingers in a fan.

Come, I'll shelter you, once more. You know i am always here to protect you.

But a true feast arises when you're done, and you're done when prospects are gone.
Pass the wine say I!

Cause when you're down in the mud: dreams won't come, pleasure is gone.

What did you do wrong? Nothing on purpose I guess.
What did I do wrong? Nothing on purpose, I'm sure.
Security is just a game.

Come now, you need to rest and I will then push you to move on.
And I will help you moving on.
I will then get my broken pieces and see how I can glue them back together.

I master this part.

I have an injunction, don't be surprised.
But I am not drifting away, you can rely on me.
Always...
Love is gone, but Hell, nothing is totally dead.
Denial won't work but facing what remains after facing what was lost makes me stronger.
I am a rock but a shelter not one thrown to your face.

Come, it'll be quiet and peaceful, isn't it what you need?

My warmth and Love for you as the friend you became.

Definition of Hell

Man, I hope this will never happen to me.
I hope I will stop Lovong Her and just keep her as my 'Special Friend'.
Fuck, it sounds already twisted...
I think i'm fucked up for good now.
I think it already happened to me.

Lighting a paper match on a marshmallow under water

You can do anything, except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.

I thought this was the exact summary of what I wasn't able to do as if there is a will, there is a way.
But let's face it, my love story proves me wrong.

You cannot experience the most marvelous Love story if the other one isn't able to reach these levels.
Some things I have accepted from Her, things which should have shown that the long term wasn't possible: Proof of Love.

The Proof of Love is the definite sign that Trust doesn't exist or isn't strong. Trust in oneself and also of course in the other one. This nasty bug that would make your partner think or even say ‘I am not good enough’. Never heard this one?

What are all tragedies about? Always about managing to show, or not, this proof: not managing actually. You can lead a horse to the water but you cannot make it Love you, or something like that...

How can you prove you Love? Why on earth, at a certain time, would someone look back and gather facts to try to explain how much Love is around? Explain Love... in 300 words.

I will never have us back, but is the pain worth trying again?
Why not deciding that shallow is good?
Would it help to swim in sha(g)llow water?

Not satisfying, maybe, but easy and comfortable: comfortably numb.
Should it be the choice I make and stick to now?
But then I would have to put a lot of letter between brackets when refering to my partner. Would I only prononce (p)ass(ion) or pass(ion) and (pass)ion would be used when having more scientific talks?
When would I use passion?

Why the fuck couldn't you live it the way it was? You sick or what?

Maybe it isn't so difficult to light a paper match on a marshmallow under water.

Isn't my home where her heart belongs?

She knew how to reach me deep inside, we'd walk and talk and touch tenderly: she found a part of me I could not hide from her only...

We built a love so strong that I thought it could never break, there was not a road we were afraid to roam.
The whole world was starring at us, glowing with this aura of Love... This trail of us passing by, still remembered by many.

We'd kiss all the way from Sydney to Paris cause in each other's arms we were home sweet home.

But she doesn't feel the same, and even if she does, she has given herself away for a dream that I hope will never turn into a nightmare.

Home isn't where her heart is anymore.

And she may still come home, but I live here alone…
And she may still come to her home, but I live in mine alone…
Home sweet home, Home sweet home…

My home isn't where her heart is anymore??????

Can i have us back?

If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

I wonder of this thought should apply to a failed Love story.
Can a love story be a failure or is it just a story without the ending you were expecting?
Can I go back in time and have us back?

Can I?

And, if i cannot, how can i destroy all evidence that i ever tried?

Because i sucedeed to be madly in Love, and i do not know how to destroy this Love...

Can i have us back?

So, just take this bear for a beer in a bar.

Some folks say there are no bears in this city, and some folks never seen a bear at all!
Some folks got a bear across the hall and some folks say that bears go around eating babies!
But we all know it is wrong: bears only have rabbits as best friends and they gather to cheer up sad donkeys together with jumpy tigers!!!

Some folks say that bears go around smelling bad while others say that a bear is honey sweet...
Some folks say this bear's the best I ever had, whatever they mean...
Some folks drive the bears out of the wilderness and some would even pay a fee just to see a one!
Me I just bear up to bewildered best.
Some folks even see the bear in me!

So meet a bear and take him out to dinner. And even though your friends might stop and stare, just remember that there's a bear with you and they just don't come no better than a bear!

Some folks say that bears go around eating babies, but you now know that bears only want kisses, on your sweet lips while fishing for a glimpse of interest in your sweet eyes.

So, just take this bear for a beer in a bar.
It will gear up for a dance and for sure the tiger, the donkey and the pig will come across...
Just make sure you will softly blow kisses away...

A book from this Woman

That picture hangin' on the wall was taken by a friend.

He gave it to me when he owed me ten but now it doesn't look like much I guess.

But it's all that's left of him.

Why don’t you step in Babe?

I'll cook a meal, I'll tell you about where I've been. It will not take too long, then, I'll show you all the things I own. My treasures you might say, not worth much …
But they brighten up my day.

There, here's a book I got, from this Woman I thought I knew. I guess I read it front to back, fifty times or so. It's all about the good life, and staying at ease with the World.

It's funny how I love that book, and I how much I loved that girl.
It’s funny how I love that book and how I don’t care about Her anymore.

Hold this piece of glass up to the light from the spotlight here, in the kitchen.

It's a prism glass I found on the road, back home. Can you see that little rainbow??? Well it's not really a prism I guess it just broke in a funny way when I was on my way here.

I call it ‘My Heart’ because mine also broke when I found out I would not make it here with her since she was heading somewhere else with somebody else.

I chipped my glass heart when the fleshy one stopped beating.

I keep it as a reminder…

Well that's about all I own, and all I care to I guess. Except these sunglasses, that funny yellow vest and my father’s leather jacket.

Take away the miseries and you take away some folks’ reason for living.

This is an observation I was making to myself yesterday.
I was looking at the panorama through the glass window of the train bringing me back to the capital. I was enjoying the sweet smell of the perfume the woman beside me was wearing. Freshly showered and pampered, I was imagining her on her way to meet this special person, maybe getting excited as the train was wolfing the kilometers.
I was remembering how I used to feel when I was walking to the places where I was supposed to meet my angel, how excited and out of breath I was when finally seeing her. The burst of joy when touching her skin, and the lust that was coming with.
Then I told my colleague, also beside me but on the other side, that it was a really nice feeling to sense the joy she was filled up with.
He only told me that perfume as heavy as this give him allergies and sometimes even asthma.
The lovely lady was starting to smile, giggle and as she grabbed the mirror from her bag, to check on her make up, he started to tell me all about his allergies and how difficult his life is.

She was gently brushing her hair, now dryer, still smiling. She then checked on her lipstick and stopped smiling: the lipstick went sliding on the lower lip and onto the other on. She evened out both lips and bit a piece of cloth. After double-checking, she looked at me and gave me a big smile.
My colleague was now complaining about how horrible it is to age and how horrible it will be if ever his wife dies before him…

I looked again at this woman in love, thought about happiness, and smiled back at this sixty years old person…

Poets don't go mad

Poets do not go mad, but chess players do. Mathematicians do go mad, and cashiers as well, but creative artists very seldom. I am not attacking logic; I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not imagination.

I took a long break from writing and got back into my old habit of introspecting and observing people. I have been also monitoring myself in different situation, and I found out that I am now able to step out from situation and become an observer of my own life.

A great talk with a monk over the weekend taught me that this is one of the meditating techniques they use, and it made me wonder a lot. Am I changing myself so much that I start to relate more to monks than to my old fellows?
Puzzled with this discovery, I went back home and looked at the music I am listening to at the moment, and it is indeed more related to chilling out and thinking than the mind blowing punk-funk shit one can listen to on TV. Am I doing something to myself??

I also went out, a lot actually, and happily came back: there isn’t just a monk in me, there is certainly still this passion that’s burning. And I haven’t forgotten my monkey, whatever I try to do, she is still comes back directly or indirectly.

I still fell her smooth skin on the tips of my fingers, and the softness of her hair still makes me shiver. She wasn’t in any of the places I went to, but of course I had to bump into someone who knows her, this little angle, and we got to speak about her. I got to realize that I was still drawn…

I know it won’t be possible, and I know I should be rational about this. But I don’t want to kill this sweet pain, that’s part of being human: longing for something…

I swim faster and better.
I have this devil that I am afraid to release, but it is seriously banging at the doors…
My wings are ready,
I never realized that I am a cool person,
Why not spreading the wings and the news????

I have kept my sanity, my heart and ability to Love.
I haven’t changed my values; Life hasn’t altered my goals and references.
Man, I hope you too are feeling great.

Wings of Redemption

The man who feels himself solitary is the most readily disposed and most readily fitted for the self-reflection; that is the man who by nature or destiny or both is alone with himself and his problematic, and who succeeds, in this blank solitude, in meeting himself, in discovering man in his own self, and the human problematic in his own.

This man is I as I grow up within my ‘singleness’, learning from my fall but opening up to the marvelous possibilities that the world unleashes before my eyes.
I have spoken to a lot of people and heaps of couple about Love, or about not finding it. Or worse, having it while the other spoils it…

I have this example of a great man, who like me (even if the adjective doesn’t apply to me), met his girlfriend in an environment where it was more than unexpected to meet a match. Easy women or even cheap whores all around, the rule of supply and demand applying for the love scene as well, it wasn’t obvious that he would go for a western woman. Isn’t it in the human nature to look for comfort But hey, the courting game went well, and as she was meeting him every week-end he was dreaming about her all week long. And the things went well…
He left his life and job to follow her when she got a great opportunity abroad. It is important to have priority one should say, and being with the one you love is one of them. I did change my life for hers too…
Three years went by, and they kept on moving places together: he learnt a new job within the same field as hers to be able to follow her as she was climbing the ladder getting to the highest ranks of the hierarchy, as she was screwing with her boss…
He found out lately and moved back to where he was originally from, poisoned by the things she was saying while she was fucking around with their common life.
So much for faithfulness…
He will need time to reconsider any kind of emotional commitiment, I even feel that I will not make NEW friends before a long time.

I have moved on enough now, and I will not get into this stupid cliché about women always cheating on their partners, as it is not true. But I have also moved on with my concept of the couple, and I think I have found my way.

Fact: it is always when something is forbidden that it gets more appealing.
Fact: if all things are possible, then it is a choice made only by reference to one self values and not by other kind of psychological pressure.

I am not jealous by nature, I actually think that I am too trustful to be able to really grasp the concept of being jealous. Maybe too dumb or with way to much ego also… (Note to myself: get an answer to this last point).
So instead of trying to remain in a world where my life doesn’t intersect with the life of another soul, but hopefully parallels hers at least; I have decided to look at my natural point of view on things and apply them. I will not observe my hopes and fears as I try to remain sane in a world from which I feel increasingly excluded due to a lack of compliance with accepted rites and standards.
I am devoting myself to my true nature and I am going to keep on improving myself and help my tribe to get better and better. I am choosing my style over the imposed stupid social standards…

There, I have set my way and I am definitely starting to brush my wings.
I am back to my strong self.

Has fate something to do with what will happen? I doubt it.
When has fate ever been kind?
I had a nice talk with an angel last night, as a member of my tribe was going through a tough time.
I had a difficult talk with the latter as the angel was twirling on a different ground.
I saw a smile appearing on the face of my tribe mate, I listened to my angel telling me about her encounter with the sleazy man and laughed about it with her.

I am here and I am standing.
You can rely on me because I have supported myself and I took me out of the shit hole I let myself fall into.

Let’s make it to the next level now…

A bit(e) on Religions

That cross you wear around your neck, is it only a decoration, or are you a TRUE Christian believer?

Yes, I believe - TRULY.

Then I want you to remove it at once- and never to wear it again!
Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear?
Her eyes are sewn shut. Blinded temporarily she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with crosses.
You had me take off my cross because it offended....
It offended no-one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No - it simply appears to me to be discourteous to... to wear the symbol of a deity long dead.
Our ancestors tried to find IT. They fought for IT, killed for IT and to open the door that separates us from our Creator.
But you need no doors to find God.
If you believe....
Believe?! If you believe you are...gullible.
Can you look around this world and believe in the goodness of a God who rules it?

Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death! THEY rule this world!!!!
There is also Love and Life and Hope.
Very little Hope I assure you.

No. If a God of Love and Life ever did exist...
IT is long since dead.
Someone...Something rules in His place.

The Big Mistake

The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten.

LOVE

LOVE, n.
A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages.


This morning, I woke up in a daze.

I was surfing under the full moon two nights ago and last night i had a bbq on the rooftop of a building.
After a really fun evening, I sat home and I started thinking about how better the evening could have been. I started to imagine how much better it would have been with Her by my side. And I realize that I was just setting myself up! I am trying to make myself sad! But i am not wanting Her anymore! She has refused it all, let it be!
I realize that it could not have been any better, because She isn’t the one who I would like to have beside me! Maybe the evening could have been better if I had somebody who makes me blush every time I get a glimpse of her, trying to focus on the conversation I’m having, as my mind goes wandering…
But this person isn’t around and the one I thought were, didn’t decide to step into my world and it is just a fact: no hard feelings about it anymore either.
It is clear that I have stopped turning my head and look back at what happened before, winging.
One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.
This is a real fact also, and everyone I met has this tendency: procrastination and angst!!! That’s what is blowing up this inner candle, not the harm caused by the events themselves.

But to revive this flame, worse case scenario, one should learn to give again. When you give yourself, you receive more than you give and that’s what is bringing your spirit up!!!! I now look at the World as a provider of good events and my energy is multiplied by a thousand. I have met great people last night, and I spoke about karma. I actually listened to a yogi talking about karma, and explaining how is chakras are opening (it was sounding a bit erotic sometimes, I wonder if he has hard ons when he reaches the state he was describing)… I will have my first yoga lesson on Thursday…

I have forgiven, I keep on repeating it but I want to make sure I am not fooling myself. I am the easiest one who I can fool sometimes.
I have reached forgiveness this answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.

I am definitely soaking up my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will I share it with someone one day?
It is not a concern, and if She passes by and sees me then we will dance.
My fingers are still spread out in a fan, and I am accepting You to touch them but if and only if You can stare at my eyes and accept the flame You'll see.
You will then be mine and the World will be our playground because I will share it with You…

Until then, I will keep on being free: my only freedom, the one of my mind.

You and hide

In my flat, facing the glass window, warmth from outside licking my cheeks.

I can see through the buildings, all is quiet and remain unchanged. Up through the buildings and in different skies, it's heavy with silence: like You&I now.
Why did we make each other cry?
Why did we do that when we both know we loved each other so. Yes we both knew.
From my flat, the stars look so dull and dark. I am comfortably numb but I want to wake up. Tonight I feel alone. I am remembering every fight, when we were loosing bits of You&I each time.
Oh baby, I wish you could have heard me, and feel how much I loved you. I never wanted to fight with you, just wanted to make things right for you, for us... Cause I care about You.
Up from my flat, I can't see much...
The shrapnel from our explosive break up are still deep in my heart, I am still licking my wounds. Bleeding heart over pictures of You&I...
Evaluating the waste, evaluating the damages.
Evaluating what we were, You&I.
You&I no more, no more!
We now are You, & I am gone.

A man of Passions

Passion is an amazing thing, to which I surrender myself. I am usually described as an even-tempered man, actually more often told that I am way too cold with people…
The most wonderful of all things in Life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy (even as the number of years together increases). This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. If I have the feeling that a woman can fulfil my every seconds from the moment I meet her, I explode!
When the habitually even-tempered suddenly fly into a passion, that explosion is apt to be more impressive than the outburst of the most violent amongst us: I do scare people because of that. I cannot just like or dislike something/someone. I Love or I hate but I do not waste my time nor my feelings.
Having said that, I have this chance to be able to keep my clarity of mind in almost all situations: when I loose it, it is never for long, and I patch any mistakes I made as a first priority when back on earth. In fact, for me clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.
Have you ever had this feeling to know that it is not a fling but a great story you are starting? I had this feeling, but it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?

So, Passion… Ah Passion…
This outburst of feeling that fills you up in a blink of an eye, and consumes you!!
Not being around or hearing about the other one is intolerable! All of a sudden you are not on Earth but at the gates of the purgatory, already suffering.
Every second spent away just increases the urges to get closer, stare, touch, kiss and embrace…
This absence is pure cruelty, a torture of the mind and soreness to the heart: Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out a candle, and blows in a fire.
But when Passion is driving your soul, your perception of the World changes totally. I remember this dress she was wearing, oh not a gorgeous dress at all, but I also remember the aura surrounding her, this warmth and how extremely fast my heart was beating: Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it!!!

Then, some say Passion disappears. I say it’s bullshit!
I am passionate for my woman every second, every fucking second my heart leaps when I think about her. During my longest relationship, I have passionately loved my partner every fucking second given to me. I have made love to her with my eyes, my brain and my body. Then, even full of deception and understanding that this story was getting nowhere cause she was also seeing somebody else, I have been passionate, joylessly passionate. Such a sin…
The worst sin - perhaps the only sin - passion can commit, is to be joyless.

I am a man of passions, look at me when I roar! Look at me, wings spread out!
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

Here is my hand, spreading my fingers out in a fan.
Come on, relax and do the same.
Have your thumb touching mine, all fingers connecting. Feel me and look at me in the eyes. I miss your lips, your comfy lips.

ORCAE ITA*

Mystery,
Mysteries about our swift stay on Earth, what are we meant to do?
Why do we bother communicating? Working or humming…
Let me tell you something you have most probably been told already:
Life is a delicacy: pleasures or moans.
Why are WE here for? This I don’t know.
But I know what I am here for! I am here for her, for us to fall asleep together.
Here for her to fly with my wings. I guess I’m here for Love!
Above my roof: the sky, she runs through my mind.
The only true meaning for being here, her...
C’mon ! Let’s dance and join the ball! And under the blanket of stars, kiss!!!!
Music and mystery, this is so obvious to me.
Yes!!! I am here for her, for us to awake embracing.
I am here for her to fly with my wings!!!

But my wings are broken, and who are you?

*Pretty straightforward

Mean today

I'm feeling mean today, not lost, not blown away.Just irritated and quite hated, my self control breaks down.Why's everything so tame?I'm fabricating and debating who I'm gonna kick around.
I can't find a way to get across the hate when I see you.
I feel it scratch inside and I want to slash and beat you.
I rip apart the things inside that excited you.
I can't control myself because I fucking hate you.
I'm feeling cold today, not hurt but just fucked away: I'm devastated and frustrated.
So why'd I feel the need? I think it's time to bleed maybe just cut myself and watch the blood hit the ground.
No, actually if you open your mouth again, I swear I'm gonna break it…

The Mind, Life and the tears in my eyes

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing. I am not sure it will ever manage to figure itself out. Everything else from atoms to the Universe, everything else but itself...

When Life seems chaotic, you don't need people giving you easy answers or cheap promises. There might not be any answers to your problems. What you need is a safe place where you can bounce with people who have taken some bad hops of their own.

That is the way to support the main task of healing the pain, to repair the dents in your Life. Be surrounded by friends and people you enjoy, people who only want the best for you. In such an environment, the whole World becomes a trustful place where events are only occurring in order to help you getting out of the clouds Life put around you: it is the best place to realize that Trust exist and that it is not because one betrayed that all will.

I have been giving my Love and Trust to this woman, and she betrayed me, more than once actually. It was her who put the clouds around me and made the tears drop from my eyes. It was her who broke my heart into pieces when I realized that once again she was playing with our lives, and her who made me feel like I should have never entrusted anyone with my Life, MY LIFE! She made my blue eyes blue. But do not apologize to myself for having expressed my feelings: by doing so i would just apologize for the Truth.

I thought she was loving me as much as I was loving her, that I was all she needed to keep on being this amazing woman I once met. I thought she would keep on enjoying the man I am, and not wish I would turn into a man who wouldn’t be noticed by anyone anymore, giving her peace of mind and calming down the voices in her head: the jealousy, this disease born from insecurities about herself.

I had seen my heaven in her eyes, but my heaven is fucking gone astray! Or let say that until a few days ago, I thought it was on a totally different reality plan: the one I was coming from, now unreachable. I now know that it is wrong, that I am still in the cold but not forever… I just need to heal my pain. It will just take time, and how long doesn’t matter.

I have believed in a lie, and it is only when fully comfortable that I will let myself believe again, which means that i will have to spend enough quality time (from romantic, quiet to overwhelmed discussions). In the meantime, I will not shut myself down but let the World show me signs and meet amazing people. It is only when my blue eyes won’t be blue that I will be back to myself.

Having spent a couple of month trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

I wish this could be so obvious to everyone...

An angel flies away...

My life is brilliant and my love is pure.

I saw an angel. That's for sure.

She smiled at me with a thousand smiles, and she was bound somewhere far.

But I won't lose no sleep on that, because I've got a plan.

You know: You're gorgeous, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded bar, and I don't know what to do.

What a fuckin’ great plan! Yeah, she caught my eyes, as we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was fuckin’ high!

We shared moments that will last till the end.

And I don't think that I'll see her again.

But what I think isn’t the Truth, hope I’m fuckin’ wrong...

I will not sit and wait in vain, which would be a waste of the great things we felt.

You know: You're beautiful, yes it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do, what a fuckin' great plan! Yeah!!!!

There must be an angel with a smile on her face.

There must be a thousand of angels with smiles on her face.

Where the fuck is my angel, where's my smile fuckin’ gone?

Hey, what would you do if you had to close a chapter of your life an ocean away from where you live.

Hey, what would you do if after closing this painful chapter you would need to choose where the next will happen, and you were willing to keep all options open?

Well, you would probably make sure that no strings attach you anywhere, wouldn't you?

And if on top of that you wouldn't want to loose face? Well, you would jump on any opportunity and use it, whatever it takes: even twisting reality or lying!

I say that it is my understanding...

And i understand cause i would probably act the same way, but more directly...

Beautiful sadness...

I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

I kept thinking about the ‘swimmer in us’ concept thing…
I came to realize that I forgot about one category last time! I forgot about the most important category actually, and I feel a bit stupid about that.
I took for granted that every good ‘swimmer’ would be thrilled about jumping in the ocean and enjoy the waves! I took for granted that when you have a natural skill, you use it…
Well, I have been stupid and it is important to clarify things and try to be as exact as possible now.

Some of these natural ‘swimmers’ refuse to swim, they simply refuse. They rather use their natural buoyancy and only float. They just seem to be afraid of the freedom and the amazing feeling that swimming full speed provides, breathtaking act: going straight for Christ sake, and never turn back! And while traveling why not thinking about who/what you meet but never refuse what the World has to offer because of prejudices or clichés.
Well some ‘swimmers’ just refuse and also stick to the clichés.

Of course, Life leaves scars and it takes time to mend the wounds. But why the fuck refusing to get back into the arena and fight?
How long does it take to move on? What does it take, how long does it take?
I thought that after taking a big turn in ones life, even if it seems to be more of a U turn sometimes, only heart and body needed time and were simply refusing to help swimming again. Well, I have also to change my mind on this one. Heart and body are mending but are still making sure the swimmer keeps on going, for as long as the mind wants to: I’m adding a third player in this game of Life.

But then, are we saying that moving on is only a matter of mind and not primarily a matter of heart/body? What about this one: the heart recovers faster than the mind but starts protecting itself even when the mind isn’t aware that something is happening… There would be a natural defense mechanism, a sentinel, in us shutting down some vital emotional functions but unfortunately without reporting the shutdown to the mind. In a sense, when your love life is going down the drain, your heart is already wearing the armor and getting ready for the coming clash… It will, therefore, be healed before one can expect: because it was aware and protected…

But then, what is the mind’s task?
Well, if the heart is ready to function then it is the mind that has tasks to complete before the next take off, and I actually believe that there is only one task: taking care of the pain left behind…
So, reaching completion is moving on.
Managing to locate these spots of pain, and curing them: that is the task of the recovering swimmer.

I have found these islands of pain, almost totally I hope: I feel that I am full of passion and I want to unleash it. Not in a chaotic way, no: I want to give it all to one and enjoy all that comes with it.
Passionate nights and cuddly mornings, warm coffee over morning smile as well as bubbly champagne in bed between a thousand kisses and her thousand smiles.
I will not accept compromises with myself about that.
I have been bending too much and I’d rather not give than not give properly.

I have been looking at my wings lately, drooling: flying high again would be a treat. Too bad it isn’t happening, I say… I say ‘you should give it a try’!
I say that things come in time…
And the eternity is long, mainly at the end…

Being able to be happy...

No one had taken notice of her smile or even spotted her tears
No one had deemed her good or vile but no one had calmed her fears.
But she brought me a golden heart, on a velvet chain.
You know we'll never be apart or experience pain.
She whispered: Never be apart, never going back to the start, Or experience pain, never again.

For the longest time I have been looking at this question I wrote in my little black book.
For the longest time I have been trying to find an answer which would satisfy me and help me improve my understanding of people.
I think I found such an easy answer to this question today that it does sound like a proper answer to me or at least the best embryo I captured so far!

The question goes: Is being able to be happy a natural skill?

I have been wondering about this because I have met a lot of people who seem to have everything they need to bloom but still they cannot happy and worse: they manage to fuck up and make others feel miserable! As if it was their nature to destroy all chance of happiness when they were getting there, when they had it even!

This ability 'to be happy', this natural knack like breathing or kissing. This wonderful talent that makes you reach a state where the soul and heart are pounding so hard and to stay put in that state of bliss! Being happy, being wonderfully in love and happy with your life without trying to twist reality and just destroy everything!

This skill, I believe, is natural in the sense that you cannot learn it, you can only master it. Without it you can eventually reach a stage of happiness but will you be able to keep on being like this without working hard on it? Can you ne like the gardener taking good care of his one and only flower? Naturally bringing all the water, the love, She needs to grow and become the most wonderful flower ever, just taking care of Her as naturally as he feels the warmth of the sun on his skin. Pouring love instead of just spreading a bit here and there…

Well, I think this skill is like swimming… That's my answer, no highly philosophical but hey, i said i was a pragmatical guy, not a philosopher!
Swimming: You can always be taught, anytime, but you will only manage to be skilled if you have been taught, young.
You can always float but you won’t have a smooth style nor will you be fast and nice to look at. And even sometimes, you will only float if you have a life jacket...
I think most people try to swim in life and life resists as water does.
Then, instead of feeling the waves and bend so that all gets easy and nice again, they force their ways and by doing so never reach or stay in this state of comfortable numbness.

I look at the way I live, who I meet or still know after more than a decade and I believe I have his talent: I swim! I am a gardener and i have spotted my flower.

I found myself surrounded, physically or not by great people and all of them are able to be happy. Some have refused to stay any longer in a relationship that was exhausting their souls or altering their bodies, just because they knew it wasn’t right as per moral standards but also as per their own understandings.
Some have tried, like me, to make the relationship work by staying and try to show what being happy is. Hoping that it would be enough…
Some are still trying to make it happen, and I wish them luck.
Some have just been looking in the proper direction and met the match.
Some have suffered so much that they are the living proof that it is in their nature to be able to be happy.

I think I am in a state where I feel my wings flapping…
I feel like roaring or run in the jungle.
Jump partner, come with me: we have many things to see!

What do you look like under the sunlight?

Musing, longing, living!

I'm sitting here alone, thoughts of you run wild.
I'm longing for your touch, haunted by your smile.
No use trying to erase…

Knew I could never hold that girl, born to see the world.
All I got is a vivid picture of you pinned in my mind: walking barefoot in the alley of a temple…
Smiling stone faces laughing at me.

Trade winds blowing through your hair.
Sunlight dancing on the water, what do you look like when the sun shines?
And I wish I was there to see!
Don't know how i'm going to find you!
All i know so far, you're running with my heart!

Revelation? No, Confirmation!

I'll try to make the sunshine brighter for you; I will even play the fool if it makes you smile!
I'll try to make you laugh if there's a tear in your eye.
I'll try to make the star shine brighter for you, and I'll take you on my shoulders, hold you way up high!
I'll even chase the rainbow hanging in the sky…
I'll try to make the days last longer for you.From the daybreak, 'til the sunset, 'til the end of time
I'll keep you safe, away from the heartache.
Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head cause I know it's gonna be alright…

Signs, signs all around me and all throughout my day, almost everyday!
The World is unveiling its plans slowly and I am trying to understand what is happening.
For the past few months, I have been reviewing my life.
Using a really Cartesian approach, I have isolated events when it was possible.
Then, one by one, I have studied them under a microscope and looked as deep as possible in order to find the glitch. I wanted to know how each event contributed to my life and if deal with any issue before moving on to the next.
Once I reached the point where the event couldn’t be studied or twinkled any further, I left it one the side: piece of my personal jigsaw.

Of course, one of them is my last relationship and mainly finding out if I managed to get over it.
Would someone have asked me last Saturday afternoon, I would have said: Of course, I am totally done with it and I would have looked straight in the eyes of the others. Of course, others would have grinned: funny how people don’t believe that one can not be in love with an ex anymore!

Well, the World played a trick on me last night!

I went to a barbeque, and then I got myself dragged into a bar: “twist my arm wankers, I will not go with you to the bars, I want to go home and read my bible!!” did I tell them. They forced me to go and as they were securing my handcuffs, and bringing the beers, my ex-girlfriend appeared.

Once again not prepared, becomes a habit here, doesn’t it?

Well, I was fucking right about me!! I have over with my ex and my past relationship. I mean, there isn’t a left over of love that was hiding and pounced on my heart when she appeared. There was just a bit of surprise and not even hate or bad feelings. She came to me, and I was glad to know that she found people to hang out with. No more no less.

Actually, as I was talking to her and others I realized that I was missing my muse.
Tiger misses Monkey, and Tiger knows there is no cage He has to escape from.
Tiger misses the smiles and frowning of Monkey…
It’s gonna be alright!!!!!!

Well, i really start to believe that i have to get these wings off the hanger.

I have been repairing them but didn't dare to wear them: i guess the World is pushing me change my mind.

I rave no more

I rave no more against Time or Fate,

For lo! My own shall come to me.

Yet! - What does my future narrate?

Dim the lights - I cannot see!

It was on a Thursday evening…
I will keep to myself the bookshop incident, it is just the introduction to the story. And I do not wish to share it with anybody else but her: it will be our little thing for as long as she remembers me and she is willing to remember us.
So, It was on a Thursday night, and it is happening in a coffee shop.
Tiny cup of expresso in my shaking hand, eyes staring...
I was trying to control the shivers down my spine as I was telling myself that it wasn’t rational. It was such an unexpected thing that I wasn’t ready for it, TOTALLY unprepared for such an event. How could I be prepared to meet you, my muse?
I was shouting to myself that she was too good to be true. We were talking, she made me talk and I accepted to unveil myself: strip and hopefully she will be teased!!!! Lay my cards down on the table, strip poker, just to let you know exactly who I am.

I will not play games: look i am undressing and i want you to win.

I emptied the cup, hands still shaking.
A rush of blood to my head as a small drip of sweat was running down my still shivering spine…
Warmth! Warmth! I am still alive!

The Tiger and the Monkey, impossible couple she said: Impossible peaceful gatherings, impossible couple she said... She is so true! We are not having a peaceful gathering at all, I am roaring inside. I want to jump out of my skin, does she feel it or am I am even taming my eyes?
Did she say couple????? DID SHE SAY COUPLE??????

And I grabbed the empty cup a thousand times.

I hid from her inside this cup, it was empty but I was drinking a lot out of it: counting back, i probably drank ten cups of fake expresso! I am so not at ease, she will notice! I am so into her already, what the fuck did she do to me? How??

I was closing my eyes and telling myself that it would stop as it started: she would stop our conversation at some stage, and go back swiftly to the world where she belongs OUTSIDE, I would get back to my own tiny world INSIDE.
More fake coffee inside my empty stomach, can't hurt, my heart is pumping so hard! It makes my head move to its rhythm.
Did it ever happen to you? Waving to the rhythm or your own soul? Do you remember how good it feels?

You got me, unwillingly I’m afraid, as I think I got you too, i hope i got you!!!

If i didn't get you, i want to go back in time and do it again until i make it. I will see you again and again and fall in love deeper and deeper... Wondering about how much in love i can get!!!

So far, so good. NO!!! Wait...

So fast, so good. It never happened to me and still she is the only woman i want to have in my arms, it feels so great to be drawn...
Corny songs have these lyrics: ‘You got me at hello’
Well Monkey, you got me at hello…

I think I am unfolding my new wings before I even managed to explain, on this blog, when and how they got broken.

I will be a sophomore MisterWing for now but I want to be back: watch me!!!!!!!
Time to fly again, I think!!
Thanks Monkey!

In the Cambodian Garden...

In the garden, in the park, on a bench, I sit.
A newspaper floats on the breeze of this late summer.
It is coming my way, are you coming my way?I patiently wait.
I see the sign, it's on the road. And I think it's crazy.
In the garden of the park, on a bench, I watch.
The sandy feet of the children.
Pearls of sweat run across their beautiful faces.
I see you, clouds of dust around your bare feet.
I see the sign; it’s on the way…
In the garden, off the park, on a bench I realize.
Children cry as you leave, I will join them.
Don’t fly away now…

Things are not always as you picture them. There is more to know than what you grab or sense. Perception of things is always tinted with own feelings: what you see of the world is only the transmission of the light thought your personal tinted window.
The World is an amazing place in which you can suffer every moments or in which you can grab the best and go with it.

For a couple of month, I have been suffering every second of my days and my nights were painful as my brain was stirring my shit up.
I was a stranger in my own skin and I had the feeling to only be surrounded by liars, liars, liars...
Slowly, it seems that I have managed to clean a bit this messy mind and I have sorted out a lot: shelves were organized at the back of my mind and boxes prepared to store feelings and snapshots of a life that was mine.
I have kept the best and taped properly the one box full of the worse: I know where it is. I also know that this box will dissolve in time...

Lately, I came to a point where my mind was more of an empty loft (not that I want to be pretentious but I think it relates more to the loft than the student room), waiting for the furniture to be put back in place, and for the pictures to hang on the walls. Why not even for my woman to fully occupy it? She must exist, mustn’t she?
I was certain that this would be done slowly and that I would walk on my own for a while: how on earth would a woman want of a man like me? This is my vision; through my own tinted window…
I was not looking for feelings, still a bit afraid...
But also, now convinced that I would never go against something called 'Attraction'.

I have met an amazing lady, I hope she senses that I am drawn to her…
Time to fly again?

The mentally deranged...

There's that something in your eyes again, I can't get you to speak.
I try to catch your gaze: Are you watching someone else? I try to hold you up, but you go limp and you feel so cold.
I try to get you to communicate but you are stuck, controlling your own fate!
Can you hear me? Can you fucking hear me????
I think maybe not...
Can you bear me? Can you still fucking bear me?
Holding on to what I haven't got anymore...
And so I swallow the bitter pill, turn my back and head for home, tears in my eyes.
Fading will.
Please don't do that to us again, stay beside me. We are so great, aren't you satisfied?
Don't you feel secure, strong and complete?
Now I'm the mentally deranged...

It was on October 31st that you took me home. I was a bit tipsy, but still able to drive. You were here, and i was focused on you. Oh, it never crossed my mind that you were interested in me.
In fact, since this this long phonecall we had on a sunday i thought you would never want more than laughing with me.

Remember? Sunday, around 2pm, i took my phone and as i was laying on the floor i asked you to come over and have champagne, cherries together with some chocoloate mouss.

I love to fix chocolate mouss for people i like, strange huh?

You teased me, you told me where you were, and what you were not wearing. Of course, never using the words, as you were with Him, but only using metaphores.

Do you remember?

The phonecall lasted a long long time and it ended fast. You had to meet Him and i had to go back to bed.

In between? Dreams of nothingness happening in this stupid city of Manila.

And came this street party.

Where was i coming from? I don't remember, but i do know i was wearing a suit on a saturday night. What the hell was this function?

I was so bored out of my mind that i decided to go to a bar and get tipsy, not drunk.

I stepped into the bar and i saw you.

We spent the evening together, your friend was flirting with another man.

Came the time to go home, and i thought you would enjoy a ride home.

I had nothing in mind, i am so bad with these things, and I didn't even think about anything when i accepted to have a coffee at your place. It was 5am, the sun was rising.

You never brought the coffee but instead reappeared wearing a white silk sexy outfit.

We made love, or maybe should i say: we had sex.

I slept over and asked you to join me for a coffee. You were happy to see me getting out of your place.

I think, i know, i seduced you during our coffee talk. I was already seduced.

Brain crumbles over morning coffee, the erotism of an awaking mind.

You were sipping a hot chocolate, low fat milk, no whipped cream: i was drinking your words.

That's how it started, didn't it? That how we got into the rollercoaster...

Mentally deranged no more.

The tenderness which slept in me...

I am the only one
who understands me in my ebony dreams.
Why can't I be just like them ...happy?
Life is gone, beautiful.
My suffering eyes drown in delusion and my body paled now cold.
Let the silence bloom as I never will arise in your arms again.
I've died with a smile, 'cause no one did really search the tenderness which slept in me...

But, surprinsigly, life hasn't totally left my body and i can still feel my heart pumping.
The strenght isn't what it used to but still i feel myself able to rise!

I vividly remember this evening, or early morning, when i asked you to be mine.
We were just partners for three weeks, and hiding from the others your friends, and ex boyfriend.
We were drunk of happiness.
I was dreaming out loud asking you to fly to the states the following day and marry me.
We were also drunk...
Is it why you refused or was it already a premice to the trouble we went through?

I don't regret this moment, I never did and I am still proud of it!
I still feel the power of my voice when, even if i was not able to focus, all i wanted was to make sure your hand would lay in mine for a lifetime as we would stroll the alleys of our future life.

This thought created a lot of pain previously but i now know that i should be looking forward to be floded again.
I will now recognize it and make sure this wave of passion leads me, without resistance.
Yes, I am scared of falling again, but also so willing to let myself be hurt again: it will only prove that I have again been true to myself, but also that i have .
My tenderness will never leave me...
It is for me to preciously guard it, and use it to love my people, my tribe.

Keep your thoughts to yourself and they will for always be lost, share them and they will become travel through minds...

The dreamer walks a lonely journey...

The dreamer walks a lonely journey...

Through the sky he flies but with his feet on the ground, knowing the moon is always with him.
And the dreamer sets his sails... Avoiding all cliffs and stones. But the dreamer is never alone. Always trying to catch the moon .
Sailing on the winds of desolation. Horizon's my destination, and through tears I see that the moon slowly sets.

Another attempt has failed...
As a matter of fact, I am now left here with only the remains of us.

I still have vivid recollection of the first time I met you: it was yesterday, wasn’t it? Time flies so fast when you're happy.
You were bubbly, surrounded by friends, and I was in my corner with my own friends but all of a sudden on my own, attracted...
These blue eyes, I was mesmerized.
This voice, I was bewitched.
I wanted to know more about you!
The Japanese have a saying: ‘when the character of a person is not clear to you, look at his friends.’ I was staring at her friends and, my God, what a wonderful woman were they describing!

I never talked to her this evening: I am not one of these guys able to walk in a bar and speak out the turmoils my mind is enjoying. It is not me, and most probably will never be me…

Not to strangers, so I walked out the bar...
Once more I will have to live and leave with regrets, why can't I just unleash this part of me and be as talkative with strangers as I am with friends?

Comfortably numb...

There's something in the air...

Mister Wing is truly an object of envy: look, skills, intelligence, money, power and a loving family...
But what others understand about me isn't what i am specifically...

I have been introspecting for a long long time and today, really today, i have decided to put my thoughts on the web. Not that i feel like sharing that much but i might be interested to read them one day...
This blog will be the freezing room of my moments with me, and because there is always a window on the door of a freezing room, then these thoughts will be exposed...

Maybe this will lead to some fruitful moments and maybe this will be my salvation!
I do not consider myself as a great thinker, but more as a pragmatical hopeless romantic: that sounds better and is less pretentious anyway!

I am confused but wondering...